Christmas 2011

We are still somewhat in 'Holiday Mode' over here, taking it slow & easy one day at a time. The best Xmas present was having Doris home from the hospital where she had been for 5 days with another bladder infection that had given her 106 fever, chills & rendered her impossible to move down the stairs to the bathroom.

I thought she was having a stroke the 1st night as she just didn't seem to understand what I was saying to her when trying to get her down the stairs - it took me 2 hrs, & she had the runs & throw-ups. She couldn't even hold her own barf bag & refused to go to the emergency room that night, she was just belligerent & wanted to stay home.

The next day she wasn't any better & agreed to go to the walk-in clinic, where they immediately put her in an ambulance & took her to the hospital. Her uti had gone into ECOLI & poisoned her entire blood stream, she was in SEPSIS. It was scary.

I also got sick about the 4th day - from exhaustion trying to take care of her...& went home early with throwing up & the runs, myself. Luckily that just turned out to be a 24hr virus, probably also from hospital cooties.

Then suddenly she was released! Then we were both home weak & trying to recuperate... however poor DORIS really had gone thru hell so I felt lame even complaining about feeling like shit.

Once home, neither one of us had the energy to clean the house for Christmas holiday guests, ie her kids & grandkids. I did rally enough to put up a beautiful tree for her & may I say that takes a ton of energy.

And one more thing... I was pissed as hell at her youngest lame-ass lazy son because he had stayed at her sister Barbara's apt after last xmas, for maybe 4 or 5 months, which was SO kind of her sister to get him out of our house. Well, he took (stole) some of her jewelry from a drawer & PAWNED it for money. Then finally left town to go back to Detroit, telling his mother (my Doris) that Barbara wanted him out of the apt because he had brought a girl there & she didn't like it. He is just SO FULL OF SHIT. I am sick of him.

It upset Doris SO much once she found out & thus her resistance was totally lowered from the stress of it all. And that is one big reason she got so sick & her body rebelled on her... She was REALLY furious & hurt & said she was going to give Herman a piece of her mind... BUT SHE NEVER DID. In fact, she never has thru these past 30 years I've known her. He's her baby & the beloved brother of Sharon & Derrick (her other two children - all around 50 yrs old.) She just accepts him (& them) with unconditional love, life goes on, & he keeps fucking up.

Well I had felt pushed to the max trying to take care of Doris & worrying about whether she was going to die from the sepsis. So when Herman called I just started yelling at him about pawning off Barbara's jewelry when she had done so much to help him, & how it affected his mother & made her sick... He got defensive, said he didn't make her sick & started talking about how he did it because he was hungry & needed money for food, (BULLSHIT) & he had meant to get the jewelry back, but he'd left too soon, & that Derrick shouldn't have told anybody about it, because it was nobody's business... Sickening.

I said "Listen, Number One: NEVER ask your mother for money EVER again." He said I don't need her money, I have my own. I said "GREAT then you can send her the $100 you borrowed last year & Never paid back as you promised, she can use it. And number two: Your mother will really be happy to see you again, & I shall be happy to see you again, BUT YOU ARE NOT INVITED TO STAY HERE THIS YEAR."

A silent pause ensued... & he started hitting all the phone keys saying he had to get off the phone (he always borrows his friends phones to call...) I gave the phone to Doris so she could say hi to him & he got off right away afterward.

After 30 years I finally told the little stankass,fuckoff lier OFF, I had overstepped my bounds - but if Doris had ever stood up to his lame behavior I would have never felt the need to.

Well, Doris was SO upset & said I should have never done that. Sharon the sister didn't even bother to call on Xmas day - doing her brother solidarity thing I guess... but it was weird because she had called D everyday in the hospital, cried please don't die on me, sent beautiful flowers, & also wired her $100 to help her pay for meds. She had been wonderful. Then didn't call her mom on xmas. Guess she was mad we didn't have Xmas here at home like we did last year, not to mention her younger brother wasn't invited to stay here if we had.

Instead, we all had been invited to go to Cousin Etta's for Christmas (her husband of 60yrs had died & she was lonely.) This was great for Doris & I since we had no energy to clean the damn house. And also Etta was looking fwd to seeing Sharon, but Sharon never called to say she wasn't coming.

I'm SO glad I never had children. I swear, I would have beat the little bastards if they had acted like imbeciles. I have been grinning & bearing so much insanity from D's children for decades now. They never liked me anyway, so now they are going to understand & see just how much I will not be putting up with anymore.

Anyway, MY Christmas was wonderful! I had Doris home, we went to Etta's & had delicious food, I didn't have to deal with that fucker Herman, & we had our whole house to ourselves once we got home.

Cousin Etta was happy too.
All the rest of them were depressed.
Oh, well.

"Tis the Damn Season Again

'Tis the damn season again.

Got thru Thanksgiving
with just 5 of us
dining at the Airport Marriott.
Phew!
It was perfect.

D had been very sick
with a bladder infection
so she didn't cook &
the whole crew didn't come over...
So I didn't have to hustle & clean.

Daughter drove in &
paid for Mother's dinner.
Very nice!

The daughter hurt my feelings
talking about how she wants to give D
a RUST livingroom couch combo
because pink/mauve
is out of style in the 2011's.

I HATE RUST,
orange is not what i would want.
However this is for "Mommy."

Whatever...
Our hunter green velvet couch
on our pink carpet
is 17rs old & worn now.
I should be grateful
for anything new.
But rust???
ugh.
Let me just shut up.

Clearly they don't like the livingroom.
Well HELL.
Be grateful we all
could come together here last year...
After D's Sis passed away
We no longer have
Her neice's big, beautiful home
To gather in as we had
For the last decade.

So now Xmas is coming again &
I think the kids & grandkids
all want to come over
& hang with Mom/Grandma.
Not to mention her brother & sister.
We gotta hustle & clean here.
Oh HELL.

Why am I such a damn slob?
I seriously don't KNOW how
to keep up a room,
apt,
a house -
not even my car!
I have never LEARNED
how to clean well.
I just hate it.

And D wants me to put up
the outside lights,
maybe I'll try today.
Deep sigh.
It's a lota work.

Then will come the xmas tree.
Sigh.

I wanna just lay here & hibernate.
Curl up in my bedsheets
& down cover cocoon
and cuddle all the down pillows &
Peacefully drift in & out
of consciousness
'Till this whole charade is over.
Including New Year's Eve.

Life is just so great with the two of us.
We have fun & laugh at so much!
But bring in her family
& she totally changes.
It's been this way for 30 years,
So it certainly won't be different this year.

Oy.
Holidays suck.
.

Octfuckingtober

It snowed in Oct.  
Really stupid.  
Can't stand it.  
Didn't even shovel, 
I'm willing it to just melt away.  
Sure.  

I am grateful to have electricity & TV.  
Many do not.  
Trees have split & fallen in the back yard.  
And everywhere.  
Lines are down.  
Stupid east coast.

I went out of control with halloween candy.  
Milky ways, Hershey Bars.  Chocolate cake.  
It is HEAVEN.  
True fucking heaven.
Can't stop.
Gained 5 lbs in a week.

That was last week.  
Probably 5 more lbs this week.

I am sad & weak.
And FAT for real.
I've never been heavier.
I am grateful Doris hasn't dumped me
For a new slender model.


I was however infuriated with her
when she wouldn't let me adopt
the most beautiful tigress cat.
  
She should have said okay Kath,
 if that's what you want.
If that will make you happy.

But she said NO.
And she meant it.
And of course I considered
getting the cat anyway,
getting 2 cats.  
What would she do then?

Oh she's got heart murmurs
and high blood pressure...
I must NOT upset her!
I am SO PISSED.

We are together 30 years ...
What am I supposed to do?

If I were younger I would dump her 
for someone who loves animals.

But when I WAS younger
she DID get me cats 
and a Dog.

They are now buried out back.
It's been over a year.
I really miss fur
And cuddling with critters.


But she is happier 
without pet hair on furniture & clothes,
no kitty litter in the house,
& not having to walk a dog.


Not to mention 
my having to pay for pet food, 
kitty litter, &
vet bills -


Something I should have paid for more of
If I had the money to take them 
to the Dr more often,
Maybe they would still be alive today.

sigh.


Somebody pass the candybars.
.

200 lbs.

Last fri my babe & I
went to the movie matinee'
as we usually do!

I always like to sit
up on the top row on the aisle
(stadium seating,)
Just feel safer
with no one behind me.
Anyway...

In the middle of the movie
I got up
to go to the restroom...
And KNOCKED my whole
HUGE cup of diet coke
on the floor
when my BIG ASS
passed the damn cup holder.

It made a BIG LOUD crash
& SPLASH
on the floor.

I flopped back in my seat,
MORTIFIED.

Everyone turned around
to see what'd happened.
Shit.

SO embarrasing.

Shouldn't of had the butter popcorn.

Can't remember
when I've ever felt
SO damn fat,
and ashamed.

God, I gotta get a grip
& loose this tonage.
That's all.
.

9/11 X 10

Thank God this day is almost over.
I just can't take much more.
All the videos, pictures, memories,
Jesus Christ!

It's like every year we all get a giant scab
pulled off our wounds &
the post traumatic puss
comes oozing out.
Everywhere.

Our hearts get too heavy,
Our heads want to explode.

Altho' everything is changed -
Nothing has changed,
There are still terrorist threats today.

We go on thru life
Striving to be courageous
and strong,
trying to balance between
Fear & denial.

So this year
on the 10th anniversary
of hell as we know it
The media has shown
the reports
Of telling the powers that be
To SHOOT down all flights
during successful hi-jackings.

Yep
We knew about this
But the civilians didn't.

Welcome to our world.

Labor Day Sept 6, 2011

It's already Labor Day,
Are You EFfing KIDDING me??
Seems like leaves started falling
the minute September came.
Of course this was right after
we had an earth quake here in Jersey
(Say WHAT?)
shortly followed by Hurricane Irene.

The basement started flooding,
Doris FREAKED
(well it WAS serious)
God gave her strength
to pull the wall apart
& restart the sump pump
in the sub basement,
but then the rain was pouring SO much
that the slop sink -
the sump pumps empty into -
started overflowing,
the floor was going
up to 4-5 inches deep.

(there are TWO sump pumps
& one regular small pump for under the steps)

We were bailing water &
Doris was so awesome!
Somehow God gave me the strength
to stay by her side
& help as much as possible.

I am a weakling
now that I am SO fat.
Feet, Knees, Hip, Back.
I am deteriorating
like a termite infested
house of decay.

The creek overflowed
to a 5 ft lake in the back yard,
& the street in front was also
flooding like a whitewater race.

But it all finally was over!
Thank you GOD!

The basement carpet is squishy,
but compared to SO many folks who lost everything
in this damn storm we got off light.

Now there's no more summer.
This is ALWAYS so sad to me.

Gotta count my blessings.
It's actually very pleasant outside.

Today we're going to cousin Etta's.
Her husband of 60 yrs just passed.
He was 89 so we shall help try
to keep her mind off of her very sad loss.

Life does go on for us lucky ones,
in spite of all the trials
& tribulations...

In this life,
or even the next...
.

Say WHAT???

OMG One more week of AUGUST.
One more week of SUMMER, virtually.
Fuck shit piss.
This summer once again FLEW by.

Why?
Lots of rain,
So it was harder to enjoy the outdoors.

Finally have made it to the shore
4 times.
Nature's valium...
Love the beach SO much,
even tho' we saw a flasher -
I yelled P E R V E R T !..
As we left.

Doris said
How did you know his name is HERBERT?
God that was funny.
We are definately older -

Can't hear for shit
Even when yelling...
.

Club EWR going away party for Mary Pat, which I spoke about in the entry below this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v​=ox4NPTqXj3E&feature=share

www.youtube.com

Summer Just Started & it's half over already...

Good Lord. It's half way thru summer, haven't even been in the above ground pool that often yet. It has rained a lot, altho' it has finally gotten steamy hot around town.

Problem is my Doris. Poor baby went in for a check up & ekg. came out with the whole complex panicing over ATRIAL FIBRILLATION showing up on her cardiac squiggles. They threw her in the URGENT CARE walk-in clinic there, took chest xrays, tons of blood, & hours later put her on Coumidin.

Henceforth we have been to the Dr's 3 times a week for the 4 weeks of June. She went to a cardiologist, had a stress test, an echo cardiogram (where I nearly cried just seeing her heart beating - the heart I love so much,) swallowed iodine & radioactivity for an endocrinologist to check out her thyroid, & has gone twice a week to the coumidin clinic trying to get that med regulated.

Sigh. I think everything will be okay. But it just is a reminder that we ain't gettin' any younger, D is 75. I can't stand the thought of her dying. Or me either for that matter. We just aren't ready to leave this life. I don't know WHAT I'd do without her, or how I'd even be able to go on. She would do much better going on without me than I would without her. It's just the way it is.

Her sister just passed away one night. That's how death comes, like a thief in the night.

Since I'd like to live a bit longer, it would behove me to get a grip on my ever-expanding girth. My GOD, I can NOT stop eating cake with icing & all the bbq from summer parties & butter popcorn at all the movies. I am back up to 194. Motherfucking fucker.

Just went to a Club EWR summer party & look mammoth in the photos. I miss all my Flight Attendants. They are so sweet & FUNNY & they actually miss me too. I was embarrassed at how fat I looked, I'm sure it will go all over the system - 'OMG - Kathy has gained SO much weight since she retired....' Funny thing is tho', they always give me so much respect & act so glad to see me. FA's are always So sweet! To me at least.
.

Goodbye Party for MaryPat

Passengers From the Past!

After retirement I just can not remember all the celebrities I've served onboard. Here are some of them...

Adrian Pasdar

Adrienne Barbeau

Aida Tuturo

Alan Arkin

Alan Thicke

Alicia Silverstone

Alissa Milano

Alyson Hannigan

Alfre' Woodward

Andie McDowell

Andy Richter

Annabeth Gish

Annie Potts

Ann Coulter

Amber Tiffany Thiesen

Amy Madigan

Artie Lang

Attallah Shabazz

Babara Bush

Babyface

Barry Newman

BB King

Bea Arthur

Bella Abzug

Ben Vereen

Bernadette Peters

Betty Friedan

Bill Cosby

Bill Hadar

Billy Davis

Billy Preston

Bill Murray

BJ Thomas

Bobby Brown

Bobby Jones

Bo Derrick

Boy George O'Dowd

Brandy Roderick

Brian McKnight

Brittany Murphy

Broderick Crawford

Brynn Thayer

Buck Owens

Burt Bacharach

Candice Bergen

Carl Lewis

Carmen Electra

Carmine Gianovazono

Carol Kane

Chaka Khan

Char

Chad Lowe

Chandra Wilson

Charlotte Rae

Chaz Bono

Cheryl Tiegs

Chris Rock

Chris O'Donnell

Christy Turlington

Connie Selleca

Dale Evans

David Brenner

David Brown

David Caradine

Deborah Harry

Delta Burke

Dee Wallace

Dennis Farina

Diahnn Carrol

Dion

Dionne Warwick

Dixie Carter

Donna Summer

Dottie West

Drew Carey

Dr Christiane Northrup

Dr Joyce Brothers

Eartha Kitt

Edie Falco

Emilou Harris

Emily Proctor

Eric Estrada

Eva LaRue

Evan Handle

Eve

Faith Evans

Faye Dunaway

Florence Henderson

Frankie Valli

Frank Sinatra Jr

50 Cents

Gail King

Garrett Morris

George Wendt

Gina Gershon

Gena Lee Nolan

George Jones

Gerald McRainey

Geraldo Rivera

Gloria Steinam

Gloria Reuben

Golden Brooks

Gwen Verdon

Harry Belafonte

Harry Hamlin

Hayden Panitierre

Helen Gurley Brown

Holly Hunter

Ice T

Jack Benny

Jackie Mason

Jacob Dillon

Jamie Lynn Siegler

James Baldwin

James Olmos

Jane Krakowski

Jane Meadows

Jason Patric

Jennifer Lewis

Jennifer O'Neil

Jerry Lewis

Jean Smart

Jessie Jackson

Jessie James

Johnny Cochran

Jill Larsen

Jill Scott

Jim Belushi

Jimmy Fallon

Joan Collins

Joan Rivers

JoAnna Kerns

John Cusack

John Derrick

John Forgerty

John Shuck (mcmillon/wife)

John Tesh

John Edwards psycic

Jolie Fisher

Jolie Gabor

Jon Bon Jovi

Jon Lovitz

Joyce DeWitt

Judge Christina Milian

Julia Childs

Julie Wilson

Justine Simmons

Kate Winslet

Kathy Kinney

KD Lang

Karl Malden

Kelly McGillis

Kelly Rowland

Kristen Bell

Kristy Turlington

Laurence Fishburn

Lee Meriwether

Liev Schriber

Little Kim

Loretta Divine

Loretta Switt

Louise Mandrell

Lou Rawls

Lynn Sherr

MacKenzie Phillips

Mandy Moore

Mathew St Patrick

Marissa Tomei'

Marlee Matlin

Marilyn McCoo

Martin Mull

Marcia Gay Harden

Mary Higgins Clarke

Mathew Knowles

Mariel Hemmingway

Marishka Hargity

Marlo Thomas

Mark Stienes

Mary Gross

Mathew Cowell (baranski husband)

Mellisa Joan Hart

Merideth MacRae

Meryl Streep

Michael Douglas

Michael McDonald (commedian)

Michael Nouri

Michael Strahan

Michelle Lee

Mickey Hargity

Mickey Rooney

Missy Elliott

Mitzie Gaynor

Molly Ringwald

Molly Simms

Montel Williams

Morgan Freeman

Morganna King

Mr Rodgers

Neil Patrick Harris

Nicole Murphy

Nina Simone

Ossie Davis

Pam Dawber

Parker Posey

Pat Boone

Pat Paulsen

Patti LaBelle

Paula Prentiss

Paul Mooney

Paul Reiser

Peggy Fleming

Peri Gilpin

Peter Bergman

Pee Wee Herman (Paul Reubens)

Polly Draper (Michael Wolff)

Queen Latifa (Dana Owens)

Rachel Ticotin

Ralph Nader

Ray Charles

Rev Run

Richard Benjamin

Richard Lewis

Ricky Nelson

Robert Redford

Ron Silver

Rosanne Cash

Rosie O'Donnell

Ruby Dee

Sam Waterson

Sandra Bernhardt

Sandra Bullock

Sandy Duncan

Sarah Michele Geller

Savion Glover

Scarlet Johansen

Sean Astin

Scott Hamilton

Scott Wolff

Smokey Robinson

Stephanie Powers

Steve Guttenberg

Susan Lucci

Sylvia Browne

Tamara Tuni

Tanya Tucker

Tate Donavan

Tom Arnold

Tom Brokaw

Tony Bennett

Tony Dorsett

Tony Orlando

Tony Randall

Tony Shaloub

Tyson Beckford

Van Johnson

Vickie Lawrence

Victoria Beckham

Victoria Jackson

Vincent Irizarry

Virginia Maddsen

Vonetta McKee

Walter Mathaeu

Wanda Sykes

Wendy O. Williams

Wesley Snipes

Whitney Houston

William Hurt

Willie Garson

Will Farrell

Wycliff Jean

Wynonna Judd

Damn, I'm 64!!!

May 24th is my favorite day!
Because we were adopted,
my Mother always made sure
that my brother's & MY birthday
was the most special day of the year!

Gotta give to to her,
she went all out each time,
& really made us happy on these days!

His is June 12th,
And we never fail to call each other
& reminisce on Mother's gigantic efforts -
while subconsciously
carrying on the tradition
of showing the other we choose us!

Anyway,
Tue May 24th I turned 64!

I felt excited & happy!
Not everybody GETS to be 64, you know?!

I didn't chide myself
for becoming old, fat & dumpy...

I can walk,
talk,
feed myself (uh- OBVIOUSLY,)
think in my right mind,
(usually...)

Heck - I am glorious!

Doris had a big butterfly balloon,
& 3 smaller balloons for me!
(love them!)
- 3 wonderful cards,
& beautiful flowers!
Went out for a quiet dinner
@ The Olive Garden,
then home
for the finale of Dancing With the Stars!

I felt HAPPY
& at peace all day.

What Me Worry?
We are BLESSED.

Retirement makes us giddy
& birthdays are now
just another wonderful day
to remind us how lucky we are
to have our lives together!

Another time
I shall write about feeling disgruntled
about the bitch of aging (un)gracefully.
But mercifully not tonight!
.

The Last day of April

Finally!
It's (a bit) warmer,
grass is green,
flowers are poppin',
trees are getting their leaves.
Alleluia & thankya Jesus!!!

It is looking like spring,
altho' it still rains constantly
and gets cold enough for sweatshirts & jackets.

I really don't think there will BE
a spring this year,
one day we'll just wake up
& it will be blisteringly HOT.

This was the WORST winter ever.
It sucked.

God how I wish I lived in LA again.
But then, that was back in '68
when it was truly beautiful
& seemingly glamorous!

I was SO lucky to experience
a slice of life there then!
Still a virgin, tucked into a cocoon
of my parental family gorgeous home
up in the hills of Santa Ana/Tustin
in Orange County!

Beautiful eucalyptus & palm trees,
a small, graceful swimming pool in the back yard
& a fabulous view of El Toro AFB, with
trees & a distant lake
with sparkling lights
miles off the back yard's cliff's vista!
Ahhh those were the days,
if only I had know it.

Joni Mitchell was right,
"You just NEVER know what you got till it's gone."
No matter where I lived it's been like that,
and satisfaction eluded me...
all I ever wanted to do was
LEAVE & go to the next "mecca."

Except maybe for NYC!!!!
Turned native
the first minute
I stepped out on the streets
& KNEW
that was where I belonged!!
Yes, Bright Lights Big City,
being anonymous
in the thundering crowds,
Totally seductive!!!

GOD it was exciting,
a smorgasbord of thrills & experiences,
new friends,
new flying job,
new adult life,
sex drugs & discos!

And there I stayed for 27 years
where I fell in & out of love,
got my heart broken 4 or more times,
lost count...
became a pot & cocaine addict,
came out,
got sober &
grew up.

The energy there was ELECTRIC
& I LOVED it.

But when my tiny studio apt rent
went up to $1000/mo
I finally relented,
went house shopping with my dear Lover
& moved to NJ 17 years ago.

So here I sit,
now retired from a hard working job,
and joyful I'm still alive to tell the tale!

Life is really wonderful
so shouldn't I be satisfied
and just "bloom where I am planted?"

It's just those Damn WINTERS.
What can I tell ya?
.

I Am a Gut Butt

Worked out hard at the gym today.
Elliptical 30 min
Machines 20 min
100 sit ups
21 laps in the pool.

Damn all those pancakes I gobbled down for TWO effin' days.
I have gain 2 more lbs. So I gotta try to WORK it off before weigh-in @ ww on wed.
I love pancakes & maple syrup.
I am such a FUCKING food addict.

I gotta get recommitted & strict.
Damn Damn Damn.

I'm a FOOL for Retirement!!!

Apr 1st was my one year retirement anniversary!
April Fools day - I was a fool for not leaving @ 60
& trying to wait for social security @ 65
Hence having to basically "quit"
Because I had become injured,
Couldn't walk with heel spurs
& major hip pain.

Yep Yep got old before my time...
creak creak.

I was deliriously ecstatic last year
When MY time finally came
To STOP:

The madness

The STRESS

The insanely physical (over)work

Turbulence

Terrorism alerts

Cleaning vomit
& other bodily fluids

Defibulators & oxygen

MMR CCC

The sleepless nights -
Worrying about next day sign-ins

Less pay for harder days

Divas & Dumbasses

Wake-up calls 3hrs earlier just to have
Time to load on the (kabuki)make-up & War paint
To try to hide
My Drooping
Aging
Face

Charging 900 mph up & down the aisles
Day in & day out

Kissing Ass(es)

Pleasing Psgrs

And pilots

And other FA's

And working with other not as professional FA's
(ie lazy buttholes who didn't want to work)

Having to leave home

Missing Doris

and Most of all
Not being appreciated
While fearing getting fired.

42 years of all that-
Truly amazing.
No wonder I was such a bitch!

And now that I've chilled.......
Life is Sweet!
And so is SLEEP!!!

Peace be mine.

Freedom!
Thy name is delirium.
...So wonderful.
SO blessed.

New Glasses!

New glasses.... whatever...
Always gotta get used to them.
Would never want to be 20 again...
But sure would like
To LOOK how I did then!

Would actually love to look 30 or 40, even!
The 50's and getting used to the 'PAUSE'
Totally took it out of me.

Now I have to try settling into the
More mature me in my 60's.
Love the 60's,
But looking like this ain't so easy
For one who used to always look fabulous...

I think it is harder on D
Since she has to actually see me everyday
As the mature version
Of the glamorous Babe
She fell in love with.
She is still keeping up her gorgeousness-
Makeup, divine clothes & shoes,
Still with the flare of a moviestar!

Me...
Since retiring I have let go -
No makeup,
Sweats & jeans,
Huge teeshirts &
Running shoes I SIT around in, haha.
To me it is True freedom!

But let's face it -
I look like shit.
Really OLD.
Older than I feel -
And I do feel old.
I've gotten frumpy.

Okay then SO...
I have rejoined Curves
So I shall start moving more -
Even if only for those 30 minutes a day.
I am amazed at
how much better I feel &
how much more stamina I have now!
Pretty exciting.
Even tho I HATE going.

Would rather just not move
Lay around
Watch TV
And sleep.
I AM still tired after all.

Well YOU try & fly overtime every month
For 42 fucking years
And just see if YOU
Don't have terminal jet lag.

I have only been able
To get myself to the gym
To work out once a week.
So adding Curves
Back to the equation seems
To be helping!

Hope to stop yoyo-ing
With my damn weight.
Need to loose 50 lbs &
Maybe my gross jowls will go down.

Aiming for dropping 15 lbs by summer.
At least I'm on a better path now.
.

I'm Sad.

This will be boring, I am writing it down just to get it out.

D & I just went to Sis' house (her beloved sister who passed away about a month ago) to pick up some clothes. Her husband didn't want me to come in saying he wanted FAMILY only.

okaaaaay.... (wtf?) (we've been together for 29yrs but whatever.)

So I'm on the front steps & can HEAR him SCREAMING at the top of his lungs inside, ranting & raving about ME... huh????
He had heard I had come into some money & had said "don't tell Sis" & somebody told her & that had hurt her feelings SO bad. He was FURIOUS I had hurt his wife. (Like his decades of fucking around with his mistress didn't break her heart.)

Say WHAT?? When did I ever come into any money???
And WHY would I even say something like that if I did?
Sis had always been generous to me, as was her daughter & husband. Buying me dinners & having me over for holiday dinners. Each xmas I put together 10 huge picture albums for each family members that cost Thousands of $$$ to show my appreciation. It chronicled all the kids & grandkids growing up & is something they shall have for decades to come when everyone is old & gray. Also I did often pay for sis' dinners when she went out to eat with Doris & I.

So I was in shock to hear this & asked D what the hell he said - I has gone to sit in the car cause it was cold - she replied she didnt know, she just sat there on the couch staring at him until he cooled down & that he is crazy. (He DOES blather on these days.)

I wracked my mind trying to remember what or when I could have said or done this. Sis had been cold to me for quite a few years now, but I had ThOUGHT it was because I never told her that her husband had been having an affair. It had hurt MY feelings that we no longer seemed close. But I just blew it off because what could I do.

Finally I called an 80yr old cousin that was close to sis & D & asked if sis had ever said this to her?

SHE SAID YES, that Sis had told her & that it had really hurt her feelings. Say WHA????? Now I was REALLY baffled because I have NO memory or CLUE of this, Plus NOW I felt really bad I had done something to hurt Sis. FUCK. Why hadn't SOMEone said something so it could have all been cleared up &/or I could have apologized??

So now I'm trying to figure it out. Like MAYBE I had gotten a tax refund & joked to D 'don't tell Sis' (but WHY would I have done that?) & then Doris told her what I said. That's ALL I can think of.

You see Sis was D's big confidant. And Doris must have bitched to Sis about EVERYTHING that bugged her about me. Which is plenty. And D was PROUD to have taken Sis out to eat so often (her husband had CUT HER OFF after Sis had gone out & spent ALL his money (Thousands & thousands) - everything in his savings - she was so pissed about his "whore" on the side.) He even didn't get her another car when her Lexus lease was up so D had to take her everywhere.

So I think Doris did it, - even tho' she is acting like she has no idea and what the hell is going on here. I am SO furious AND hurt that she felt a need to say something like this to make herself seem to Sis that D is the only one who cared SO much about sis that she would spend all her money taking care of her.

No wonder Sis was so cold to me in the end.

Well I want to explode & scream at D, BUT she has bad blood pressure & is already so depressed, down & out the Sis is DEAD. She has nobody to bitch to anymore. And I do know she loved & treasured her SO dearly. Probably more than me if I want to be real about it. She is having a HARD time dealing with the lonliness of not having her favorite sister.

So I shall just have to swallow the disappointment & feelings of betrayal. In the end I suppose it's not that important.
In fact it seems so stupid.

I always am over-complaining about being broke & not having enough money. D & Sis thought I was always being petty & ridiculous to talk about it so much & also tell everybody. Yet & STILL they are the money fuck-ups & MONEY has always meant the MOST to them. And I feel pretty sure that Doris would not be with me & put up with all my shit if I weren't able to pay for so much & spend money on HER. I HAVE always tried to take good care of her & make no mistake about it Doris IS expensive.

So anyway. What the fuck ever. That is where I am today. Guess we'll all get over this sooner or later. Guess I'll try for sooner.

Where is my antidepressant?
.

Bathtub Stress

Got a new whirlpool tub to replace the new CRACKED tub.
It is VERY nice, altho' it was a definate nightmare redoing it all.
Phew! So GLAD it is over now. I truly HATE having men in the house. Hate it.

Gained another 2.8 lbs from the hibernating with all the blizzards & snow. That about brings it up to 10lbs. I am a jerk. The sad thing is I really LOVE just laying around watching tv all day & , oh yeah - EATING cake, cookies, PANcakes & other crap. What the HELL am I going to do with myself? It is SUCH a struggle to get my fat ass back on track, let alone to the gym.

I can hear Doris' dead sister hollering down - You're Next!
Not kidding, I really heard that.

Bought new red glasses today, they'll be ready in 10 days.

Then got my teeth whitened. They don't look that much whiter, so I plan on going back. My face is fat now so maybe I can take the focus off my chipmunk cheeks & blind folks with my choppers.
HAH!

Winter is Boring

Another month has passed without writing, so much has happened that i can't even recall so I'll try free-association...

Doris' favorite Sister passed away in her sleep, it was a terrible shock for everyone. Doris is devastated, they went everywhere together & were like 2 peas in a pod. She can barely handle it, I feel so bad for her. As for me - I'm grateful it wasn't D.

Doris' younger son is still in town & Doris runs to save him when he can't pay for his blood pressure meds, doesn't have any food (since he DOESN'T work,) etc. He is living rent -free in her other sister's apartment. Women ALWAYS run to this man's (& I use the term loosely) rescue. It still disgusts me. D adores him. I adore D. I am stuck with her fucked-up kid & her fucked-up behavior around him... And she actually doesn't get why he makes me sick. I try to ignore it all - doesn't look like it's gona change. ever.
fuck me.

I've been binging on cake, candy & cookies since D's 75th bday last month & have gained 8 lbs back. damn. Also it's the whole hibernation thing - staying in all winter from ALL the snow storms. Just eating too much & making bad choices. I have GOT to get a fucking grip on food again because it already took so long to loose that fucking 8 lbs & now I have to do it all over again before it gets worse.

I hate winter.
I get fat & boring.

1/11/11

Awoke this morning to cold air blowing out of the damn furnace.
O>M>G!!!!! FREEZING!

This with another snow storm falling sometime tonight.
Panic Panic Panic!!!!

What to do? What to do?
Had immediate diarrhea (sorry - this happens whenever I freak.)

So my beloved Doris went down to the basement.
Turned off the furnace switch.
Waited 10 minutes.
Turned the furnace switch back ON and
T H A N K Y O U J E S U S !!!!!!
The FIRE lit up & the blower came back on!!!
She's such a genius!

WE HAVE HEAT!!!!!!!

phew!

Alleluia to God Goddess Universe!!!

So this just reminds me how much I am grateful for
And the 'little' things I so often take for granted,
Even tho I pray & give thanks each day!

Thank You God for everything You have given me!

63 years of LIFE!

Heat

Food

House

Car

Health

Electricity

TV

Past Pets

Parents who adopted me

My doofus brother :)

My best friend TINA growing up to share misery with

Retiring from a good job without getting fired first after 42 years!

Retirement checks

Social Security

WW

Great shrinks in the past that healed me

antidepressants

AA, DA, SIA, CA, OA, all the anonymous meetings that helped me get real & live clean & sober

30 yrs clean & dry

So Many Wonderful Flight Attendants I worked with

My Mac laptop

Fb

Blogs

Email

Laughter

And most of all
Doris and her Love!
usually - ha!

Thank you Thank you Thank you
God Goddess Universe Thank YOU!
I Am So Blessed.

1/1/11

Just re-read last new year's resolutions, which was to loose weight. And to clean my room.

Well I did loose 25 lbs. Gee-that's not so much. But it is DEFinately better than nothing. So if I can get 25 more off this year, I'll be closer to 'normal.' At least I don't look as obese as last year! Thank you Jesus!

And I am better at cleaning the house this year, BUT my closet room has never looked worse.

However it's because I threw a bunch of stuff in there from the bathroom when we were having it 'renovated'... & I use THAT term loosely... then about 50 folded tee shirts fell off a top shelf onto my desk chair & I've just left them there. So what, that's my feeling... bfd. BUT now I'll have to tackle all that this year. Doris is still calling me a hoarder. So I have started calling her one too. Very grown up. She has a lot of clothes too... She's just more organized with them all. So There, ha!

The big tub we put in the bathroom has a foot long crack in the side from which water cascades all over the fucking basement. Just great.
No more long soaking baths.
Back to the whirlpool a the gym.
Until I figure out what to do.-
Looking for the receipt from Home Depot.

I am trying to quit diet coke. Had 1 the other night & it kept me up till dawn. I need to drink more H2o. Stopping diet coke for 2 weeks I only lost .4 lbs sheesh. I miss it & thought it was keeping me from drinking more water & loosing more weight.

Just got over a cold from thanksgiving & NOW I am coming down with another one after Xmas. Both colds I got from one of the grandkids coming to the house to 'celebrate' deathly sick with horrible colds. (read double pneumonia) I hope this one doesn't go into a flu, cause that's what happened to the infected kids last week.

Seriously. Big pet peeve: If you are sick & have a BAD cold would you PLEASE stay home & not infect us all??? No matter WHO you are. It's so fucking wrong.

Other than that, Thanksgiving & Christmas were great with all of D's kids & grandkids coming over both days. Sweetface was so happy with them all here & I am kinda liking not having to drive 2 hrs coming & going to cousin Michelle's for the holidays. We just waited here for them to arrive, then climbed up to bed once they left!! It really was great.

Do I need to say it again; Retirement is FABULOUS!?! So good.

Doris & I are getting along swell this year. Thank you Jesus!

I am trying to be cool & genuine about accepting the younger son for who he is. Even tho' he is still not living up to what I think could be his full potential, but that's just my judgment, which has nothing to do with reality...

Even tho' his reality to me is disappointing, I am trying to let go of my condescending thougths of him not to mention any disgust.
Even when he was picked up on an OLD bench warrant for child support from Dtw 2 weeks ago & thrown in jail for 4 days.

Tho' I wasn't going to post bail for him, I was glad when he did get out the day before Xmas - without having to pay Anything - ! Seems he always amazingly gets by somehow so why do I even worry or fret? And I was relieved because my Poopsie was relieved & happy he wouldn't spend Christmas in the pokie & would be here with the rest of the fam.

So not easy to feel loving towards him when he gets so many women to do any & everything for him. (Which includes his mother, Aunt Barbara & sister Sharon... not to mention any other female who looks in his direction.) Which is weird since he's lost half his teeth. Straight women are just SO desperate.

Oh & get this: he told me he is going home & getting back on welfare so he can get his teeth fixed for free. (smh.) sigh.
I really need to go to a dentist but have no coverage in retirement. And this, & every other lazybutt, can get free dental work AND teeth replaced on welfare. It's the first time I've ever thought about going Republican.

Now that would be shocking.

Happy New Year to us all!