Mother's Day

     Today is Mother's Day & I have gotten thru it with grace from God & was able to be thankful for her & all the things she did for me, & the love she Was able to give me. 

     This is quite a miracle because there was a time I used to stand in front of the Hallmark Card section & cry, weep actually trying to find something to send her that wasn't a lie. 

     To say I had a difficult mother is an understatement, as my brother & I went thru life walking on eggshells everyday just trying to keep things copasetic.  Sometimes we could get to 3 (days) before she would explode & go crazy like Mount Vesuvious spewing forth fire & rage.

     She was extremely abusive, our dear Mother - both physically & emotionally, in all ways.  She was a nut.  Totally narcicistic.  A little Hitler with her short self.  With her short fuse.  My God she was so unhappy, so miserable, so often just an insane, screaming maniac. 

     I won't go into all that we went thru with "the parents", as I have been blessed with much healing since those days.  Suffice it to say it is almost impossible to forgive someone who does not think they have done anything to fuck up your head, your body, your life. 

     It was a happy day when my mother died, passed on into the arms of Jesus... at least I thought she will be able to feel His Love, because I never seemed to be able to make her happy.  Sad to say, I was estatic, jubulent..!.. Free at last - FREE AT LAST, thank GOD ALMIGHTY I'm free at last!!! 

     Ahh...  but you're never free, not really. 

     The manic ecstasy I felt after the funeral (well during, too) when I went down to the very humongous black rocks at Laguna Beach... the exact same place I would alwaysflee to when visiting my Mother & things got impossible, painful & dare I say nutty... my escape route to meditation medication... where I could always align my sanity back to how far I had climbed out of the abyss of her dramatic hysterics into my life clear across the ocean to the East coast...  There I was at the very same big rocks, waves splashing around me, High on knowing I'd never have to run there again!  My Mother was dead, the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders!

     How sad to feel so happy for that, but it is what it was.  The truth is that now I do feel guilty for those honest feelings... which doesn't change the facts.   

     Not for nothing, I feel better now most days.  It's taken decades of long hard work, dealing with childhood/teenage bullshit.  A lot of 12 step programs, a wonderful shrink, the Grace of God & Love- I have slowly emerged from victim to survivor.  I suppose it's a life-long process, really.

     Now I cry more for her, her childhood, her miserable unhappy life & how when she could, she DiD try so hard to be a good mother & wife, she just didn't have the tools, the help, the love in return... she would drive us away again & again, until we were so far gone that we ran for our lives. 

     I've found that it's MUCH easier to forgive them after they're dead.  Not immediately, but years after.  The hate was only hurting me, not her any longer - she was up in the Loving arms of The Creator.

     I talk to her often & ask for her help, like say when I loose my keys or missplace my purse...  Believe it or not, I am immediately directed to them.  I feel both parents close, esp when I am driving to & from the airport, Daddy on my left side, Mother on my Right, like Gaurdian Angels.  I do believe they stay with us until time for our transistion to the next life...  Especially if they have caused us great pain in this one, I believe they do stay around to help us & make life better/easier, to try to undo what they have done.

     If I am wrong, it is okay.  I believe it is mostly up to me to get over the past, anyway.  I do still fight depression on & off, although not with drugs anymore. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) I write & I talk about it, & I work very hard with many nice people, - many who have stories worse than mine.  One thing I have learned for sure...  It could have definately been worse.  Although at the time going thru it, it sure didn't seem that way.  

     So this is the 1st Mother's Day after all these long years that I can actually thank God for my Mother & honor her for the ways she did her best.  She wasn't all bad & I did Love her... more than anything.  She sacrificed a lot so that we could have a good life.  If I didn't learn the lesson of forgiveness, then I'd HATE to have to come back & repeat all this shit in the next lifetime/incarnation.  I would have liked to reach this plateau when she was alive, but it was impossible back then.  I am however, grateful to have made it this far now!  I am very lucky.