Can't Say I Didn't Try

I was seriously depressed.  My best friend from childhood became a Stewardess after I'd raved so much about it, came to NY & moved into our apt.  I could barely be nice to her.  She was the greatest person in the world, we had gone thru hell growing up from the 6th grade thru rooming in college.  But the thought of all my new roomates thinking I was as southern as  her with her accent was excruciating because I had lost my twang majoring in speech & drama.  I was just mortified that I was so discarded,messed up & an idiot - so ridiculous little things seemed enormous.  The pain was agony & there didn't seem to be any way out.

After all those years, trying so hard to be perfect & excellent, the only thing that made me feel okay about myself was sex.

It was like after finally having total sex, the floodgates opened & suddenly that's all I wanted to do.  I had to fuck to numb the pain & betrayal & longing.  Luckily for me it was becoming the 'Age of Aquarious' & free love was a happening thing, an easy way to couch sex addiction.

First there was Jim who lived in my building. We were hippies (well, I was a psuedo hippie because I had a job - he was a college student at NYU.)  And he introduced me to pot. I couldn't believe that sex could be even greater with dope & it really numbed inner pain.  We lasted 2 yrs.

Next came Jordan. We just smoked pot & argued.  He was emotionally sensitive, but a know-it-all Virgo... & I was a crazy Gemini impatient with obnoxious Virgo's.  I don't know how we made it for 2 years.

Then I met Charlie who managed the Deli/Restaurant downstairs in my building.  He was much older & looked like Sean Connery!  I fell hard for him & felt deleriously happy. But I was always jealous, subconsciously I knew he was fucking around on me.  He introduced me to acid (which I only did once) then cocaine which I immediately became addicted to.  We lived together for 6 yrs & Charlie deserves a whole chapter unto himself which would just be too exhausting to get into now.  He crushed my heart into smitherines when he dumped me on my 30th birthday for much younger top models on the covers of Vogue, Cosmo & Bazaar who were always hanging out around the restaurant we'd opened in Greenwich Village.  I was trying to come off of coke, but he was becoming the 'candyman' of Studio 54 supplying stars & models with their drugs, bringing many of them home everynight for orgies.  It was hell.  I'd moved downstairs, but I could always see him driving his powderblue cadillac convertable with his bevy of beautiful women sadistically parking outside my 3rd floor window.  He was a bastard & I now officially hated all men.

Then along came Doug who always followed me home from the Health Club.  I told him I was only going to be with women now, but he still wanted to be friends.
He was a gorgeous hunk with muscles, built like a brick shithouse & hung like a can of glade.  He was a shiatso massuse, had a model's portfolio & worked in construction, building lofts in Soho. He was also very sweet however he seemed to quit working after he moved into my apt. I didn't care, tho', He treated me so well, always cleaned the house & had dinner ready when I came home from flights. He always did fabulous massages before we had hot, heavy sex & quite frankly I just couldn't resist him when I was stoned.  We had an agreement from the beginning that I could see women on the weekends & he could see whoever.  It wasn't the sex with men that turned me off, it was their emotional development, which was about as deep as spit.

That is how I finally came to realize I was really a dyke.  When I finally had a gorgeous, sweet, nice, good man that was the most dynamite fuck & I STILL wanted to go out on the prowl for p*ssy - well, I just decided to face it once the opportunity came along. Doug & I were together for 1 1/2 yrs & when it was over, we both cried.

My Coming Out Chronicals are in the '05 archives of The Lesbian Lifestyle as well as the Archives here: July 26 '05 to Aug 1 '05.

In looking back over my life, I'm lucky I'm still alive.  I had 3 great shrinks thruout my insanity over the years.  My dance classes had to be terminated because with all the sex, drugs & disco (oh, didn't I mention I was a world class disco queen in the 70's?) something had to go since I managed to keep my job during it all. This is yet my biggest sorrow, that I blew my talent basically up my nose.  I cleaned up from drugs & booze 25 yrs ago... Just in time to meet Doris & the rest is history, albiet it ever so boring.

I wrote 5 chapters on Coming Out & looking for 'the one' & if I could figure out how to transfer it here I would.  It is much more interesting than all about the men, that's for sure.

I'm lucky to still be alive.
I am a survivor in many ways.  And I am grateful to God, Goddess, Universe for the abundance of love, guidance, & grace I've been given along my life's path.  I've learned to slow down & smell the roses along with the farts.  ha!  I know I still have much to learn & do.  I'm just a bit exhausted here in my 59th year.  Time is flying by now, so I've got to get off my fucking lazy ass & rally.  It's just that I'm REALLY tired these days.  So maybe a few more naps along the way & I'll be back to normal.  Whatever the hell that is.





7/26/05 On Coming Out  ....  Looking for "The One" pt1.

7/28/05Looking for "The One"  Pt.2

7/30/05Looking for "The One"   Pt.3

7/31/05Looking for "The One"...   Pt.4


8/1/05Looking For "The One"... pt.5

   

First Love

Is there anything as sweet & beautiful as your first love?  It's all so pure & innocent. 

I had my 1st kiss at 9 yrs old after ice skating with a boy from grade school.  I had boyfriends in jr. high & the most handsome boy in high school... altho he'd rather get drunk & throw up at LouAnne's, the local dance bar/club we'd get into, than kiss me, I still felt I had a prize.

But when I went off to college, was the first time I felt love for a boy named Bobby.  He chased me till he wore me down with his good manners, intense attention & he kissed really well enough to start turning me on some.  It didn't hurt that he drove a 65 electric blue Corvette Stingray, & he persued me so relentlessly that I actually believed him when he told me he loved me 1st.
 
My first 'grown up' love, it was so exciting & new.  We spent every spare minute together after classes, & soon were spending weekends at each other's homes.  Our parents loved us & it seemed we were meant for each other. 

In that day & age either you were a "good" girl or a "bad" girl in Texas, in the 60's.  I had a high profile (well for me it was) from being a young model, then holding beauty pageant scholarships from my home town, then my college town. I was NOT about to ruin my reputation by  having  intercourse with  boys.  Of course we spent days, nights, months & years discovering each other, doing everything else but...

We'd spend long lazy days on blankets spread out under the trees in the piney woods down a winding dirt road (Appleby Rd) in our East Texas college town.  We called it grubbing.  Life was simple, the air was clean, we'd roll around pledging our undying love & talk about what it'd be like when we got married.

We'd drive to the airports & just watch the Stewardesses & Pilots & talk about how we'd do that some day. 

We'd drive everywhere & eat everything in sight, whether it was The Sonic Burger, Bob's Big Boy's, or finer restaurants our parents would take us to. 

We had a wondeful youthful, childhood love & I never thought he would just drop it all for another girl he met who would have sex with him.  But that's what happened, plain & simple.

And when I finally got the opportunity to jump on a plane & fly to Hawaii to try to get him back, it was clear who he was with when I saw her bikini thrown under the bed & all her clothes in the closet.  I couldn't have been more humiliated when he told me he no longer wanted to be together since I told him I now had a boyfriend in NY. 

The Pain was unbearable, the deception & deceit unfathmable.  I wanted to get him back so I told him I couldn't have sex with him anyway  since I'd just aborted his baby.  It was a lie.  But I wanted him to feel something, anything for me, for us.  Of course, it didn't work.  Which shocked me even more.

I returned to NYC rejected & morose with his 'promise' that we'd see each other when he got back to Houston now & then.  What a joke.  My life & love had been reduced to a few yucs here & there.  It would never be the same.

38 YEARS

Yesterday I started my 39th year with the airline I work for.  On Oct 24th,1968 I stepped out of a car from LaGuardia Airport onto 14th St on the edge of Greenwich Village in New York City in front of a high-rise apt where I would be living with 8 other new Stewardesses!  

I turned native the minute my feet hit the asphalt!  It was thrilling to see steam filtering up thru holes in the streets, just like the movies!!  Imagine my surprise  when I found out it was from the sewers.

We were sweet, naive & I was so innocent back then. It was wonderful to live with black, white, brown, yellow - all different people together, getting along, very different from where I'd grown up. 

Marching around with hundreds of strangers everyday, it was easy to hide, an odd type of annonymity - nobody knows you, nobody even looks at you!  You don't have to wear makeup or even smile.  A welcome relief coming from modeling thru my youth, then beauty pageants after highschool for college scholarships, trying to proove I was worth loving & knowing. It was comforting just to blend in with the crowd & not be noticed.

I'd become a Stewardess to get to NYC to study jazz-ballet on Broadway with Luigi !  I was excited & looking forward to that.  Here I was, a young career girl, far away from my family (couldn't WAIT to get away!) on my own living in the Big Apple!  I loved my new job & all the fun people I worked with. I thought I was so grown up.

Soon all my roomates were dating & having sex.  I'd wait up all night for them to come home & beg them to tell me all about it, tell me everything!  Finally they told me to "just go out & get laid, for God's sake.."  I had missed my boyfriend back in Texas.  We were together thru college, but I was saving sex for when we got married. 

Finally I was given a trip to Houston, I called him to pick me up at the airport & we could barely wait to see each other!!  That night we finally went "all the way" much to his shock after waiting for so long.  I was estatic & so in love, couldn't wait to see him again!  Got another flight to Houston two weeks later & raced to call him & give him the news! 

Well, he wasn't there.  He'd flown to Hawaii with another girl to LIVE.  Seriously.

I was heartbroken & went into complete shock.  Not to mention, plummeted into the first of many clinical depressions to come.  How could this have happened to me?  After all 4 long years of loving & trusting this boy?  Especially after finally giving myself to him totally?  I started to begin to doubt there was a God.  If there was a God, why did so many bad things happen in the world?  Not just this, but all the other Really horrible things.  What was fair about life?  I also started to loose faith in everything I knew & believed about myself.  I lost focus & started floundering.  I wasn't even 22yrs old yet. 

Pictures

My new computer teacher helped me do this.

Here I am...

Well, the 3rd pic isn't me, I just like it.

Can anybody see these pictures, or do they only come up in the Apple store where I take my mac lessons?

And look, my font is bigger!!

YEA!!!

IT WAS HELL

OKAY, I'M TAKING ELIZABETH'S SUGGESTION ABOUT MAKING THE BACKGROUND WHITE SINCE THIS DAMN PRINT IS SO SMALL!  

LET ME KNOW IF IT HELPS.

I'M THINKING ABOUT CHANGING TO MAC.COM & USING THEIR BLOGGING.

I DONT LIKE THE SMALL PRINTING THAT BLOGGER.COM OFFERS.

ANY SUGGESTIONS ON OTHER BLOGGING SITES?



NOW...

I'VE BEEN GOING THRU SUPERVISOR/COMPANY NIGHTMARES FOR ABOUT 2 WEEKS.

HOMELAND SECURITY HAS DECIDED ALL FLIGHT ATTENDANTS HAVE TO HAVE PASSPORTS BY OCT 1.

I NEVER NEEDED MINE SINCE I FLEW DOMESTIC, BUT NOW THAT IS CHANGING.

I GOT A UPS (HAD TO SIGN FOR IT) NOTICE FROM THE COMPANY SUPERVISOR THAT I AM UP FOR TERMNATION SINCE I MISSED THE DEADLINE.  (CALLING IT INSUBORDINATION)

I CALLED HER & EXPLAINED THAT I WAS TRYING TO GET A BIRTH CERTIFICATE, BUT WAS HAVING A AHRD TIME BECAUSE I WAS ADOPTED & BUFFALO DID NOT HAVE IT IN MY ADOPTED NAME, ONLY MY BORTH NAME WHICH THEY COULDN'T SEND ME SINCE I HAD NO I.D. IN THAT NAME.

I TALKED TO ALBANY...HAD TO SEND OFF THRU THE SAME COMPANY THAT HAD FAILED TO GET IT IN BUFFALO.

THAT TOO ENDED UP IN NOT FINDING MY NAME.

THEY THEN SAID CALL CLEVELAND  (WHERE I WAS ADOPTED)

CLEVELAND  SAID I'D HAVE TO FAX I.D. WITH PICTURE WHICH I DID.

WHEN  I CALLED TO MAKE SURE THEY GOT THE FAX, THEY TELL ME THEY FOUND MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE IN COLUMBUS, THE STATE CAPITAL.

I CALLED THERE, THEY SAID I HAD TO SEND OFF FOR IT THRU THE SAME DAMN STUPID PEOPLE THAT SEARCHED THRU BUFFALO & ALBANY...

FINE.  BUT MEANWHILE I HAD TO GO OUT ON YET ANOTHER TRIP.

MEANWHILE MY STUPEVISOR CALLED & SAID ANOTHER F.A. JUST GOT HER PASSPORT BY GOING TO THE NYC OFFICE & PRESENTING HER EXPIRED PASSPORT.

WHEN I ASKED HER IF THAT FA'S PASSPORT WAS 30 YEARS OLD LIKE MINE (WHICH IS WHY THE SCRAMBLE TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE, I WAS TOLD AT THE POST OFFICE THAT MY OLD PASSPORT WAS WAY TOO OLD TO BE ACCEPTED TO RENEW WITH) SHE SAID "I DON'T THINK THAT FA IS EVEN 30 YRS OLD, HERSELF."

GREAT.

WELL I MADE AN APPOINTMENT AT THE NYC PASSPORT OFFICE FOR WHEN I RETURNED FOR MY FLIGHT.

I SPENT ALL DAY THERE YESTERDAY JUST WAITING.

I PRAYED.

I FINALLY GOT UP TO A WINDOW & WAS TOLD TO COME BACK AT THE CLOSE OF DAY TO PICK UP A NEW PASSPORT, THEY DID ACCEPT MY OLD ONE, THE NICE LADY LOOKING UP & ASKING HOW OLD  W E R E  YOU IN THIS LAST PICTURE????

WHEN I FINALLY GOT AN HONEST TO GOD, BRAND NEW PASSPORT IN MY GRUBBY LITTLE PAWS, I CALLED MY DAMN SUPERVISOR & LEFT A MESSAGE TO LET ME KNOW IF SHE WANTED ME TO FAX A COPY OF IT TO HER.....

I HAVE NOT YET HEARD BACK FROM IT, I MEAN HER.

THIS IS ALL VERY BORING.

BUT I'M SURE I DON'T HAVE TO TELL ANYBODY THAT I HAVEN'T HAD ANY SLEEP FOR 2 WEEKS, JUST TOSSING & TURNING & FRETTING & TOTALLY FREAKING THAT I WOULD BE FIRED AFTER 38 (THIRTY FUCKING EIGHT) DAMN MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING SONOFABITCH ASSWIPE DUMBSHIT YEARS OF TOILING MY EXHAUSTED BUTT OFF FOR THIS CRAPOLA OF A COMPANY - JUST LIKE THAT.

IT WAS HELL.

GUESS THEY'LL HAVE TO TRY & FIND SOME OTHER IDIOTIC ASSWIPE MOTHERFUCKING REASON TO GET RID OF ME.

WHICH I'M SURE REALLY WOULDN'T BE ALL THAT HARD TO THOSE FUCKFACE DICKWADS.

BUT FOR NOW,

I STILL HAVE A JOB.

AT LEAST I THINK I DO.

GOOD SATURDAY IN NYC

OKAY, SINCE I AM SO FONT CHALLENGED WITH SMALL PRINT ON THIS NEW LAPTOP, I AM GOING TO WRITE IN CAPITAL LETTERS.

FRICKIN' PAIN IN THE ASS THIS SMALL PRINT IS.

ANYWAY, LAST NIGHT I ACTUALLY HAD DEBBY HARRY ON MY FLIGHT!

BLONDIE!!!

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HER AT FIRST, EVEN THO SHE WAS VERY PRETTY, NICE, EVEN RESERVED.  

I WAS ASKING HER WHAT SHE WANTED TO DRINK, (CLUB SODA) & WHAT SHE WANTED TO EAT, (STEAK) I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HER VOICE.

THE TRUTH IS SHE WAS MUCH OLDER THAN I REMEMBERED.

THE OTHER TRUTH IS I WAS MORE INTO THE BLACK ARTISTS THAN THE WHITE ONES ESP BACK WHEN  SHE WAS BIG.

SHE SORTA WALKED REAL SLOW TO THE BATHROOM, LIKE I DO - ALL CREAKY WHEN LAYING IN BED ALL NIGHT...  

I TELL YA, GETTING OLD IS A FUCKING BITCH!

SHE STILL LOOKS GOOD, THOUGH.

BETTER THAN MOST.

EVEN THO' I COULD SEE HER GREY ROOTS AT HER BLONDE HAIR.  

BETTER THAN DARK ROOTS SHOWING...

HEHE.

REALITY IS FUNNY WHEN IT'S SOMEONE ELSE.

Just Babbeling

Well, it looks as if I can't do anything to enlarge this blog print if I stay with AOL on my new MAC.  This is according to my Apple instructer who seems very nice & knowledgable.  I haven't had a chance to talk with my blog 'computer genious' friend, so there may STILL be hope.  But chances are that whatever she suggests I do, that I won't know WHAT the hell she's talking about so I guess for now I'll just do what I can until I either change to something else from aol or get other help.  But all you guys have small print on blogger...  That is one reason I've stuck with my aol blog because I was always able to have LARGE and HEAVY print.  And I could also have a purple top.  Oh well.

Hey maybe I'll try just spacing between each sentence & see if that makes it easier to read.

What a pain in the fucking ASS.

Well I'm flying out again tomorrow & am looking forward to working with a dynamic FA who called & told me she picked up my trip because she knew I'd be on it!

Wow, how nice to know some people would really like to fly with me!

I mean, I think I'm really great in the air, but I'm SURE there are many who do not, just because I have a strong personality.  

Uhm, strong is a rather polite way to say it.

I cuss & swear, I dislike many pilots & other dorkass idiots & seriously hate Bush.

That's just for starters.

There are some bloggers I read whom I've come to realize don't appreciate my style of humor & kevetching...& uh other crassness.  

One asked what in an entry awhile back what was it that your partner & you did that got on each other's nerves... or something like that.

When I wrote in a comment that Doris hates when I FART, she commented back that I was just crude.

Imagine that!  

Well hell, she fuckin' asked.

Anyway...



A small plane flew into a high rise today in NYC.

Everybody went into post tramatic 9/11 stress mode for miles around here until we were pretty much assured it was only a single engine & not a threat.

Very sad, no matter what.

And too bad it was a Yankee pitcher, let alone anyone.  

It's a miracle not more people were hurt, thank God, Goddess, Universe for that.



Speaking of miracles, you know that 50 lbs I recently lost/

Well, i just gained 1.4 lbs back on "maintainence."

Crap, & fuck that shit.  

Obviously I won't be able to keep adding that extra 4 points a day to "maintain."

Oh well, it sounded too good to be true, anyway.

Hell, all I was doing was adding cheese & a few crackers here & there.

Oh yeah & there WAS that one night I ate 2 left over steaks on the plane.  hahah!

Not to mention we went to The Macaroni Grill last night after my computer lesson...

(Ah, thanks a LOT Sassy for reminding us all what GREAT food they offer there.)

It has been our favorite place for about a year now.



This teensy font REALLY SUCKS.

I would be amazed if Anyone would still be reading this far thru their squinty eyes.

So I guess I shall just bring this to a screaching halt now.

Peace out all y'all .

In limbo...

Fist of all, I can nOT believe that there seems to be No way to enlarge the font while adding a blog entry.  CRAP.  Is this as small to all of you out there in cyber space as it is to me???  I actually can barely read aNYone's blog because the print comes up so small.  I'm seriously thinking of taking this computer back to the apple store & getting another one, even a dell as much as I hate them at least I know how to opperate the damn thing.  shit.
I'm flying out today & will be back mon after midnight.  Tue I have an appointment at apple for another computer lesson...  That IS a good thing, I get a lesson each week for a year at apple.  Also Apples supposedly never get viruses.  What to do, What to DO????

back home

Had Lawrance Fishburn onboard tonight!  He was SO NICE, SO COOL, & had so much CLASS!  Very laidback & quiet, He didn't eat anything & just drank club soda.  He was wearing one of the most beautiful, soft, light tan leather jackets I've seen in quite some time.  Elegant man.

YEA! Back On The Internet!!!

OKAY!!  Went to the apple store Today & they fINALLY fixed the new computer for dial up.  Guess I'm the only one who still uses it.  Now, if they can fix it so that I can make the print BIGGER .  So good to read all y'alls blogs.  And Sassy, thanks for the Pay Pal address.  Missed you guys.

So FRustrated

You guys just aren't going to believe this.  First I bought (charged- shit!) a new Apple laptop.  Second, not only is it really wierd (I went for a lesson today at the apple store) but I CANT GET it PLUGGED INTO the INTERNET at my frickin house.  shit. I don't get it.  of course did I mention I have dial up?

2nd.  In checking the 100 emails since I've been computerless, I got a noticd that my paypall account has been charged for $474.99 for a nokia cell phone being sent to some guy in ME....  huh???  So when I clicked on the dispute box there was a whole list to fill out complete with my SS number, my mother's maiden name, & m credit crd #.

Say what??>?  I stopped filling it out at social security number.  Im suspecting this is a fake, but how does one know?????  I freaked & ran to an internet cafe to dispute this, but then I thought someone is trying to get my id shit...  Besides, when I registered for ebay 2 yrs ago, I only look now & then, never buy, I don't think I ever filled out any stupid pay pal form.  I wish there was a phone number to call.   Any suggestions????

I'll be in LA in 2 nights so I can read your comments.  thanks.

Fare thee well from the damn internet cafe'...where there are teenage kids everywhere.