Oh God. Big Fight.

We had a big fight this morning.  It started because after vacuming & straightening the house, I noticed a big smudge mark on the couch the kids left.  I mentioned that it bothered me because they should have cleaned it up with a damp cloth instead of rubbing it in thinking we wouldn't notice. 

 Doris exploded saying I never say anything nice about anyone, that I make bigger messes than that everywhere, & nothing is as bad as what the cats do, scratching the corner of that couch. 

She was screaming & screaming, I was like, well Im trying to change & be neater & clean up more.

 And I was nicer & I was better, belive me if I wasn't so nice I would have said a LOT about Herman that I didnt,

then she was like well you're writing it all in your computer how terrible everyone is,

Im like well I sure as hell can't talk to you about it, God forbid your damn blood pressure will go up, oh I know, let's just all ignore everything & it will go away & everything & everyone will be just fine....  

She went on & on about how terrible I was & am, i was like well if you're so damn miserable why do you stay with me?  She said "I just let it all roll off my back." 

I said you have a lot of fucking nerve after how I worked so hard to get this house together for your kids & grandkids how dare you,

she was like I've cleaned up after your ass for years, & most of this mess was yours... 

I was crying she said oh now you're gona start crying,

I said youre wrong & your fucked up she was like well that makes 2 of us...  it went on & on... 

She said I needed to go to church tonight & pray hard, I said you need a shrink & fucking therapy (& I should have added & SO DO YOU CHILDREN.)

I was so pissed, I have been trying so hard to be good (it is NOT easy) & tidy even getting up this morning to clean to stay on top of it all.  She is pissed at Herman & is screaming at me.  She can go fuck herself, which Im sure she does. 

After that we went to brunch & had a nice afternoon walking around Jersey Gardens Mall.  as if nothing had happened.  well, fine.  Is this the way it will be from now on?  Try to take a page from her & just let it roll of my back?

We came home & she cooked a delecious dinner for us.  By the way I have now lost 25 lbs by the end of the year!!!  since sept. 

Now for New Years Eve we are going to church.  shit.  Id rather just stay in our cozy home in bad flipping thru the new years eve show as the ball drops.  No dinner to go to down the street this year.  Sad, that was fun for the past 2 years. 

I just do not believe this shit.  Gotta run, & get ready.  shit shit shit.  Fuck.

 

Back to Normal

Yesterday took the big duffel bag to Derricks so Herman could pick it up.  Don't know why we didn't leave it there the night before, but Doris wouldn't.  Therefore the whole day was wasted once again searching for Herman's butt, which we still didn't see.  Had taken the kids home the night before so the whole trip was totally unnecessary.  Went to the hairdresser for Doris which took the rest of the evening, but she looked beautiful.  It took so long that I missed Weight Watchers, so I'll go tonight.  Ate at Charlie Brown's & decompressed.  sigh.  Came home & sat on the couch by the Xmas tree & held the cat.  Boo Boo is so sweet.  She calmed me down.  Took a hot bath & crawled into bed.  yea, bed.

     Yesterday I signed up for a free dailey positive thinking email service.  But nothing showed up on the computer today. 

Is It Over Finally?

So okay, Herman never came home.  Fine with me, but the boys are hurt.  We finally took them home after waiting for the Rat Bastard at Derrick's then zooming over to Penn Station in EWR to bring his huge duffel bag to him, couldn't find him there either. 

Doris was mad at me for voicing my opinion about her little asswipe motherfucker.  Like me talking about it is making it worse for the boys.  How can it be worse?  And how can they love him so much?  Everybody just adores this selfish prick buttbrain who calls & leaves messages like, 'everyone wants to spend time with me, but I don't have so much to go around,'  'Next time I'll spend a day with my friends & set aside the rest of my time to be with you & the kids.'

Doris is really furious with him, but she will just let it go so as not to aggravate her blood pressure.   At least this time she did voice her displeasure.  But of course, I should not.  Actually I've been better than usual about it (in my opinion), but not to her. She keeps clearing her throat.  Like that's gona stop my thoughts & feelings on the subject.

When we finally got back home, I was so gleeful: "oh Poochie, isn't it so great to be home alone again, just the two of us!!?"  She replied non-chalantly, "it's okay." 

Well, fuck that.  My whole vacation has been ruined.  As usual.  It's all been built around the holiday, getting the place ready for her family, esp Herman & his boys, creating a comfortable nest for them to visit in, & dealing with the result of their pain of not being put first. 

So I guess that is what it's all about really.  The pain of not being put first.  Better to be the adult, than the child growing up & having to learn & face the reality of not being loved for real. 

As an adult, the pain is just regular that still burns thru the years, something you can forget about with practice, until those times it pops, up, back in your old psyche...  That dull ache (like an old broken bone that throbs in the dampness) reminding you that you weren't then & aren't now good enough, or deserving of true love.  That happiness can only be relative to the moment, not really dependable or even expected.

So the lesson always is that one must create their own happiness, live their own love.  Doris does this well, usually.  I'm always thrown back to the little kid desperate to please, offering her heart to those who just aren't able to give back enough, wanting to become whole no matter what whom ever else does or thinks,...  But stuck in that all to familiar limbo to really make it.  To be it, to live it, to heal it, to do it.  To be who I am & thrive accordingly. 

I always think I've about gotten all this down. Until God (gee thanks, God) throws a monkeywrench into the mix & sends along someone to remind you how fragile reality (yours, mine, their's, ours) still can be.  That the lesson(s) still needs to be learned & conquered,  That one step at a time we must walk thru the aggravation until we become better.  And someday I might finally "get it." 

Until I do, I'll have to repeat the cycles over & over again.  So what is the fucking problem, why is it SO HARD to learn life's lessons?  Some people never do, I doubt seriously my mother did.  I do not want to be doomed to have to repeat all this shit & have to come back in my next incarnation & start all over again with this same crap. 

So what to do, what to do?  Don't get stuck!  Observe it all, recognize what can be changed & what can't.  (I can only change myself, not Herman, not Doris.)  Okay, Go on, live & learn.  Stop bitching, start climbing above it- somehow, someway.  Hmmmm, sounds impossible to me.  Because I'm quite comfortable sitting & complaining.  So try a more positive effect: What?  This is where I get stuck.  Just go on & live.  Love.  Oh man, too much effort.  Gotta do it, gotta be it.  sigh, maybe.  Whatever.  shit.  Lethargy.  Avoidance.  don't wanna.  oh God, here comes that bolt of depression.  I gotta get better at this, or nothing will change. 

Clomp   clomp   clomp.  (Me plodding ahead one step at a time.)  sigh.

AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!!  I fuckin' hate it,  I really don't know how to get/be more positive. 

Well, gotta try.  Or it will only get worse.

Day Two

Okay, the boys woke the darn dog up again barking me from such a sound slumber.  fuck.  I said to doris, they gotta go home today, I need a vacation, It's my turn now.  She said okay, much to my surprise! 

Then she stayed in bed until 1300 - 100p for you civilians.  I didnt push, say the kids are hungary, shouldnt we be doing something with them, nothing.  We went for brunch finally at 1400  -200p. 

Then we went to Kohls again to get their mother a warm robe, pijamas, & sweater.  Then to Foreman Mills, God that place was great, to get Juan some 4xxxx stuff.  Then went to take them home, but they were so sad since HERMAN the fuckface asswipe father of theirs still didnt come home OR call.  So I said they could take their stuff into their house & come back with us.  They were estatic!  I did a good thing.  I felt good about it.  It is different since it's on my terms & not forced on me by Doris.  Thank you God for changing my heart & making me a better person.

Watched Tina Turner be honored at the Kennedy Center on TV, the whole show was fabulous.                                             Beyonce turned it all out, honeypies-doing Proud Mary.  OMG!!! 

I ate the rest of the christmas food we brought home.  I hope I havent gained.  oh well.  It's all good. 

PS  Got a new black leather jacket.  It's so nice, looks cool on me, too.  yeaaaaaa!!

Day one

     Well, it started this morning when Roxie woke me from a dead sleep barking, she had been awakened by the boys & their dad all moving around & doing well, nothing... 

     Herman was looking for bacon to cook, we don't have any (amazing since Doris is still eating it), I told him we're on diets.  I feed her, put her out & climbed back up to bed, but no wait. 

     Herman wanted me to get on the phone to tell JeRoo how to get to our house "because he wants to visit us.."   Why'd you call him this early I said as I was giving this fool the directions.  Shit.  Another damn man in the house.  I'm going have to fumagate. 

     So he comes, I hear a lot of noise, then  see Herman geting in the car to leave.  He's gone,....  silence.  sigh, I breathe!  But wait, NO.  He left his sons.  Herman just left them, said 'I'll be back in a few minutes I have to go out,"  and that was it for him.

     For the boys tho' deep depression.  They were SO thrilled to see him as usual, but then the next day poof away he goes.  The kids were devestated, altho they should be used to this bS, they always still have hope because they love their father so much.  They tried to pretend they were fine.  Poor babies were so dissappointed. 

     We took them to IHOP for pancakes (I had a fucking turkey/tomatoe sandwich... man, was THAT hard,)  took them shopping for clothes, & Timberland boots, which Doris charged.

     Then Davian threw up.  Hurled his gutts all over Kohls parking lot.  Damn, he was sick.  I tried to help him, Doris & Nijohn were'nt doing much,  The ole flight attendant thing took over (for barfing passengers).  Got him home, in the shower, Doris washed all his clothes, their both downstairs asleep now. 

      Of course Herman hasn't returned.  Or called.   What an Ass.  So what else is new? 

     Okay, I'm done.  I want them to leave & go home.  They are sweet.  But I never wanted kids, & I dont want them now.  Only 6 more days of vacation.  And I need one.  Nijohn said his mother told him they could stay here till next year as they dont have to go back to school.  Ah.....NO I dont think so.   

Christmas

     Well, tonight I have 3 grown men laying around downstairs sleeping.  42 yrs, 18 yrs & 13 yrs.  They are all tall.  Doris' son & 2 grans.  So far Im doing okay, but give me another day or two, I'll be off the damn wall. 

     Really,....  if I wanted men in tighty whiteys laying around I woulda stayed frickin' straight.  Just the fact that they have fucking dicks gets on my nerves.  All that male entitlement they all grow up with is just nausiating.  Men suck.  And they NEVER appreciate a good woman.  Bunch of frickin' putz brains.  (ah, yeah okay, SOME of them are nice...)  (but it's probably all a good act!  HAH!) 

      Other than that, I hope you had a good Christmas!!  I did, it is a good one.  Thank GOD, GODDESS, UNIVERSE that I am still not depressed.  Thank you Jesus!!  And happy Birthday, by the way!      

Christmas Eve 2005

Tonight was the best Christmas Eve ever!  Got up this morning, & did a lot more vacuming & picking up.  Went out with Doris to look for Dora Dolls for Shikienah.  Couldn't find any, they were all sold out.  Bought toys for Jacir.  Looked for Timberland Boots for Davian & NiJohn.  yikes, expensive.  Ate Salmon at Applebys.  It was all nice, just the 2 of us.  Came home, passed out for 20 min.  Straightened out bedside table.  Emptied trashes, while doris did a Betsey Ross & patched up her jeans.  THEN:

Got dressed again & drove to NYC to see the Xmas Tree at Rockafeller Centre & all the City decorations!!!!  Had hotdogs at Papaya Grey.  It was wonderful & all so fun!  Many people were there, Church bells were peeling when a huge cathedral let out after midnight mass.  I had her all to myself, it was  glorious!   It was the best christmas ever ever!!!

Now it's 0300a.  I'm pooped.  But I DID have energy early on, & that my friend was beyond amazing!

Time for sleep!  Merry Christmasssssssssss, what a gift.

Got a Lot done!

Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of myself!

Last night I finished lacing the photo albums, all 10 of them! 

I got up at 1000a.  Cleaned the extra room I use as a closet!  (That took all morn).  (Doris fixed the hanging rods that had fallen off one wall..  Thank God!)

Vacumed the dog & cat room, & the house lightly (more later!)  (I broke the vacum cleaner, but thank GOD, Doris fixed it!)

Doris hung the big blue balls on the dogwood & I went out to help her & finished that up.  (Yep we have big blue balls hanging on trees in our front yard.)  I then hung all the other blue outside lights.  But not as neat & perfect as all the years before.  I basically just threw them up, but it still took a long time.  It looks okay, fine, a bit pretty.  Im not puttng up the white tree with blue lights in the upstairs window this year.  Altho it looks good ea year, I dont feel like it.  so there, humph!

Then I marched from house to house & delievered my xmas letter in all the mailboxes.  I addressed more I had forgotten then drove to the post office to mail them. 

Went to the $1.00 store & got holiday bags for all my photo albums.  Then went & got a Christmas tree for $15. (finally).

Doris helped put up the tree, I put white lights on it & hung a slew of ornaments!!!   YEA!!!!!!!!!  Have more ornaments to put on it, but if I dont, it looks just fine the way it is.  Gosh, I hate putting it up so late, but at least THAT's over.  Thank you Jesus!! 

Okay, there's still alot to do & clean.  BUT if I dont, then so what.  This is enough.  I feel SO fuckin' relieved. 

Doris spoke with her kids & grans today.  Everyone is supposedly coming.  Herman will be on a sun morning Grayhound.  I'm mellow about it for the moment because the house is almost ready.  Doris was even saying I wish nobody is coming.  Now she is saying I hope they all come then everybody leaves immediately.  Here here!  You KNOW that's how I feel.  Would ratherit all just be me & her.

I feel BAD I have no present for Doris.  This is the 2nd year I havent gotten her a gift.  I AM FUCKING BROKE, dammit.  And those dorky photo albums cost about $2000 to do.  I know some day when we are all dead, the children & grandchildren will really appreciate them.  The picture letters, $300.  Not gonna talk about stamps.  I took out more savings to do it all. 

At least I dont have to buy new clothes to wear xmas day since I can now fit in my old ones!!  Boy did I let myself get fat.  phew!  Thank you God for helping me get a grip.

So now after a hot bath, I am ready to crash.  Man, I am tired.  But I am not depressed!  This is good.

Too much stuff to do

stuff to do   stuff to do    stuff to do    stuff to do    stuff to do    stuff to do   stuff to do    stuff to do    stuff to do     stuff to do    stuff to do   stuff to do   stuff to do

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS

PS:  I lost 24 lbs now!!!!  Weight Watchers rule!  This is the good news!

YEA, ME!

AAAAAAaaaaa xmas insanity

OYE THE PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!  I can barely stand it. 

 still working on the frickin' photo albums.  never realized how miserable doris is this year until i got all the pics blown up.  well, fuck.  i'm miserable too, life has NOT changed for  the better.  we both look like crap in all the pictures.  there wasn't even 1 good photo of us together.

 and NOW just 3 days before xmas & no telling when the moocher is coming to stay.  yesterday we were supposedly driving to ewr just to mail the bills, some of which were late...  i was like shit, we gotta go all the way to ewr???  'yes yes, the mail goes out right away there.' 

 WELL, after dumping the bills in the mail box, she starts heading the wrong dirrection home.  where are you going????  TO THE BUS STATION TO GET A TICKET FOR HERMAN....  fuck.  very manipulative & dishonest.  i didnt even say anything.  (i imagined tape over my mouth).

 that worked!  have to try that more often.  imagery, it's a good thing. 

 i cant believe it, his mother is retired, he finally has a job, but she has to send him a bus ticket (probably to make sure he comes.)  he is such a deadbeat slime.  HATE HIM. 

 cant stand the thought of him laying over the couch downstairs calling everyone he knows & eating everything in the kitchen. 

 what fucking lesbian wants a full grown MAN laying around the house???  not this one for sure.  but doris loves her children, as well she should.  too bad she raised SUCH A  LOOSER.  And I gotta pretend to welcome him & love him.  he probably knows I can't stand his bullshit gutts.  

  i'll have to pull out the actress vanessa grace, which is still hell because she hates him too!!!  probably better just to do felicia flight attendant, she's MUCH better at acting nice around assholes.  too bad, she really needs a vacation. 

 the house is a MESS.  gotta run, try to get it together.  AAAAAAaaaaaaaa.  doris has no boundaries.  Life is just great.      NOT!!!!

     fuck, shit, piss.

 somebody HEP me!!!  please!

I Have Frickin' Bronchitis

Went to a new Dr. - yikes, not what I'd expected.  Gosh, she was homely - which would be okay, but she was very cold.  No warm fuzzies whatsoever.  However she did say  I have bronchitis & she gave me scripts for an antibiotic & the others; Lipitor & thyroid crap which is good so I don't have to go to my last dumbass Dr.  Also got a flu shot!  That damn antibiotic was $50.  for six.  Good grief.  The nurse was very nice but I didn't like the office. It was in seedy strip mall & not so great, & far away in Edison.  So much for that. At least it's an alternative.  That last fuckin' Dr.Jennifer Asshole May tried to sabatage my job & said I'd never get shingles again, wouldn't sign my family leave papers in case I did.  So if I have to call in sick again, I'm fired.  She had SEEMED nice & had a lovely new office in Summit, but the nurse was a grump & Ms Jennifer turned out to be a pregnant BITCH.  I don't want another young, new Dr.  She ended up being stupid. 

      

Starting vacation in bed! I Love Bed.

 Oh my gosh, I just came off 4 days flying, I'm pooped & have a croopy cough deep in my lungs.  Doris thinks I have pluracy, haha! 

 I made a very short Xmas letter at Kinkos on my last layover so that's done, no good picture of us together this year, so no picture card.  I did put one on the letter.  That's it for this year. Hope all my fans won't be too dissappointed, heh heh!

 Usually my letters are good. spiritual.  with a clever writer's comment thrown in.  This year, Not spiritual, just plain, straight fwd 'well made it thru another year' kinda thing.  Nothing clever.  I am Not feeling any of that & choose not to fake it.  This writer's block  will lift when I have something I NEED to write, I guess. 

 I SHould feel more grateful, I'm not a Katrina survivor, or a cancer survivor (yet...) or homeless, jobless or loveless.  I gotta snap out of it. 

 I am on vacation now!!  (have 2 measley weeks off,) Can't even be happy for that since I ALWAYS used to have the whole damn month.  At least I can rest some.  Didn't go to Curves today.  Just staying in bed coughing to death.  sheesh.  I sure got the 'poor little me's". 

 I shall go to Weight Watchers later.  Hope I lost another lb.  Boy am I a bore today. mmmmm, need a nap I guess.

 Depression....  But just on the edge of it, thank God not slogging thru the quick sand middle of it.  Not sinking, just floating.  Bouncing in & out of that twilight zone perimeter. Wait!  I think I'm coming out of it...  I'll be fine.  Now for that nap.

Gee Whiz

     Well, I'm so dissappointed.  Twice so.  My credit union will give me the loan for the RV ($15,000) but at 8.5% with $700 down, AND $300 twice a month (out of Each paycheck.)  shit.  Can't afford that.  Good GOD.  fuck. So much for that. They tried to get me to take a loan out on the house, combine the$11,000 I still owe on the PT cruiser with the $15,000 for the RV.  uhmmm, No.  Nevermind.  no second mortgages for me, I can't even afford the ONE I have.  sigh.  Wish I were rich.  Maybe people would like to buy some Arbonne I have ordered.  Yeah sure, they're all as broke as I am at American.  So that's probably not a bright idea.  whatever.

     2nd, I finally put this damn hp photo thing together & it prints but doesnt blow up pictures.  Great, just great.  All that money I spent last year for this.  Thought I could print the photos myself this year.  fuck fuck fuck.  Wonder if it's too late to take it to Office Max.  ahhh, Yes.  It's already 12/7.  geesh. 

    Im going to sleep.  Not gona stress on this tonight.  I seriously might not do ANYthing for Xmas.  I am SO Dissappointed I can't afford the RV.  It is nice.  Bed, toilet, microwave, 2 burners & fridge with airconditioner on top of roof to plug in.  Small, 19ft.  Blue comfy capt's seats.  Really nice.  Damn it.  Got to keep in perspective the poor Katrina victims that have nothing.  I got a house, car, nice girlfriend that cooks great dinners, & a job - hopefully with a pension eventually.  I'm okay.

Feeling better

     I feel better tonight.  The last 2day trip was kinda nerve-wracking because I kept thinking about Doris leaving, I wanted to cry when I spoke with the flight attendants about it.  Sharon Laughlin said this sounded like when Dana left her.  I started wondering if there is another woman she is interested in & already wants.  And she is trying to start these fights just to get out easier.  When I got back, I asked her point blank & she said no.  Later I asked her to swear to God & she swore on her Mother.  That was pretty convincing.  So I'm breathing better.  She said 'going somewhere' meant she just wanted to take a trip somewhere.  hmmm.  Okay, maybe. 

     I saw a RV on the way home from the airport tonight I liked & took Doris to see it.  We both got excited thinking about it.  Big problem tho, it's $15,000.  shit.  Oh for the good old days back when we went camping in the Poconos.  Geese, how many years ago was that, anyway?  You know of course, that I am trying to figure out in my mind if there is ANYway to get another car loan from the credit union.  I'm pathetic.

     Got the pictures back, there are so many,  I have alot of work to do.  There are NO good pics of Doris & I together.  Maybe I'll just have to forego the picturecard.  What a shame.  What ever,  things dont seem to be going all that well anyway.  And What am I going to say in the 'holiday letter'?...  Kathy & Doris are now living in total misery since she has retired...  Merry Xmas & better luck in '06 ?

     I've got to find another way to make money.  I have been feeling too insecure.  Not what I'd pictured with Doris' retirement.  I really don't know, I don't think I can become a better, nicer person.  It's horrifying, I guess I've turned into my mother.  Thank GOD I never had children.  At least I never terrified an innocent young being like I obviously do Doris.  Or maybe I have.  Davion & Nijohn sure haven't thrilled me since they've began to grow up.  Best they haven't been back since the screenhouse incident.  I could not hide my rage.

     When depression hits, it seems like all energy disolves & I just sit in a dazed frazzel.  I loose all control over being nice.  Patience is not even an idea, not a thought.  My nerves become twisted & freyed & my inner shreaking banshee (the ghost of mother past!) comes out of my being with a vengence.  She has become me.  I have become HER!  How could I have EVER let this happen, especially with all the fucking therapy (& therapists!) I've been thru?? I should just change my name to Mrs. Ruth Edith Brodrick.  Oh my God, perish the thought!

      Ah, the life of a schitzo, co-dependant, bi-polar(why not?) MPD nutcase!  Can we say "A n g e r  M a n a g e m e n t  C l a s s e s???"  Like that would even help...  Just push it all back down inside.  I need to find a way to defuse it all before "the bitch" escapes my mind & her thoughts & feelings become verbal.  She really needs masking tape across her mouth, maybe she'll stay out of trouble!  Maybe then Doris would have some peace, & so would I!

     I've been stuffing down anger with food for a few decades now.  So, Now that I'm starving to death with Weight Watchers, (yeah see- it's not MY fault) it's harder to keep the 'lid' on the ole pressure cooker.  And I really want to be skinny again.  So, lots of luck trying to keep "Mt. Vesuvious" under cover here.  Oh, God...  it all seems so impossible.

     These are all just excuses to act out, I guess.  I'm simply too old for all this.  Too tired.  I just want to be happy with Doris.  I gotta try NOT to let anyone or anything get in the way.  Especially myself.  (selves.)

    

Holiday Stress

There is just always too much to do.  The frickin' outdoor lights, the tree, get the pictures developed, pick them out, develop them put them in windows & make the photo albums, get picture xmas cards made, write the xmas letter, send it all out, clean the fucking house, get the dog groomed.  Maybe I JUST WON'T DO ANYTHING. 

I'm depressed I have to work so much, the paychecks have been cut in half as well as the vacations, I get only 2 measly weeks the end of dec instead of the whole month.  And I assure you, it will be NO vacation with so much to do, not to mention you know who coming to stay with us for the "holiday" to see his kids & mother, & act like he's NOT a deadbeat dad.  He truly makes my stomach turn, esp to watch Doris adore his looser ass so much.

     Last night we had another fight, I seem to be too much of a mean, hateful bitch to Doris & it just "makes her want to go somewhere."  Again with the threat to leave me.  I just broke down & cried because of all of the above, (didn't mention the looser son) & that it has become impossible to make her happy since she's retired.  I am becoming more & more depressed & it scares me.  But not as much as Doris' leaving...  However que sera sera. if that's what she wants to do, she probably COULD find someone easier to get along with. I can be such a bitch.  glad I'm flying out today, even tho' I'm exhausted & don't want to go anywhere.