October 24, 1968

Oct 24th I start my 40th year of flying.  So 39 years ago I was 21yrs old, just stepping out of a cab onto 14th st/ 5th av ready & chomping at the bit to start my new Stewardess career in NYC!  There were 8 of us moving into that 2 bdrm apt near Union Square, but the more the merrier at that age.  Besides, we wouldn't all be there at the same time zooming all over creation on our exciting adventures... at least that's what we thought in the beginning.  That got old fast & within a year 5 of us moved across the street to another 2 bedrm better apt.  Then soon one got married, one got fired for sleeping too late & missing 3 sign-ins, & two got fired for shoplifting at Macy's in SFO on a layover.  That was a shock. 

After that I became like a dorm mother renting to NYU college film students (girls of course) until I finally moved out & then in with this fucker Charlie whom I thought was the most wonderful man in the world.  Lived with him for 6 yrs weaving in & out of jealous rages when he wanted other women, then really had to face that I had always wanted women, too. 

Went thru a group of lovelies over the next few years until I found Doris, ran after her till she caught me & have stayed for 26 years now.  Usually I feel lucky & blessed to be with the gorgeous woman of my dreams.  Now & then I feel like we're both nuts to keep trying to make it work.  It's never easy, except for the times it is wonderful which then I wonder why I ever worry.  One thing for sure, when I am away on a flight I miss her madly & feel a serious need to hear her sweet voice.  She is my other half & I would be miserable with out her.

So here I am, 39 yrs after hitting the East coast, now in NJ looking back over all the growing pains - the good times along with the bad...  How in the hell is it that at 60 yrs old I am still going thru more growing pains?  Like doesn't it ever end??? 

I'm still out of control with food.  Chocolate...  Loving it too much to stop gorging.  damn.  Here I think I seriously need anti-depressants, but what a surprise after years of not touching chocolate to be reminded of what glorious mood altering seems to happen in my psyche - how happy I suddenly feel once I start chomping away on stacks of huge Hershey bars - actually any chocolate will do... only to over & over again realize that I simply CAN NOT STOP until I run out.  Like ANY drug or addiction, it's all I think about throughout the day, just waiting for the night to settle in so I can curl up on the couch downstairs after D is asleep & gorge to my content.   sigh. 

Obviously I'm getting fat again.  It's like I don't care anymore.  Except I do.  I liked the way I looked in the size 8's alot better than how I now look in size 14/16's again.  fuck.  Went to WW today & just cried.  My leader said Kathy you can do it.  I know I can, I've done it before.  I just have to get back to wanting to.  Very hard to give up all the crap for healthy food.  damn it. 

Well, flying out to lax tomorrow again.  The fires are so frightening from the air.  Bright orange flames from Malibu all the way to San Diego.  It's horrible.  Compared to those poor people I have no problems, & no good reason to whine or complain.

Still Gaining Weight Back

Well, I've gained back up to 20 lbs now..probably.  Didn't get on the fucking scale at WW tonight because I snuck in so I wouldn't have to pay. 

I've conqered the damn ICE CREAM habit (the cooler weather has helped,) but now I've marched on full throtle to the dreaded CHOCOLATE jones.  Those hot, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies we cook onboard have suddenly become impossible to resist. 

I actually went out & BOUGHT Milky Ways & Hershey Bars last night & today, then ate them on the sly in the car.  Real addict behavior.  Maybe I'd better just get my ass to an AA meeting, because if I'm spiriling out of control with food/sugar/chocolate it could surely be a red flag that more addictions are coming....  Of course all this fucking Halloween candy on sale everywhere doesn't help. 

Whatever, it's all excuses.  waaa, waaa, waaa...  What a fucking pathetic baby I turn into with addict behavior, so unlike my regular strong, stable bitchwoman I usually bring to the forefront & present to the world.  I guess I've lost it inside of the big, mooshy beachball I feel in my lap when I bend over to TIE MY SNEAKERS.  It's really obvious, (I've had to put back on my old fat pants at work) & my gutt is so big again that it raises up the cuffs so it looks like I'm EXPECTING A DAMN FLOOD & you can see my whiteass ankles above my scuffed up navy blue clogs.  Lovely.  Just great.  I'm just so purtty with my jowels (back again from the extra weight,) just a swingin' in the FUCKING BREEZE.  shit.  Oh!  And did I mention that D & I have gotten into a bit of a McDONALDS habit of Big Macs, Fries & a med coke???  Other wise known as a #1 at the drive thru window? sigh.  (ps: YUM! damn it.)

Well all this is boring, but I am writing it down to try to face it.  And in the future when I DO finally get my stinkin' thinkin' under control I can look back & REFLECT upon what the hell happened because right now it's a bit of a blur.  That's how it is when one reaches the spiriling down effect in the midst of acting out addictions.  Shit Fuck Piss.  Hate admitting this, I feel so much shame & it's painful. On the other hand, I still can function & go to work, can live, laugh & love.  Okay.  Forward ho!