Turning 59... and GREEN.

Oh man, I am SO SICK.  Came down with food poisoning last night.  Had the Runs & Threw up all night long.  It was gross.  Today I am aching & racked with pain.  I have called every FA I know & left messages to please take my trip tomorrow.  It hasn't been a year yet since I had shingles for 3 months so I can't call in sick with out the threat of being fired.  FUCK.  I feel like shit.  And VERY old. 

This is one hell of a birthday.  Doris is at least being very kind to me.  Big heart balloons, pink roses (the smell is so making me nauseas again) & 3 great cards.  Very nice.  Just wish I didn't feel like hammered dog crap.  I thought I could fly all these hours (I'm up to 104 hrs) but I obviously just can no longer do it.  I am putting it out to the universe for an Angel to pick up my trip.  Everybody pray with me!

signed,  Old Mother Hubbard.

My last day as 58

This is my last day as 58.  Just flew in LATE last night & am simply laying around.  Flight Attendants on my trip gave me a beautiful Bday card & we all had sugarless jello, they said they knew I wouldnt eat cake on my ww diet.  It was all very thoughtful.

I remember celebrating birthdays with Daddy when I was young.  Today is his birthday, they used to say they got me for his birthday since his is the 23rd & mine is the 24th.  But Im thinking I was at least 3 months when they recieved me for adoption.  That would be late Aug or early Sept.

Summer birthdays were always the best as a kid!  Growing up in Texas, it was always warm...  Wonderful weather for parties & fun!  Here in the east, it's still very cool, cold at night.  Alan's bday is in June, so he still gets to have warm weather for his bday.  He is 2 yrs younger than me, & tho' I was miserable about adopting HIM on my 3rd bday, I love him so much now.  The story about that is in my archives last year. 

Driving home from the airport last night, I felt sad about not doing anything great with my life.  I prayed to be shown the way to be the best me.  I feel like I wasted so much time since I haven't accomplished big things.  And I feel like a failure because I am so broke at a time I should be starting to relax & enjoy getting older.  Instead I have to work extra hard to (not even) break even. 

Most women my age are not so pulled & streched from each end.  Perhaps because the majority have husbands with great incomes that enable them to have more time off.  I'm sure I could have gone that route.  But then I wouldn't have been able to be the real me. 

Sometimes even now Im not clear who that is, but one thing for sure- I am definately happier with women than with men.  yikes, blaa!  It would not have been worth being the wealthiest woman ever, as an apendage of a husband, because I would have been seeing women on the down low anytime I could have.  Much better to be an honest, hard working lesbian & happy in bed each night!

 

Good News & Bad News

First the good news.  I have now lost

   >>> 40 lbs !!! <<<  YEA!!!!!!!ME!!!!!!!!

Goodbye and Good ridance to those giant hanging gutt globuals!  Now they are just smaller.  hehe.  Yep.  Still got a gutt.  But now it just looks like a 20lb bloated pouch instead of a 50lb humongus, pregnant with twins looking, blobby, swollen with gas, beach ball growth. 

Some pilots told me I look 10 years younger than last year.  This young, thuggy looking rapper with gold, spaced teeth uttered  a low, growl "bye Baby," when he deplaned yesterday.  Now THAT was FUNNY!  Flight attendants and psgrs can't believe I'm going to be 59 next week.  It's very gratifying.  I've lost that matronly battle axe look!!!  Which is not to say I'm not still a matronly battle axe 35,000 ft up anymore because I am....  I just no longer LOOK like one! 

Nor do newspapers, Bloody Marys or water glasses go flying out of people's hands as I charge thru the aisle with my ample butt banging left & right for seat belt checks during turbulence.  Well, maybe sometimes that still happens, but now it's only because those folks are leaning outward.

Okay, so much for the wierd visuals.  But I must say I am back to feeling more comfortable in my body.  At least for today!  And I thank God for this miracle, for Devine Intervention because it's truly impossible to do this myself.  Not to mention Weight Watchers & the moral support of the meetings & some of the highly effective leaders.

Now for the bad news.  I have to put on new brakes & rotors ($400) & fix the emissions/engine light ($500) to pass inspection on my '03 PTCruiser.  And my warrenty has run out so I'm up a fucking shit creek & over a barrel. It's beyond belief & I'm being taken for a total ride.  I went into shock and took out a Good Year credit card that gives me 3 months to pay this off. sigh.  I know, I know.  I should be stronger & look around.  But I have to go back to work, and I've just gotten off flying 4 days.  I'm exhausted & have been really sick with either allergies or a damn cold the whole time.  (How the HELL do you tell the difference, anyway????) 

I simply Can not work anymore than I already am.  I am making myself ill.  I thought maybe for June I would not pick up so many extra trips for overtime & give myself a summer break, just fly my regular line.  But after today & this new money dilemma, I really don't have much of a choice.

Having a Difficult Mother

     

     It takes quite a while after they pass on, to soften the edges of delirium that was childhood.  To climb outside the radius of pain & grief surrounding us, that keeps some of us captive to our jagged past, to our impotent Mother's who withheld their love in exchange for our perfect behavior under their dictatorship.

     The reverberation of their emotional battering & blackmail of power & control struck such fear in us we were left rivited in paralysis for years to come.  For decades, even.

     How sad to be so stuck that we can't even begin to trudge out of the mire of our childhood intensity to reveal our Mother's impossible, unending inner scream from her own nightmares of the past.

     To be so narcissistic to never allow herself to admit her imperfections, her negativity, to refuse to admit she needed serious help only kept her locked into continued behavior that victimized us further.  So they screamed on the outside and they screamed on the inside, but they refused to get better for us or themselves.  With all their drama, they would only go to ministers or some other type of benign "help" usually just to get attention, sympathy & told that God will make it right.  Bullshit.  Go to a real professional when you are so out of control.  Admit your frailities, be a woman & grow the fuck up!

     We are so lucky to have the choice to recover, to make the choice to really try & repair our realities, to find a way to get well & get on with it; with life, with love, with hope & happiness!  We are lucky we are still alive because it's an unending struggle & a long, hard road.  There will always be more work to do, but the results shall be our own personal victories, each one after the other, our personal best.

     One day at a time it is worth it, thru the sweat & the tears, it does get better.  That in itself keeps me hanging on, keeps me going on.  I believe it is possible.  We all have to try.

Mother's Day

     Today is Mother's Day & I have gotten thru it with grace from God & was able to be thankful for her & all the things she did for me, & the love she Was able to give me. 

     This is quite a miracle because there was a time I used to stand in front of the Hallmark Card section & cry, weep actually trying to find something to send her that wasn't a lie. 

     To say I had a difficult mother is an understatement, as my brother & I went thru life walking on eggshells everyday just trying to keep things copasetic.  Sometimes we could get to 3 (days) before she would explode & go crazy like Mount Vesuvious spewing forth fire & rage.

     She was extremely abusive, our dear Mother - both physically & emotionally, in all ways.  She was a nut.  Totally narcicistic.  A little Hitler with her short self.  With her short fuse.  My God she was so unhappy, so miserable, so often just an insane, screaming maniac. 

     I won't go into all that we went thru with "the parents", as I have been blessed with much healing since those days.  Suffice it to say it is almost impossible to forgive someone who does not think they have done anything to fuck up your head, your body, your life. 

     It was a happy day when my mother died, passed on into the arms of Jesus... at least I thought she will be able to feel His Love, because I never seemed to be able to make her happy.  Sad to say, I was estatic, jubulent..!.. Free at last - FREE AT LAST, thank GOD ALMIGHTY I'm free at last!!! 

     Ahh...  but you're never free, not really. 

     The manic ecstasy I felt after the funeral (well during, too) when I went down to the very humongous black rocks at Laguna Beach... the exact same place I would alwaysflee to when visiting my Mother & things got impossible, painful & dare I say nutty... my escape route to meditation medication... where I could always align my sanity back to how far I had climbed out of the abyss of her dramatic hysterics into my life clear across the ocean to the East coast...  There I was at the very same big rocks, waves splashing around me, High on knowing I'd never have to run there again!  My Mother was dead, the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders!

     How sad to feel so happy for that, but it is what it was.  The truth is that now I do feel guilty for those honest feelings... which doesn't change the facts.   

     Not for nothing, I feel better now most days.  It's taken decades of long hard work, dealing with childhood/teenage bullshit.  A lot of 12 step programs, a wonderful shrink, the Grace of God & Love- I have slowly emerged from victim to survivor.  I suppose it's a life-long process, really.

     Now I cry more for her, her childhood, her miserable unhappy life & how when she could, she DiD try so hard to be a good mother & wife, she just didn't have the tools, the help, the love in return... she would drive us away again & again, until we were so far gone that we ran for our lives. 

     I've found that it's MUCH easier to forgive them after they're dead.  Not immediately, but years after.  The hate was only hurting me, not her any longer - she was up in the Loving arms of The Creator.

     I talk to her often & ask for her help, like say when I loose my keys or missplace my purse...  Believe it or not, I am immediately directed to them.  I feel both parents close, esp when I am driving to & from the airport, Daddy on my left side, Mother on my Right, like Gaurdian Angels.  I do believe they stay with us until time for our transistion to the next life...  Especially if they have caused us great pain in this one, I believe they do stay around to help us & make life better/easier, to try to undo what they have done.

     If I am wrong, it is okay.  I believe it is mostly up to me to get over the past, anyway.  I do still fight depression on & off, although not with drugs anymore. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) I write & I talk about it, & I work very hard with many nice people, - many who have stories worse than mine.  One thing I have learned for sure...  It could have definately been worse.  Although at the time going thru it, it sure didn't seem that way.  

     So this is the 1st Mother's Day after all these long years that I can actually thank God for my Mother & honor her for the ways she did her best.  She wasn't all bad & I did Love her... more than anything.  She sacrificed a lot so that we could have a good life.  If I didn't learn the lesson of forgiveness, then I'd HATE to have to come back & repeat all this shit in the next lifetime/incarnation.  I would have liked to reach this plateau when she was alive, but it was impossible back then.  I am however, grateful to have made it this far now!  I am very lucky.   

A Dissappointing Flight

     I have flown on & off for over 3 decades with two other old farts, we've triple buddy bid for years & they have seen me go thru a gillion changes with the times.  They are great FA's & funny as hell.  Together we are hilarious & pretty much legends for being outrageous at our base after all this time.  And also for cussing & swearing like we have tourets syndrome.  They always work in coach (Main Cabin) & I in first class. 

     Well, I have picked up extra trips a lot in coach for a few years now.  And I have also worked with so many different FA's.  So imagine my shock & surprise this last trip when I picked up an Extra posistion in coach to fly with them again, & I ended up not so thrilled.

     Not that this is of any monumental importance, but I don't really care for the way they work their trip back there.  They were still great & also very professional, so it's not that.  I just don't like it, other FA's do it so differently & they are stuck in their own rigid habits.  Whatever.  I was just dissappointed. 

     And one of them has a mean streak that I doubt I'll ever get use to.  It comes on suddenly, out of the blue for no reason.  Example:  Going thru security at lax I say to her as I'm gathering up my things & putting my jacket back on, "you guys go ahead, I know you like to get coffee at Starbucks."  To which she gives me this look of dissdane like I'm crazy & stupid & says shaking her head, "ohhh you're way off.." like I'm making it all up...  Writing it down, I just sound too sensitive..  but being there, it just wasn't necessary.  Especially like they always want to go early to get the fucking coffee, but oh... I guess that's just in the (early) morning? Okay, I'm wrong, it's not that early, it's almost noon, I'm CLEARLY way off.  Wierd.  sheesh.  I ignored it. 

     Neither one of them even looks at computers, so I doubt they'll ever read this.  And it's not that big of deal, anyway.  I just expected more.  I was really so happy to see them after 4 months apart.  But I just had thought it would have gone differently.

     Oh, & it came up that this one doesnt like Rosie O'Donnell, Joy Behar or Kathy Griffith because "they're so mean" & she doesn't think that's necessary.  Lordie, try looking in the mirror, darling.  I mean, SERIOUSLY.

     Why is this making me sad & annoyed?  I don't know, maybe because I couldn't wait to surprise them & be a part of the 'coach team'.  And it WAS good to be back with them.  I guess it just reminded me of things I didn't care about them, too.  AS IF there aren't a bunch of things that annoy them about me.  I'll look back on this as just another experience of us together over the years & see how silly I was to have felt upset.  I do think I'll start writing it all down now, tho.  Try not to pass out from bordom.

T 

A Meme from another blog

Found this meme from Suburban Lesbian
Fill in your own answers...

I AM   a lipstick lesbian feminist.

I WANT  to laugh & be happy!

I WISH    that I were smarter & to help people. 

I HATE   a lot of different people...   those aren't the ones I want to help...

I MISS   Charlie..  & my brother's last wife, even tho' I like this one...  & being able     to talk to my mother, even tho' it used to be torture.

I FEAR    death.

I HEAR    ringing in my ears.

I WONDER    if I'll ever make it to retirement before I die.

I REGRET  getting involved with drugs in my youth & not being the dancer I was born to be,

I AM NOT  as nice as I wish I were.

I DANCE     in the aisles 35,000 ft up.... & at an occasional dyke club.

I SING  off key, all the time.

I CRY   from the pain of melocholy.  I really should get over the past.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS     drinks for passengers   & some collage art.

I WRITE    to try to get it out,  to purge.

I CONFUSE   most everyone.

I NEED   money.

I SHOULD    have more energy & ambition.

I START   trying to clean house, but there's too much to finish.

I FINISH  eating all food on my plate!

 

I'M GLAD   I've now lost 38 lbs!!!  I have 26yrs sober.  And that I have Doris & don't want OR need a man.

 

I LIVE   to love & be loved by Doris.

 

I PRAY    for good health & guidance.

 

I SEEK     to always be close to God Goddess Universe. 

 

I WOULD RATHER      be camping in the trees by a lake.

 

I PREFER     non-smokers.

 

I KNOW     I'm a survivor.

 

I MUST HAVE    friends with a sense of  HUMOR. 

 

I HOPE     for whirled peas.