I want a Big Truck

I want a truck.  A big one.  I miss riding up high above the maddening crowd.  I miss feeling tough when I drive.  My PT Cruiser is cute.  Red & cute.  Sometimes I feel red & cute, but never do I ever feel little & compact.  I am not a soccer mom or an accountant.  Everybody loves my cute little car.  But, I want a big 4wheel drive truck that says get the fuck out of my way, Im coming thru NOW.  That's how I felt with Barbarella, my giant, dark red Dodge Ram Charger that I had to jump up into.  I may not have been too in charge with my life, but I surely was in charge of the Road!  You get more Respect in a big truck.  I feel like a dork driving a cramped, sensible, piddely psuedo sports car.  And there's just not enough room for all the junk I want to drive around with.  No way can I bring home that shiney new grill for Doris on layaway at Walmart.  As cool & adorable as my bright, polished Cruiser looks to many who stare as I zoom by, I feel much more aloof & in control in a large, solid Big-wheel. 

     Although Im aware I should be grateful for what I've got (& I am,) I still want a darn Truck. 

     Oh well.  There's a LOT in life that I want...... Im just not adjusting too well to life without a truck.

How does one just let it slide?

Woke up early from the damn dog barking, I told her no, but couldnt go back to sleep.  I flipped the TV to an early morning Joel Ostein show, he is a great preacher.  Today he spoke about keeping your Peace, ...dont give up your happiness to the devil.... Let God fight your battles,   just dont worry about anything....  Give it all to God.

     Fine.

     Yeah great, but how?  How does one just let everything roll off her/his back?  It's such a good idea, but I do have a temper.  A very, very BAD, Nasty temper.  (Gee thanks ma...)  Always said I would never be like my (crazyass) mother & Ive turned out just like her.  How is this fair, Goddamn it??  After all the years of therapy (God bless my 3 shrinks) I went thru, all the years of AA meetings, DA, CA, SIA, SCA, OA & CODA meetings I went to...,  for what?  To still blame my shit on Mommy Dearest???  Well, since I am 57, I DO need to take responsibility for my own Bull...  But I'll be damned if Im STILL like my screaming banshee mother.  It seems to be getting worse with age.  Either I just cant help it any more, OR maybe I just no longer give a damn at this point.  Which ever it is, I gotta knock it off.  This is unnecessary behavior that will only bring out more shingles bursting thru the epidermis of my body with intense rage & fury.  But if I hold it in, the SAME will happen it seems.  SO...  how the HELL do I just let everything slide ???   Just blow it off?  Roll it off my back?  I dont know.  Doris can do it. She's good at it, altho it often seems to me like she's sticking her head in the sand.  That always annoys the shit out of me....  See what I mean?  But it definately works for her.  Well, Im gonna have to figure out some other way.  I guess it would help if I stopped wanting everyone to agree with me about  - well - basically everything.  To think the brilliant way I do....  what's wrong with them, anyway???  Big stupid idiots.   And is it too fucking much to ask that my own girlfriend would be a militant feminist lesbian (LIKE ME) into fighting for our cause in places say, like Church??  Oh NOOO, she's gona choose to just let homophobia roll of her back & stay calm.  I dont know.  I just dont know how to do that....  And how about when Im totally focused on that wonderful, exciting new show, The L Word so into it, so THrilled there's an actual drama about Gay Women... & girlfriend is gettin up, loudly shuffeling papers around, going down stairs & coming back up with graham crackers in a crackling package, dunking into milk during the most integral parts of dyke trauma drama...  oh GAWD give me SSSStrength....  Lordy, dare I think it??  My Woman isnt even a lesbian.  Not really.  (Im getting nutty here..)  She's just a woman....  A woman who loves me.  Well damn, cant I be gratful for THAT???  Yess Mammm, oh yes I CAN!!!  But God I need help, give me patience to just let the rest roll off my back.  Clearly Doris does.

    Gee Wiz.  Those great trank pills from the dr. only made me sleepy today, they did NOT soothe me, or calm me down.  Sheesh...  That was fast.  oh, well. 

Everything is CALM

     Well I am starting to feel ever so much better, thank GOD!  Still not well, but nothing like being really sick to appreciate feeling better.  One thing tho, this new medication the Dr. gave me for the itchy/burny deep inside my body under the healing shingle scars... this stuff makes me SO woosy.  And it knocked me out last night.  ...could hardly walk when I got up.  And I THINK its a tranquilizer.  Like an Elephant tranquilizer, ha!  That's appropriate with all the weight Ive gained. Ha ha ha.  Feeble attempt at humor when Im calm, free of anxiety in a sedated lull. GOD, I hate to say it...  I LOVE DRUGS.  damn.  No wonder I am a fricking drug addict...  Altered realities, feeling HIGH, stumbling thru life...always much better to me than plodding along with both feet planted firmly on solid ground, facing the daily grind of concrete existance.  SO much better, & I always forget how great it is, until Im into the middle of it & BANG! Im suddenly thinking oh wow THIS is nice!... Let me just hang back & enjoy it while it lasts.  What a relief to just relax & not give a Shit.  It's always such a struggle to not worry constantly, Im always fretting about something or someone.  And Im so grateful to feel better from the pain & itching, (jeeze I dont know which will drive ya crazy first or worst....) that I almost dont care that it' a drug that's doing it.  But since Ive been in recovery for 24yrs I know damn well I'll have to keep a close watch on this latest development. 

Damn.  Yet something ELSE to worry about.   

  

The 70's

I loved the 70's!....What I can remember about it.  I had lot's of fun trying to escape from reality, as it were.  Everything I did was basically a bad choice.  And if I had it to do all over again, I would change EVERYTHING.  If only I could!  I should have been a dancer.  I became a 'stewardess' to get to NY to study Jazz Ballet with LUIGI on Broadway.  It's what I was meant to do.  My God, I was SO good!  And although it was difficult to come off hard flights & take 3 & 4 dance classes a day, I did it & was just going for the gusto of the time to come when I would eventually audition for Broadway Musicals!  But alas...  I blew it.  Totally.  Got involved with Sex & Drugs & (Rock n Roll...  more like DISCO.)  Became a true Disco Queen for the ages!  So COOL, I thought I was.  And, if you saw me you'd have probably thought so, too.  But no.  I was definately not cool.  I did not want to get married, just to support my dance habit.  I did NOT want to live in a Dancer's commune just to be able to afford dance class.  I HAD to support myself on my own, so I kept flying.  Something had to go.  I was burning the candle at both ends, AND the middle.  One day I was just too tired & run down to get up & go to Luigi's.  The next day, I didnt go either.  From that moment on I was a true fool.  A slave to my new addictions, which well overtook my love of dance & any ambitions I had to succeed.  I chose to fail, must have had a fear of success.  I could go on for hours about why.  But that is a whole other story....

Now the only dancing Im doing is back & forth, up & down,  in the aisles.....  like a crazed lunitic, I might add.

Sunshine

It's a beautiful day outside my window.  So why dont I feel like jumping up & running out?  Esp when it's supposed to rain tomorrow...

The weather...  It's what everybody talks about when they're bored, or have nothing else to say.  Well, I have to remember the lesson I finally learned after moving to NJ from NYC...

There was always SO much energy in the City.  When I first got here to the burbs I just sat around baffeled.  'Where was I gona wear my black leather motorcycle jacket?'  'What about all my really cool dyke garb I used to tromp around the streets with my activist gay rights self??'  It felt like suddenly being thrown back in "the closet," God forbid I put up a rainbow flag by the front door.  Everyone around here was straight, with children no less..Gag!..What an adjustment.  Booring, boring, BORING!!!

So one day, as I was lounging on a chaise under the tall trees in my back yard, reading a meditation book, drinking a nice cup of decafinated tea, watching cows chomp on the grass in the farm pasture behind our new (old) house,...I finally got the answer....

BOREDOM IS PEACEFUL...             sighhhhh.

 

My Friend Franklin

Back in '68/'69 when I was a brand new Stewardess recently based in NYC, I met Franklin at an apartment party one night!  He was a beautiful, masculine, animated gay guy & swept in to this otherwise ordinary boring affair with a true butch/fem lesbian couple... I was quite mesmerized with all of them, couldnt take my eyes off them all night!  The party was given by another gay friend from my theater major days in college (Stephen F. Austin in Nacogdoches, Texas) so I could hook up with a 'straight' accuaintance of his, Jordan. I ended up going with Jordan for the next (miserable) 2yrs, but I absolutely FELL for Franklin & all his many entourages thru the next 2 decades as he introduced me to "The Life" as we say in the Gay World.  It was like a magnet I couldnt pull away from, altho at the time I never realized that I was nearly dying to "come out,"... 'straight' men being such as they are, always around, always available, always hard (except for good ole Jordon, but that's another story), & always, always after my A**, sex with men was Not what I didnt like about them... it was their Emotional Development.  Or rather the lack there of.  Even the best Man I ever loved & lived with, hung like a can of glade, sweet, nice, did shiatsu message, cooked & cleaned, & was a Great F*ck & gorgeous (wonderful Doug)...even after all that I would still want to be with Women...  But that's another story too, so let me get back to Franklin....

Growing up in Dallas & Richardson Texas, I had always been attracted to the night life.  To the night, period!  Everything always seemed magical at night, & definately romantic!  Moving to Los Angeles after college I was even more excited to be alive around so much beauty!  But shortly after becoming based in NYC, I'll never forget the thrill of riding over the Triboro Bridge as that fabulous lit up skyline just took my breath away!  Even the steam coming up thru the manholes was mesmerizing,...mystical & bewitching, it was just like the movies!  I turned native the minute my feet hit the pavement downtown on the edge of Greenwich Village, where I would soon begin to cut my 'baby teeth' into New York City Life!!  I loved it, & NEVER wanted to leave. You could be splendid, or just plain... without makeup & simply blend into the hundreds of people walking (briskly!) down the streets!  You could be anyone or anything you wanted at any time of the day or night!  And it was SO great not to have to smile every minute, although when I first got there I couldnt help myself & soon learned that would only bring on too many unwanted glances & advances.  I began to hone an unfriendly, bored & snotty look like the rest of the 'Big Apple' population for self defense... only showing a vulnerable side to those I chose. It was great after coming from a southern land where everybody smiled & blinked (otherwise batted their eyes) when they talked & giggled, but stabbed you in the back when you walked away.  Here in NY, people were a bitch to your face if they didnt like you - which seemed So not phony, & made separating out real friends much easier.

    By the time I met Franklin, I had been hurt by my college love, totally devastated & decided to become sexually active since that seemed to be the only thing that would numb the pain of my short life.  I believe it  became an addiction long before I got into smoking pot or drinking booze.  And in fact, so did over-eating but luckily (or not) at that time my youth & nervous energy, & being on the fast track kept my weight down at a 'seemingly normal' level.  But that is yet another story.  

     Franklin took me away from what I thought were all my problems.  Well, not really, but the fun I had with him & all the laughter & excitment gave me such a new 'manic' outlet that everything seemed so much better with him!  And he made me feel beautiful!  Which I was, we both were... we made a gorgeous couple.  We were 'Will & Grace' long before that sitcom ever came on TV. Franklin & I went to all the gay bars, the drag bars, Sunday brunch Tea Parties, & parties of beautiful, exciting people all over the City!  I remember one dark, cold & snowy day he picked me up in a black limo & off we went to JFK & boarded a flight to San Francisco where we froliced all over that wonderful Gay City up &down Lombard & Castro Streets, across the golden Gate Bridge & over to Saucilito!  From there we took a flight to Hawaii where Franklin grew up & he showed me all of Oahu & over to Hilo where he's from & on to Kona.  Everywhere we traveled we got adjoining rooms where Franklin would put one stereo speaker under my door & was the disc jockey as we got ready to go out & when we would come back to our rooms at night having met potential partners for  rendevous', if they were gay, they would go with him...if they were straight they would come back with me...   And the music played on!  Franklin did boom boxes before anyone else!  Always in the morning we would meet & talk about all the fun we had the night before!  One night we even hiked up to a mountain across from an active volcano & watched the spewing eruptions thru the mist & beautiful,firey lava flows like we were standing on Mt Sianai waiting for the 10 Comandments to come down.  Never in my life had I ever seen anything like that & the love I felt with Franklin was a bigger sensation than anything Id ever shared with other, ordinary men. Years later I was able to move into his wonderful huge apartment in the exclusive area of E.60th street between Park & Madison when he moved uptown with his new boyfriend who would become his life partner.  I loved that apartment & later became strong enough to "come out", get clean & sober & eventually meet Doris who was to become My life partner!  

All that was confusing to Francoise (my pet name for him) as he had never thought I was a drug addict, or an alchoholic, much less a solid lesbian since I had been such a bi-sexual for so long.  But I knew my life was spinning out of control, with drugs as well as sexually.  And I had wanted a Woman's love for so long, being with bi-sexual women was definately not like being with a Woman's woman.  As soon as I was in the arms of a bonafide Lesbian, I KNEW that's where I belonged.  After this long road of trying to find the right man, I finally realized why that was so impossible for me.  Unfortunately being in my first female relationship for 1 & 1/2 yrs was real rocky.  But then, that's yet another story.... 

to be continued...

I got an old person's disease, can you believe it?! An email to friends..

Hi guys,
I am writing to tell you that I have unfortunately come down with SHINGLES! It is really painful & I have had it for 2 weeks now. Had to call in sick for flying the beginning of May. It looks as if I will have to stay on the sick list the whole month because this stupid thing just doesnt seem to be going away. The 1st week I was REALLY sick, fluish, tired, in jabbing pain like a hot poker under my right armpit, down my arm, across my right chest & upper back. It sucks. But I know it could
it could be worse, so Im grateful its not in my eyes, etc. Some people get over shingles in 3 weeks, some longer, just spoke to one 96yr old lady who's had it for 6 years. As for the cause, besides being chicken pox dormant in the body since childhood, Im thinking I may have brought this on from stress: flying 102 hrs (work high time since the frickin' paycut) one month, 90-95 hrs most months, & also doing real estate ea day off - not to mention Doris retired 6 mo ago & its been quite an adjustment.
I thought I had been handling everything really well, but clearly my body decided to explode in all these little red blisters, stabbing pain & iching. really lovely. So now Im sleeping a lot since that is one way shingles effect you, giving that 'influenza' body ache feeling. I'll wake up feeling much better, but soon I'll feel so run down & drowsy.
So, Im just taking it easy for now, biding my time hoping this too shall pass. I mean I really DO have to go back to flying soon! smile.
Im sending out this newsletter to those of you used to hearing from me more often. Sorry it's such a bummer, guess Im feeling a bit sorry for myself, altho I try to go thru a gratitude list each day! Im well aware things could be so much worse. I shall just enjoy this time off & rest.
love youse all,
Kath

Tired

Didnt sleep long last night.  Of course I had 2 naps earlier in the day, before I went to a Century21 staff meeting about underground oil tanks... which was enough to send me right back into another coma... Just more ways people take advantage of sellers & buyers in the name of ecology...so much money to take care of this new burgeoning problem that was never a question 5 years ago when I started doing real estate.  damn.  Anyway, stayed up writing in this blog/journel last night & fell asleep late.  Of course, Roxie woke us uparound 0600 barking for food & to be let out.  It is a problem since Doris has retired, she gets so perturbed at the dog barking in the morning (or anytime for that matter...claims that never happens when Im gone on flights,"all the animals behave for HER"...)  I wished she loved animals like I do, but she doesnt, never will.  She gets jealous of any attention I give them, hates the noise & the hair, & will NOT let them on the furniture.  It's sad.  It was a mistake to get the dog for Doris years ago, altho at the time she claimed she wanted a schnauzer.  I love my animals.  Id rather be with cats & dogs than human beings.  Anytime.  Flying will do that.  A job around a kadrillion people all these decades will definately turn you off of humanoids.  Probably for good.  That is why I just like to be alone with Doris instead of socializing so much.  Phase 3 we call it in 'the biz.' ... making conversation after all the work & serving is done.  Inane drival for the most part...'so is this a business trip or pleasure?...Where are you from?...Are you making a connection in LA?...'  blaa blaa blaa.  Give me the sweet purr of a kittycat or 2, or the happy wagging tail of a dog estatic to see you, the unconditional love of these wonderful animals is impossible not to adore. 

      And Doris would be SO much happier without any of them.  It's a problem.  Esp when she tells me each day how she wishes they were all gone, she gets so aggravated.  Then I get aggravated.  Upset.  My damn shingles start itching.  hell, no wonder Ive got shingles... among other reasons...just more stress upon all the rest of it:  Flying twice as much for less pay (since the paycut), doing Century21 on all the days off, not to mention Doris' retirement & being home everyminute of the day forthe past 6 months...oye!  No more sleep...ever!  Except NOW Ive come down wth shingles & all but pass out constantly from the flu symptoms of it...  So NOW I must sleep. Finally.  Sleeping again during the day.  Sad. My body had to go to THIS hideous extreme just to tell me to slow down & rest more.  sigh.  I am going to see if I can transfer the letter that I came down with Shingles that I wrote to some email friends to expalin why I havent been writing as much.  Maybe te next entry.  Right now I need a nap!

The aging process

Life is supposed to be an adventure...and I guess it was.

Looking back I remember more excitement in my youth, even tho' I was a lot more miserable in those days...

Perhaps it was because I had more hope of/for the thrill of exhileration, more curiosity of my life unfolding before me. 

Today I am tired.  Exhausted.  Have I already worn myself out? I seem to be more content with the thought of a nap!  Ecstasy to me is early to bed, laying next to my beautiful Doris in a comfortable TeeShirt, watching TV, laughing & just chilling!  There is just nowhere Id rather be...(unless it is camping in the lush, green Pocono Mts in the trees along the Delaware Water Gap under the milkyway next to a crackeling fire...fabulous weekends from years ago that came to an abrupt halt after coming face to face with Arian Supremists in the campsite next to ours...)  Much safer in the haven of our own kingsize beddybye, alone just the two of us...  All I need is my Doris & Im a happy woman!  .....and....Well, television is good...  we both love TV!

God Thank You for the gift of Doris in my life for 23yrs now!  Thank you for our home, for jobs to afford our house, food, heat, our cars, TV, thankYou for good health & everything You've given us & for the Blessings of Your Grace. 

Aging is not easy, but thank God, Goddess, Universe I've made it this far !