Saying Godbye To BooBoo

My sweet little BooBoo was put to sleep at 1130 on Mon Dec 13, 2010 when the surgeon operating on her determined cancer in her upper R. jaw was spreading to her eye, which had been closing for weeks.

He kept her under anesthesia so she was already asleep, & we went to the hospital to be with her when they put her down. I called on Roxie & Panther to meet her in heaven, leaned down & said to go to the light BooBoo. We petted her head, stroked her body, told her We Love Her, laid our hands on her soft fur as the final shots were given to send her to peaceful rest without pain. God it was sad.

Our tears pouring, the nurses helped us wrap her in clean towels & we took her home. We dug yet another hole & buried her in the back yard next to her brother & sister Panther & Roxie. Doesn't everyone have a pet cemetery in the back yard?

It all happened so fast. I had just taken her to the vet 2 days before & heard the news - $1500 for surgery she desperately needed. I was in shock as I applied for pet care credit then went home to talk to D about should I do this? To her credit, she didn't hesitate & said Yes. Made the appointment for mon morn. Had her in my arms & on my legs late Sun night, rubbing & smooshing on her, scratching her belly which she always loved. I hugged her, told her I loved her madly & she would feel so much better after her operation tomorrow.

She got no food or water & I know she so hungry & thirsty when I took her in for the consultation with the surgeon before the surgery. When he looked inside her mouth I could tell by his face & the "ooooh!" my heart dropped. He said to me if I get in there & it's too bad it would be kinder to the kitty to put her down then & not bring her out of the anesthesia, would you be okay with that? I said just call me so I can come & be with her in her final moments. I hugged & kissed BooBoo, told her 'I love you' before handing her over, & they walked out the door. I started crying, even tho' I still had hope. I was in such denial.

I was in denial the whole year when her teeth started getting bad & infected. Since I had no money I didn't take her in. I am the worst mother. I could have taken care of this in the beginning, $5oo would have been easier to take than $1500. I would have had my beautiful pussycat maybe another year at least. Maybe even more. I am so regretful & guilty. Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.

I am so grateful for our 17yrs with my wonderful BooBoo. She was So SWEET, such a good little girl. I miss so much snuggling my face in her warm, soft fur as she purred out her contentment. I really loved that.

I'll always love you Boobula. You were my joy. Sleep well in peace, my beautiful little furbaby. I miss you madly.

Miracles Before Xmas!!

Miracles are happening around here in abundance!
I must say, God has amazed me.
No lie.

With all the virulent hate & lust for vengeance I displayed 2 entries ago...
then the plea & desire to change & let go of those issues in my last entry...

It's been like magic. And I have truly beheld miracles this past week.

The #2 son is STILL here. That in itself is just wierd... usually he's gone in 1 day, maybe 2. And normally I would have jumped out the window by now. But we are getting along fine...
or so it seems to me.

He has reconnected with the mother of his children at our Thanksgiving dinner... The woman he'd dumped when the boys were so little, moved to Dtw & married another woman. Then never paid any child support thru the years, totally abandoning them all, neglecting his own beautiful kids for 2 decades.

Well they have decided to move into an apt & get back together! Now never in a million years would I have thought this would happen. God works in mysterious ways. I am in shock.

Also our sewer backed up... shit & piss floating in the basement sinks... It was lovely. The miracle was the plummer I called (the man who did our bathroom/kitchen renovations) came right away & fixed it. Paid $145. It was worth it.

An Old Hurdle To Jump

Hate Resentment Fear...
Not attractive on me
or anyone...
I'm not happy carrying so much pain.

Pain & Disgust.

I have done so well with being positive
Esp since retirement!
So this is like
Falling back into a cesspool of negativity.

Giving my power up
To a force that is so beyond unpleasant.
A Man that is so beyond having a conscious..
Oh hell, there I go judging again...

How do I just leave it all alone &
Live in harmony
with myself,
with my lover,
& with her younger (47) son

God help me!
I immediately think
of so many
names I want to call him...
I gotta figure out how to just give it up.

He's not changing.
He's still here (day 7)
D (& everybody else) LOVES him
How do I forgive the past
(Everybody else has)
And love him too?

I'm the one who has to change.

I'm still feeling the rage
of my last entry.

Please!
Let me just
Give it up.
This is my prayer.

But how?

Thanksgiving 2010

OMG!!! I got thru the big
THANKSGIVING ordeal this year!
Because
It ended up being NOT such an ordeal.
It was great.

This is what happened...
D's niece & sister
decided they felt like crap
& didn't want to do Thanksgiving.
Can't blame 'em for that!
It is hard work.
But still
they had it @ Keaven's (nephew)
However we weren't invited
like always in the past.
Hmmm. Wonder why?
But ANYWAY...

My beloved decided that
since we have a new bathroom
& kitchen renovation
She is no longer embarrassed to invite
ALL her children
& grandchildren to the house!
Okay, I understand.

BUT

This meant forking over a damn bus ticket for her youngest son (uhm, 47yrs - okay)

Who totally neglected his wonderful children for decades,
Sons who are now 21 & 18,
Never even sent child support
Tho' they love him more than anyone.

Who has NEVER once come this way
from Dtw on his own,

Always pleeds broke
to his (dumbass) mother - my beloved,

who even tho' she can't pay all her bills
& creditors call her out the whazoo -

STILL buys that piss-ass fuck-off
a $130 greyhound ticket
so she can SEE the little butthole
she loves so dearly.

"He's MY SON, I need to see he's okay...
I'm just grateful he's not in prison
or a drug addict..."

mmmmkay.

Each year I go thru the resentment

of having this bullshit con-artist,

STANKASS,

barf for brains

Bastard!

Lay all over my couch,

Constantly use the phone,

Eat everything in the house,

Not give his sons who adore to see him
Or his Mother
the time of day...

I fucking can't stand this dipshit douchebag.

But I digress..

Babydoll worked like a damn kitchen slave,
I worked my ass off vacuming & dusting & shining...
Everything was ready on time,
They all came late,
The food was DEVINE,
Everyone was So Happy to be here @ Grandma's house,
(guess I just live here...)
All were EXCITED the above mentioned jackass is here,
Girlfriend was estatic to have all her family around her,
And we were both proud we did it ourselves!

All in all, it was GREAT!
Allbeit
Loud & Chaotic...!

And 2 days later Herman (the looser..)
(Who changed his own name
& now goes by Asmar..)
Okay
She shouldn't have named him Herman
After his father...

(ASS mar) imo...ha!

Is still here
Downstairs
On the couch.

Great.

Says he'll be here
for 2 weeks.

Shoot me now.

Remodeling Life

Seriously...
Renovating the bathroom & kitchen is NOT FUN.

Crap.

Yeah okay, there are no more leaks in either room...
And it does look better.
I put a deeper tub in, thank you Jesus.
And a higher toilet that is 'wheelchair level.'
Ya never know when you'll need one of those...

But here's the thing.
You get what you pay for...
And we went with Lover Girl's Son's Friend, "the plumber."
So he can change sinks & tubs - sorta...

But his tile abilities suck... the grout is still everywhere... plaster & paint in the sinks... Filth tracked in & out out the house & carpet... And some of the tiles are already moving around the window when I put curtains back up. Lord knows how long the rest will last...

AND I still spent a shit load of cash...
All the money I had wanted to buy a new RV with a bigger bed...
But Lover Girl said NOOOO, we have too many problems to fix in the house.

So the fixing has begun.
I don't think it will ever stop - there is just toooo much.
Although we put a good dent into it
and Sweetface is happy.
Me?
I'm happy she's happy.

But what a crap lesson to learn -
to go with a more expensive professional.
It's not like Dorko & his lame cronies didn't try.
They really worked hard.
REALLY hard, huffing & panting...
They just aren't that good at it.
And Don't even KNOW they suck at it.
Pathetically.
Really BAD.
Which is just very sad.

For all of us.

But for my True Love & I -
It is still better than before...
And we shall continue to fix the joint up...
And not be so embarrassed when relatives drop by.
Maybe...
Sooner or later
One day at a time.

How QUICKLY I Forgot

Lost 2.2 lbs @ WW weigh-in today! That brings me to 24 & 1/2 lbs lost -ALmost 25 lbs! since June. I should be lookin' mighty fine by next summer, yay!

It is SUCH a relief to be dropping all this tonnage, LAWD KNOWS I need to - hoping the hip pain & heel spurs will improve again...(seemed to be so much better in the summer @ the beach but NOW it is hurting again.)

Maybe all the rain & the cool fall dampness has brought back the shooting, throbbing, stabbing twinges. Obviously I still need to loose another 25.. & hopefully I shall since I did it before. So then perhaps more relief...

Went to a wonderful luncheon for Flight Attendants that fly out of Newark! Club EWR we are called, I miss them all so much.

I really don't get that close to people in every day life since I have my Doris to focus on...that is a 24/7 commitment!

BUT when I flew for 42yrs I got so attached to the fabulous, crazy, & fun nutcases I worked with thru the decades!

It has left quite an empty hole (& we ALL know what a waste THAT can be!) in my life that I abruptly had to adjust to in April when I retired. Thankfully many of them are on fb so we all keep up with each other.

I have slowed down quite a bit since that hectic flying pace. Being around my sky babes - they zoomed around the room 90 mph visiting with each other, still manic as shit!

By the time I left I was back in that groove & when I got home found myself frantic & unsettled. Took me awhile to come down from the excitement, just as it always took us time to 'decompress' from a trip driving home & entering back into a normal reality.

I had forgotten about all that. Living life in a constant state of high pressure & intensity, always effervescent & on the run!

Shit, no wonder I was so damn exhausted. No wonder I still love & bask in laying in bed all day even now!

I'm glad I don't miss that life - only the people in it.
Flight Attendants are just a different breed of Superwomen & men! It was a great job & I am grateful I was so good at it!

But I am even HAPPIER to be out of it now. Phew!
What a fucking relief.
.

Club EWR F/A Luncheon September 30, 2010

Oct 1, 2010

Holy shit balls, it's October FIRST already.
Lots of RAIN lately.
I miss the sun.
And the beach.
Now I gotta
Straighten up this damn house.
groan~~~~~.

Thought I was gona trade in my old RV
for a newer one with a bigger bed.
But noooOOOOoooo...
It is more prudent to spend the $10,000
on fixing up the little abode that has
fallen down around our ears for 17yrs.

Okay.
I'll try to suck it up
& be a responsible adult before
I die.
Maybe.
Grumbling over here.

Besides,
It's already getting too cold to
Sleep out at the shore
Or the Poconos
Or the driveway... HAHA!
So that WOULD be stupid.
Or at the very least
Not bright.

Other than THAT
Life is still solidly
GREAT!

Got a flu shot today.
But no longer have to be
So paranoid about getting SICK,
Since I DON'T HAVE TO FLY anymore!!!!!!!!!
Oh thankyou God!
.

Phew! Missed the Hurricane!

Life is so great! I do NOT like that the weather is cooler, but what the hell can I do about it? I guess the only reason I love the heat so much is I can immediately cool off in our above ground pool. I feel I always have to qualify that because it isn't a REAL in-ground, fabulous, gorgeous pool. But it is really great & 4 ft deep & big so I love it! Now it would be freezing so POOhie! Gotta wait till next summer rolls around again, & I don't even wanna think about the damn weather coming shortly. Just grateful we missed the last hurricane a few days ago. SHIT, it was bad.
Thank you GOD.

The End of Summer

Been spending weekends at the shore, so loving it! This summer has zoomed by & this is the last day of August 2010.
No No NO!
I don't want summer to end...! I Love it so much I could cry.
All this Halloween & Thanksgiving crap in the stores already. Blaa.

Sleeping in the RV is not easy - that is one small bed.
Girlfriend can easily sack out anywhere, but not me.
I had a 3 inch piece of hard foam made to go down the center of the RV & that was very comfy. Until I woke up freezing my ass off & jumped right back into the bed, scooching up to Sleeping Beauty. Very cozy.

I was hoping to go back this coming Labor Day Weekend, but a damn hurricane is coming, & the weather may be bad. So I scheduled a big tree to be cut down in the front yard that could fall on the neighbor's or my house. I love trees but squirrels & God knows what are able to jump onto the roof from this tree. We have already replaced one roof.

I love summer, dammit.
Really hate to see leaves starting to fall.
I really should live in LA or Fla.
Phooie.
.

WHAT DO I THINK OF FA STEVEN SLATER?

Well I think he threw quite the hissy! Aside from that, I totally understand. We have all wanted to do something outrageous many times before & it is supposed to be up to us to stuff it & carry on professionally. However SOME ...motherfuckers can really push you to the edge! And believe me once you loose it, you really loose it!!! I am SO grateful I never did that.

I have however cussed many passengers OUT!! And that my dear is about the only thing great about becoming OLD... They stop in their tracks & shut the fuck up!!! (They think OMG she's Old & Pissed let me not push her further...)

I suppose the fame he IS drowning in will get old fast; books, commercials, a movie I am sure of it! But believe me MOST FA's are behind him 100%. It's just too bad there wasn't this much noteriety for all the wonderful, excellent, professional FA's that have never lost it or made a "scene."

Well that's about it.
See ya SLATER! aaaahahahahaahaha!!

August Already?????

Click on people's faces in the photo to tag them.

I just can not believe it's August already, let alone Aug 5th. Dang.
Life is just flying by! This always happens faster in the summertime anyway, but I so don't want it to end...

This has been the best summer ever since becoming an adult, becoming a stewardess (it was '68, okay?) & moving to Manhattan NYC for 27yrs, then moving to NJ till now (16yrs)!

Life goes SO fast... although when trudging thru the muck of past boyfriends, then past girlfriends & the basic MIRE of old LOVEs & broken hearts - it had felt at times like wallowing in quick sand & sinking straight into the hell of pain, suffering & depression!

In times of insanity life only seems to screech to a never-ending creep. Throw in working to exhaustion, no matter how much you learn to enjoy your job & love your co-workers, I often felt stuck in cement & tumbling down some fuck-tard rabbit hole where it was hard to ever see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Well Alleluia & thankya Jeeeesus I seem to have made it thru to the other side of craziness - to peace & happiness that lasts longer than time off from trips or from grumbling about my Beloved letting me down by treating me like an adopted step-child when around her immediate family!

Now that I have retired & life is fabulously sweet & slow - it is now just ZOOMing by! Finally there is time to "smell the roses," listen to the birds chirp & fly free, & watch the butterflies float thru summer & actually feel the sun on my skin & the breeze thru the trees! God I'm happy!

And grateful. To have made it this far & want it to go on & on!!!
I wasted a lot of time in my day being a pissy bitch & complaining about everybody else's bullshit. (Yeah they were all dumb, jack-ass idiots, lol!)

Well I learned so what, who cares.
I am taking each day as it comes & basking in delight!
.

Reply to Texas James @ Ourbig Gayborhood on fb

A writer from OURBIG GAYBORHOOD (facebook) wrote in about living in Texas with the Republican Rules which totally suck..
Here is my reply:

I HATE Texas. Grew up there. Did the beauty queen thing, the whole bit. Got kicked out of Stephen F for dancing with a black dude at a student union dance my college jr year in ‘68… They shoulda been glad it was a boy! Luckily my family & I moved to LA that summer & I thought I’d died & gone to heaven!!! California was fabulous back then, Texas – so plain.

Of course whenever I go back to my high school reunions, rent a car & drive around the old neighborhoods I get a deep pang in my heart. It IS home after all… And Texas is cheap, easy to live well there on so much less! If those rich snotbuckets living in their HUGE mansions, driving their fine cars in their designer duds with their designer kids, noses stuck high up in the air EVER tried to live like that in New York or California or Washington or Boston etc, they MIGHT be able to afford a small cape cod with a reasonable last year’s model in the small 1-car garage… seriously.

So when I drive by my old houses, which are beautiful btw, I think what’s the problem?? I could live here & really flourish! I could retire here for pennies! My eyes get misty looking at the big sky, bluebonnets, thick st.augustine green grass we used to run barefoot thru, breathing in the sweet air where life seemed so simple…..

Well SIMPLE is an understatement… Within 3 hours driving around, I am thanking & praising God, Goddess, Universe for getting me OUT of there & delivering me to sanity! To a reality that is NOT republican in majority, narrowminded & biggoted. Bless the Gays, Lesbians & Transexuals still living there, not to mention the hets that Aren’t brainwashed & fight for equal rights for us all! Had I stayed, I would have been thrown in jail or SHOT by now!

I still love my old high school friends I grew up with & truly enjoy getting together. I still have good childhood memories. (okay, bad ones too..) I have big fondness for those who were good to me & helped me grow into the person I have now become. But would I ever move back???
Not anytime soon – if EVER!

Here are the Texas Republican Rules:

Here are a few highlights of the recently released Texas GOP platform from their website. A little “something-something” for those adorable Log Cabin Republicans to chew on (safely of course).

1. We support the definition of marriage as a God-ordained, legal and moral commitment only between a natural man and a natural woman, which is the foundational unit of a healthy society, and we oppose the assault on marriage by judicial activists.
2. We support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such.
3. We oppose the legalization of sodomy. We demand that Congress exercise its authority granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy.
4. We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous communicable diseases.
5. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans.

Pathetic, no?

Contented

Hi y'all.
No matter what,
I still say life is SO GREAT!!
I lost 2.2 more lbs this week @ ww.
I got out of my job without getting fired first!
I have money to pay some bills. phew!
Since 2 back injections, my hip is not as bad & I am walking better.
My heal spurs are not bothering me so much!

I am still just laying around in the morning sleeping & watching Regis, Wendy & the View... then hang downstairs to watch AMC & OLTL. So I am still not exercising. at all. Not smart.

When it was so sweltering hot the past 3 weeks, I spent a lot of time in the above ground pool & believe me it was HEAVEN! Now that it is cooler, the pool water is freezing...yikes!

Doris is grilling a lot & we eat at the big backyard table & watch tv!
That is when we are not dining out.

No excitement, BUT I feel peaceful.
And happy!

My Anniversary Week

Click on people's faces in the photo to tag them.

Lordie, it's hard to find time to write. Too busy doing nothing!

My beautiful Love & I celebrated our 29th anniversary on 7/17!
It's a miracle we've come this far!
Hell it's amazing we made it thru that day.

After a wonderful morning of flowers, balloons, cards & breakfast out, then floating around in our cool pool in the sweltering heat, D's sister called & said her son was having a bbq party & asked us to come. So D's nephew was throwing a neighborhood/high school reunion party & we went around the corner! It was great with tons of food, & many folks showed up.

We were there about 2 hours when I asked D to leave. She gave me the keys to the car & told me to go if I wanted. I said it's our anniversary we're supposed to be together. She said why would she want to go home to our hot house (the air conditioner broke down) with nothing to do when I could be there in the shade with her sister, nephew & niece? I said but you're supposed to want to be with me.
"I was with you all morning, You can leave if you want."

I was so hurt & also embarrased since everyone heard me ask to leave. I sat there for another 45 min then finally walked up to her & her sister & said I'm going now, I have to pee. So we left. I was so pissed. I walked out to the pool & swam & floated around, letting off steam.

30 min later she came out, lit the torches & candles, got in the pool with me under the stars & moonlight. I said now this is what I had in mind for our anniversary. I didnt mention how she is so not romantic today. Or how she always puts her effin' family first (oh fine, but I mean on our anniversary???) (On our 20th anniversary, we had to stop at a funeral home WITH HER SISTER on the way to dinner to look at this dead asshole in a casket she didnt even know because her sister's husband used to work with him in the police force - I was SO annoyed & MAD.)

I didn't mention I thought she was a jackass, & that I should come 1st. Or that she's not the only one with the patience of Jobe (which she says about me since I've retired..) Or that she really pisses me off. Or that I'm about sick of her damn family shit.

I thought about how it's not the 1st time & not the last, & maybe not that important. Seeing that I don't cook, don't really clean much (I'm somewhat of s slob) & have gained weight & gotten fat since I have hip pain... There are more important things to worry about like getting the damn airconditioner fixed, other bills payed, & appreciating the good things in our relationship instead of these fucked-up times. For once I didn't nag her about what a bitch she can be. (Everyone else sees her as SO sweet.) I just enjoyed the rest of the night. Of course there was no sex - forget it honey.

We spent the next half of the week in the pool out back staying cool. God sent a wonderful PSEG man that fixed the airconditioner without having to buy a new one, thank the Lord! Then we went to the shore on thurs, the movies on fri, & last night a gay party down the street.

All in all not a bad week. Guess I'll hang around for another year. Relationships are just not easy.
.

I'm Boring So I Have Nothing To Write About

I have nothing to say anymore. It's kinda sad... Without my job I feel too boring to write... But I am NOT BORED!! Just relaxed & so happy I can hardly contain myself. I don't miss the drama & insanity. And I really don't have much at all to complain about. Even with heel spurs & a gymp hip I am deleriously happy! I wake up everyday & thank God Goddess Universe for bringing me thru my life to this point & for keeping me alive & well! I NOW LOVE MY LIFE.

Since discovering fb, I'm on everyday. I have some friends that can't be bothered with fb, let alone computers. They piss me off, but it's their choice - they now miss my whitty little gems & fun pictures - their loss because that's where I am. It has been SO FUN to stay in touch that way with my Flight Attendants & many Lesbians & Gays as well, not to mention family! It's my thing now, if ya want me I'll be there. If you're too fucking intellectual or lazy to even learn to use/work a computer so we can keep in touch - then kiss my ASS. Go be a dweeb & pick your nose.

I'm finally starting to get a grip again & seriously drop the tonnage I added back on since freaking out over that damn plane landing & evacuation in the Hudson River TWO YEARS AGO. I am starting to write my food down, drinking more water & watching portions again. Doris is cooking healthy meals. Dropped 3.4 lbs last week & I'm on my way back to the path of SANITY!!!

Living on a 'fixed income' now - when paying bills last month, I ran out of money after the 1st 2 weeks ... So now I must learn to budget better... No more picking up trips to make ends meet with overtime... which is how I broke my body down all those years after 911 anyway. Luckily Doris was able to take up the slack & we made it thru. Thank you Jesus.

D & I went to a Lesbian party last night in the neighborhood & enjoyed it. I can't help wondering how so many couples have made so much money.. those must be some really smart women!.. I try not to be envious.

Today was The Gay Pride Parade in NYC.
D picked me up after she sang in church & off we went in the grueling sun to be prideful. It took 3 hrs to find a parking spot, BUT then had window seats dining at Manatus watching everyone fly their freak flag marching by!..... What a motley crew we gays & lesbians are. I seem to remember all the boys so perfectly put together with class when I was young & the dykes looking like Connecticut housewifes with the obligatory short hairdo, kahki slacks, penny loafers & tucked in Izod shirts. Well, not today.
Everyone was a pure-dee MESS! What a riot. Whatever. I no longer look that great anymore either.

So that's about it for June. Very Blaa, I got nothing.
Yet I'm quite content!!!
I am just SO DAMN LUCKY!!! So Lucky, so blessed.
Thank you GOD. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!

I'M 63 TODAY!

Hey I'm 63 today!!!
I am grateful to have made it!!! YAY!!!
This is the best birthday I ever had! Why you may ask??

Because I don't have to go back to work!!!!! EVER!!!!
Yup. The best present in life!!!

Always before I'd have to bid my birthday off (ALWAYS thought it should have been an instant holiday) & then days off around that to try & stay home from flying. But not any more!!!!
OMG It is just too great to be true!!
Life is so damn fabulous!!

My birthday was always a really BIG DEAL each year to me (maybe because I was adopted) but after retirement last month, having a birthday seems like small potatoes. Nothing is as great as retiring! It is MAJOR.

Today Doris had lots of big balloons, beautiful flowers & wonderful cards for me! Then we went to Perkins for spinach, bacon, tomato egg white omlettes & PANCAKES. YUMOLA!!

Okay I have got to seriously start dieting again tomorrow. Yeah, WW says it's not a diet, it's a LIVE IT bla bla bla. I am seriously out of control eating cakes & all kinds of crap. I am way over 200 lbs again. It has gotten to the point that I can't hide it in big 4xxxx tee shirts anymore, the butt & the gutt are taking up new zip codes.

However fuck it. For today. Which is how this has happened in the 1st place.

I am still so HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!
I'm 63 & here to tell the tale!
I love my life.

Thoughts Of being An Old Dyke in answer to Maria on "Our Big Gayborhood"

I love being an Old Dyke. There’s a peaceful SAGE sorta vibe we acquire, (when we’re not attempting to spaz out like we're still 30.) I’m no longer desperate to fuck my brains out so much ( hardly ever frankly) because hot flashes have dried me out like the Sahara & well – I am rather exhausted from life in general. (I was wild & crazy back in the day & believe me it takes a toll!) I lounge around in retirement & Languish in the delight of awakening next to the most gorgeous Woman I chose for myself over 28yrs ago, & who is still Babelishes after all these decades!! I am in awe of my happiness & grateful to have made it this far in the battle of Love & Life & with the lessons I have (or haven’t) learned along the way. It is rather amazing there is still so much more to do & glean, & a relief that I no longer have to accomplish any of it if I don’t want to. There is not much more to prove to myself or anyone else, & I thank God, Goddess, Universe everyday for the honor of basking in the glow of making it to Now!

Club EWR Luncheon 2010 04.wmv

Loving Retirement

The Three Musketeers ~ Defying scurvy cross-country


Well Heavens to Murgatroid!
Who would ever think there is so much to do in retirement?!
Not that it's anything in particular. Just stuff.

There's so much time in the day that I stay in bed forever & languish....

REST! ahhhhhh. So under-rated. So wonderful! So easy & peaceful.

There's time to get the bills written & sent before it's too late & I'm charged for being tardy.

There's time to go to meetings.
And Dr.'s.
And the gym.
And to sit in bed & get on FB for hours.

There's time to eat out-
brunch & then dinner later if we want.
Time to meet old friends for lunch...

Went to a Club EWR (Newark Airport Flight Attendants) luncheon where they surprised me with Retirement balloons, a HUGE congratulations card with a gillion signatures & well wishes (SO COOL!) & a large sheet cake with 'Congratulations Kathy, have a Wonderful Retirement!' It was so sweet & fun. I felt SO happy!

Then a few weeks later met my buddy-bidders of over 3 decades (Pam & Marilyn - 'Parilyn') for brunch in The City with my Honey! They brought retirement balloons & beautiful pink roses! It was WONDERFUL to see them again, I miss them both SO damn much!
We laughed for 3 hrs solid & said can you believe we are all actually retired now ????

They retired 2 yrs before me at 60. I was SO depressed I couldn't afford it & a bit resentful towards D for not paying her bills so I could have retired with them. I finally got on anti-depressants last year, & felt better, less bitter & less pissy.

Anyway, I thought there would be nothing to do once one retires, but I'm shocked to find out there is even more... not that I'm doing much of it... the days seem to run out before I even think about starting to accomplish ANY chore. Not that I'm worried. I feel like I've accomplished enough for awhile...

Yawn~~~~...

Oh! Soaps are on.
Gotta go languish!

Hah! Life is SWEET!
.

DSL

So after all these years, I finally got Verizon DSL - what an eye opener!
I can't believe how fast and easy it is to get everything & also I can get YouTube!
KWUELLLL!!

This is pretty exciting. I think I have to pay $100 for instalation tho'. The guy was here for 2 1/2 hours & he was a pill. The type of person that just sucks the energy out of you. I felt I was at work, trying to make some duumkoff happy.
And he LOVES Sarah Palin. That's what a dork he is. GAWD. Glad that's over with, it was worth $100 just to get rid of him.

I'm RETIRED!!!!!!!!!!

Free at last!
Free at last!
Thank God Almighty
I'M FREE AT LAST!!!
With apologies to Martin...!
Glory Alleluia & THANKYA Jesus!!!!

I'm so grateful,
There are barely any words to describe.
I made it out of the Airline Pit -
To the other side of LIFE.
I feel so lucky
That I got out before I got
FIRED!
Something we all work with
In the back of out minds-
At least I did-
That's just how paranoid
The company makes us.

I woke up early on APRIL 1ST
With great Joy & Ecstasy
Bubbling up from my heart!
'I'm retired!!' I whispered to myself...
And inside my head I heard
A small clear voice, "we made it!"
Hello Julia! And thank you -
You & ALL my many multiple personalities
(Julia had corralled along my way)...
Each has gotten me thru it all,
Thru my entire life thus far.

I slipped on my Crocs
& ran outside in my sleep tee.
It was still dark
& the stars sparkled extra brightly!
The sun was just starting to rise
& the birds were beginning to stir & tweet,
"Kathy's retired!" "Kathy's retired!"
I felt electric!
Never before had I seen & inhaled
Such a beautiful early dawn!

Any other time
I would be cussing & moaning
About having to get up so early
To put on make-up
& get my ass to work.

It was a magical day !
And the only other time
I felt so happy, proud & smart
Was High School Graduation.
Hah!

I have been truly blessed,
God, Goddess, Universe
Has seen me thru
And helped me make it
To the other side of Seniority!
Thru both Heaven & hell,
I am still here!

6 More Days!

Omg! Omg! 6 more days!!!

6 DAYS & I shall be released from the bondage of a love/hate relationship with the sadist bastards of airline management.

A tortured marriage of sorts - you dedicate much of your life to a 'prized job' where you have worked your ass off with sisters & brothers thru good times & bad, FA's who have truly gotten each other thru the hell of 911 & the aftermath of company abuse in the name of avoiding bankruptcy.

A fine breed above many 'civilian' folks with their quirky, fun, hilarious sense of humor, Flight Attendants are the Best thing about this job & a privilege to work with! I shall miss the Flight Attendants the most. And hotel rooms.

Yep - call me nutty... I loved staying in hotels, my own room, clean sheets, room service, & the peace of totally spreading out in a king size bed alone (ha!) & watching all the dopey TV shows till I passed out from exhaustion!

It was easy to turn into a seasoned 'slam-clicker' the more senior I got, I had no energy to party after a long day in the end, tho' I do remember the yesteryears of a different industry with longer layovers & later sign ins!
Ahh, the Vivacity of Youth!

"Those were the days my friends, we thought they'd never end.."
I am SO grateful I made it thru!

.

Holding My Breath

I am SO excited!!! 20 days....! Can't believe this time has finally come... Praying it will all go well, holding my breath I don't get fired for something- anything - the company hates us, FA's are going to strike soon because of (no) contract negotiations... & you just NEVER know when management's Big Ole Shoe will drop next!

I am SO close to retirement I can TASTE it!!!

I have run out of sick time, it's been 11 months I've been on sick leave for hip pain bursitis & now, heel spurs. I just can't walk, can't do the job - even if I wanted to.

Got REALLY fat, but I just broke 200lbs, & now weigh 198 lbs @ ww's. Can't exercise, it makes loosing weight SO hard. But of course I don't want to exercise anyway. I love my bed. I love naps. I love TV & snuggling. Never got to slug- out like this for so long before in my whole life. But I digress..

April First!!! Yep, that's my OUT date! Since it's April Fool's Day no one will believe it's real until the 2nd, ha!

But I think it's appropriate- The company has played us for fools ever since 9/11 taking away half our pay & so much else. If I hadn't of had to work SO hard for so much overtime, trying to make up for so much stolen salary to make ends meet, I wouldn't have turned into a limping, lurching, non- ambulating, pain jolting, cane grabbing, fucked up gimp.
Word y'all.

One day you can walk, the next you can't. So damn weird.

I'm a idiot, but I never once thought my body would give out like this, no matter HOW many miles & years I charged back & forth, up & down those ailes, turbulence throwing me into the walls so often I didn't even notice any more... None of us do, it's so regular... Your spine gets twisted & thrown out jostling to balance in the 'easy chop,' your knees are tortured & suffer, Your piercing backaches creak, your throbbing feet just scream after long inflight days... & let me not forget about the shooting sinus migraines from prolonged pressurization & recycled "air."

Yep, no doubt about it....
I have waited too long to retire.
Amazing what we put ourselves through when there is not enough money to pay bills.

I took the year off to get better thinking I'd get back to work. I'm out of sick time now & I ain't better.
Big, fat writing on the wall!!! TIME TO GO.

Okay, what can I say? I'm throwing in the towel, hoping all goes well & 'The Company' won't try to fuck me yet again in some bizarre way.

20 more days... a day under 3 week!!

I'm SO excited!!!!!!!

.

excuses

So here's the thing..
We get along So well when it's just she & me..
Life has been better.
It's really GOOD until her relatives are around.
I can't believe we've made it thru 28 years when we both are SO different. Guess we love each other. Sure feel like it when we're together - alone!
She really IS gorgeous to look at, & everybody thinks she is one sweet angel. She is around them all.

But then there's me to say, HEY - this is fuckked up. I DO go along with her program a lot. But some things I blow up over because they are just too outrageous to me. Well all this is an excuse for my behavior, I do need to get my anger under more control I guess.

Because we DO have so much fun together. I am looking fwd to the superbowl today. I hate sports, but have always enjoyed watching the superbowl (with Doris alone) because she is so into it. Of course it I were on a trip or she were elsewhere, I would never bother...

So I gotta go get a few things, & go to the gym spa before she gets home from church. Whirlpool & steamroom here I come!

Passive Aggression

I can't believe how I'm not keeping up with this blog, FB is just so much easier. Altho' I don't rant much on fb, except for not getting the gay marraige vote in Jersey...

I am SO fucking pissed that NJ didn't legalize Gay Marrige. Damn asswipemotherfuckers. Good thing I don't own a gun. I've been in a 28 yr relationship with my beloved, longer than most of those dumbass HETS have ever been in their 1st, 2nd, or 3rd marraiges. It WOULD be nice to get married & have equal rights before either of us kick the bucket! Shit for brains FUCKTARDS. All of them. Rant done.

So other than that, & also FA's do not have my blog addy, so I have bitched about some of THEM before on here...they ARE on fb so I wouldn't complain about them on there! However, they are all so damn funny, it is so worth having them on my fb! It also keeps me up on what's happening with the airlines since I've been on sick leave with heel spurs & leg burcitus for 8 mo... I do NOT miss flying. I DO miss the nutcase FA's. We're all a bunch of coo-coo heads.

Jan is birthday month for my woman, but I haven't had much money to spend on the celebration. She turned 74, still looks 44 & has more energy than I do for sure.

Strangely 2 days before her b'day she turned insane. 1st she got crazed when we came home from grocery shopping that I went up to check on replies for my fb entry about MLK day, I guess she wanted me to watch her cook dinner or something. She gets pissed I'm on the computer so much. I've been cleaning out my "closet room" throwing clothes into garbage bags to give away. But also I had clothes laid out on a couch to put back. She threw a tantrum fit & took everything & threw it out in the van. Still don't know what happened there. It really pissed me off when I saw she also threw my good clothes out. Plus I was hurt, here I am working so hard to clean up, & doing such a good job.

The next day she started screaming at me for rolling my eyes when Herman called to wish her Happy bday. I screamed back, we screamed for a good 30 min, "he's my SON, my son" "he treats you like shit" "it's none of your business" "anyone who gives half of 2 shits for you would not put up with him" "shut up about my son" "You shut up about your son."

So that night I went out to get her cards, balloons & flowers while she went to choir practice, her bday was the next day. So when she got home that night everything was set up. The thing is I got the ugliset roses I've ever seen. On purpose. They were pinkish tan puke color. The next morning i ran down to check to see if they opened up & looked better. NOPE! They each fell over on the stems & looked like crap. I was like omg, the roses died last night. D was it's okay honey, it's the thought that counts.

Well I have NEVER in 28 yrs done anything like that. It was so passive aggressive. Screw it, I don't even care - I didn't deserve the way she suddenly treated me out of the blue. And I'M the one who does everything for her, NOT her jackass pathetic son. Fuck her. I don't even feel bad I did that. (well maybe a little) But it secretly cracks me up, I think it's funny. I was mad.

But then the rest of the week has been great!
We went to see AVATAR again, this time in 3D!!! It was SO awesome, so beautiful, SO FABULOUS!! There are just no words to explain it. The 3D makes it like a LSD acid trip!!! SO fucking cool! Then we saw the Sandra Bullock movie The Blindside, also wonderful!
Took her to the Tropicana Diner for brunch twice. Had Chinese food one night. And just enjoyed each other's company watching favorite TV shows.... Her Birthday week is almost over.

With the exception of those 2 wierd days, things have been great. I doubt there'll be any more fighting for a while now.
.

Hey I AM sick

I got bronchitus. shit. I have weak lungs because I used to smoke even tho' I quit almost 4 decades ago. it's called copd, & everyone that used to smoke has it to some extent.

Anyway, got $100 worth of meds. oye vey.
On the good side, when I FART is smells like medicine.
That's sure new.

Why I got fatter than ever or MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION

For me- try again. I must drop this tonnage & never again pick it up. God only knows how long it will take me this time… I’m embarrassed being this big now. I see people staring at me & pretending they’re not. Like they’re looking at a freak side-show. And they don’t say anything because that would be rude. It feels like I failed.


I remember when folks used to basically lear. That was SO annoying. I wanted to scream ‘get your fucking eyeballs off my body.’ It was the 60’s, 70’s & 80’s – a feminist era. Men have always been like that, they think it’s their right to just drool over any & every girl/woman simply because (they aren’t blind &) they can.


So I quit wearing make-up, & fabulous ensambles – just went for tee-shirts & sweat pants.. and THEN found a woman who was SO fucking beautiful that she got all the attention anytime we went anywhere, no one ever looked at me much after that. Well, it was a WELCOME relief & I was so proud to be with her!


But now back to the present. She is no longer proud to be with me, atho’ she still loves me, I know. I have abused my body so much with food that I have grown into a humongous Bertha Butt.


This time my reason was freaking out over the plane landing in the Hudson. Why was I torturing myself with Weight Watcher starvation if in fact that could happen to me too? I went into a huge depression & started eating everything & anything I wanted. That was a year ago last Jan 2009.


So this year, it’s coming back off. Because people are staring at me again not with lust - not that I'd want that, but with a shock of terror. And it’s not just men now, it’s everyone who’s ever known me & then some.
Because it’s sad to see anyone so out of control. And it is so embarrassing I just wish I could dissappear.

So here I go again... one day at a time. I've done it before, I can do it again... I need to get healthy again.

koo koo stream of consciousness

I do not feel good. I have had such a sore throat & bad cough for a week. The cough is violent & down in my lungs. After 7 days my ribs feel cracked everytime I cough, which is often. So guess I'll go to a Dr tomorrow. Seems by now this cold should be over. wtf? I want my life back. Been knocked out sleeping with all that Nyquil.

I need to clean up my room. As if thats gona happen once I get better. Doris has now taken to calling me a hoarder. So I watch those Hoarding shows, which are really horrid, & I do feel better about myself, phew! I sure aint that bad. Since when is not throwing out perfectly fine clothing being a hoarder? And for me, I need 2 sizes for everything- gigantic, & 40-50lbs less for when I lose this tonnage.

My loverwoman is so lame, that she never yelled at her shit for brains mf son that totally blew her off for Xmas & didnt bother to call to let her know he wouldn't be at the bus station while she sat there waiting to see her baby boy. In fact, she WAS going to cash in the ticket, but then he called & said he would come another time, & she was fine with it. Fucking lame I tell you, there is no hope for her - or us for that matter when the subject of her own personal jack-ass dumb fuck bastard seed is anywhere in the picture. Herman the vermin... It's so fucking pathetic. SO GLAD I didn't have children.

Hmmm. What else? I mean to loose weight this year. Too bad I totally abused myself with food & weigh 210, maybe more now. I figured it out at the last ww meeting. It was last January when good ole Sully landed his plane in the middle of the Hudson River. Scared me to death! - So bad that I got totally depressed & decided if I could possible die like that, fuck starving myself to look perfect. Seriously that is what triggered me & I was off & running eating anything & everything I wanted. And loved it all.

But now I'm on anti-depressants. And I seriously look like fucking pure-dee shit. So this is the year I again gotta get a grip. soon. shortly. in a minute. or two. Hell. I was gorgeous when I was young. NOBODY would know that to look at me now. It's a shame. Very sad. But there are so many lessons to learn from that. Too many to list. WhatEVER, I'll get it together, I did it 2 years ago, I can do it again.

hopefully.

It's embarrassing to go out in public looking like this. This is no joke. I would rather just stay home.