Depression

I was depressed yesterday.  If you read this blog at all, then you realize this happens to me now & then, here & there.  Mainly when Doris & I have a fight.  Since I haven't taken anti-anxiety/depression meds for over 26 yrs, I often begin to panic when the slide starts, the downward spiral into the unending abyss where you can't seem to pull yourself off the couch or out of bed unless you have to pee. 

The fear of paralysis down in the pit, and thinking I'll never be able to pull myself up again is overwhelming everytime.  But I've been thru this so often, & luckily I do seem to eventually propel myself back to the surface & gasp for a breath of sanity like pushing thru murky lake waters after hitting rock bottom. 

It's seems almost impossible to remember positive thinking, gratitude for all I've been given in this lifetime & the Love of Jesus when I'm feeling in over my head & down so low.  But Eureka!  Last night I got a grip & Today is another day!  Oddly enough life does go on, thank God, Goddess, Universe!

PHEW!

So looking back, Doris & her sister are going to a church conference later today in Parsippany.  I went last year, our choir was fabulous & it was very uplifting.  But Doris & Sis decided to be on the hospitality committee this time, which I just didn't want because it means going way earlier & staying Way later than even regularly.  Black church services are SO looooong, my damn scrawny butt gets so tired sitting there forever & listening to preachers scream on & on about the blood of Jesus & quite frankly I KNOW how they feel about homosexuality, so forget about it, this year I chose to FLY & work a 2 day trip.  Okay fine.

Well, Doris & Sis were talking about staying in the Hilton Hotel where it will be held for weeks.  Suddenly Sis started talking about her daughter & grand daughter coming.  Thus Doris would be shit out of luck.  So Doris throws out that I can use my Marriot points toget her a room nearby. I get annoyed at this since I won't be there.  She gets furious at me screaming that I am selfish & I Never help her.  (We are in the car when this comes up, I have just driven all over, picked up groceries, stopped at Baha Fresh & gotten us dinner, & have tried to pay for our stuff this past week, since she's run out of funds paying bills.  Not to mention "The Braclet" from last week.)  We just don't have much money.

Well I was shocked by all this behavior, & from the beginning knew this was crazy & simply couldn't believe D's reaction.  But she was infuriated.  (We get nuts when we're broke.)  I was feeling that She was the selfish one wanting me to spend points I was saving for us someday on her damn church bullshit.  Also that she is a spoiled brat.  Also that she is So Unappreciative.  Unbelievable.

Okay, so the next day (yesterday) I awoke, called the damn hotel for Doris trying to get her a reservation.  It took 2 hrs going thru different channels seeing that they wanted to charge $250/day.  Forget that.  She was grateful I was doing this for her (she has no clue how to deal with hotels) & I finally found a young, sweet gentleman behind the hotel desk (who really didn't know what he was doing) so he gave me a break of $115/day, I asked D which of HER credit cards she wanted to use, she gave me one, he gave me the confirmation number & that was that. 

She was thrilled & excited, now she could tell her sister that she had a room for them, she would drive her, she was in charge...  She has done a great thing, they will be superstars in their church & all is at peace with the world.

I on the other hand suddenly went spiraling downward.  Until then I had held it together, but after everything was fixed, made okay done - I got depressed. 

But today I'm better.  Actually I started to get better last night. We were again happy, watching TV, eating delecious frozen grapes & cooling off.  Thank GOD. 

Doris is getting ready for her conference and I have to get ready to fly out.  Damn.  That was a bunch of unnecessary bullshit.

I just can't believe it takes so little to throw me into the dregs of depression.  Shit, mon..  What.A.DRAG.  Doris just screams, becomes hateful, gets it out & then goes back to being her merry little sweet self.  Me?  I can see the ridiculousness, but can not seem to get over the immediate disrespect & ungratefulness that is spewed forth.  (If it is ME screaming, acting like an ASS then I get even More depressed when I come back to sanity from crazing over the top.)

I blew a whole day off just laying there unable to move or feel joy.  Of course, it was sweltering hot & we were trying to conserve energy by keeping the air conditioner off.  (our last electric bill was $200.)  That may have really added to the problem, shit the heat was unbearable. 

But then we turned the AC on finally, Doris bbq'd chicken & corn on the cob, & that was great.  Later, the middle grandchild came by for the 1st time on his own, driving his new car, all grown up!  Wow!  Time sure does fly while I'm laying around stagnant in time & space.  That got me over it & turned me around.  By midnight we were laying in our king size bed, enjoying each other while I fed her frozen grapes.  Ahhhh.  Love at last.  Back to normal.

Sheesh.

A Free Day

I'm so used to picking up extra trips to make more money that it is very ODD to just sit at home & not do that.  I decided a month or so ago I was going to have to stop because I kept getting so sick from being run down.  Funds being rather low in Both our accounts (like empty, non-existant) it's hard to afford gas to travel anywhere but work. 

However I really MISS going to the beach this summer.  It keeps raining on the weekends here in Jersey, so it isn't the best weather to sit & enjoy the seascape. Last night (midst lightning & thunder) we spoke about possibly venturing out today if the sun stays out to go sit on the sand & just suck in the salty air.

The View is almost over so I'd better hurry & see if I can rustle the Fabulous Doris out of her back yard utopia, fill up the tank & take a day trip!  Wish me luck.

PS, lost another pound.  Finally!

Well, Dang.  A severe storm watch has been issued over the whole Eastern seaboard & the whole tri-state area.  So okay.  No trip to the shore today. Ratshit.  Guess I'll go get groceries.  Hey, have I mentioned the pleasure of frozen grapes during the summer time?  Good diet tip.

Wrestling With My Conscious

I left the house early to go to the airport 2 days ago.  That way I could stop in the Jewelry exchange & pick up Doris' gift!  Mona only came down $15.00 on the price, big fuckin' whoop. 

I had made my mind up, though.  And that I knew Doris loved it, well how could I resist?  Clearly we will not be able to get one for each of us, two of the braclets would be almost $1,000. (dang that Mona.)  Not to worry, I shall just enjoy looking at the beautiful, sleek golden cats around Doris' lovely, long strong arm!  (She should have been a pro basketball player being 6 ft tall.)  (love her muscles!) 

I paid with a check for "cash" so I didn't have to add the tax, which is now up to frickin' 7% thanks to our dumbass new govenor that recently brought the whole damn state to a standstill until evrybody voted yes for increasing the tax change.  Hell, I voted for him, but I now think he should be impeached...  6% tax was the only great thing about living in (Elizabeth, pay attention!) NEW JERSEY. 

Well, that's not entirely true - I do get to share a (teeeeeeeeny abode in the Jersey burbs - couldn't afford more) with my  Fabulous Woman,  so that IS a great thing!  Obviously I would be willing to live most anywhere just to be with Her (since I'd lived in NYC for 27years, in Greenwich Village, on Christopher St (!) (the corner of Christopher & Bleeker to be exact! - Homosexual Mecca at the time) to be MORE exact... Yep, I actually moved to fuckin' NJ to buy a house with her.  Years later we had the opportunity to buy my parent's wonderful home in California, but noooOOOOooooo.  She was born in Jersey & she's more than likely going to die here...  She won't move. 

Okay, so now here we are, 10 yrs later, (we had been together 15yrs before buying a house,)....  

My little slice of heaven.  As it were...

Need a new roof, new plumbing, new bathtub (it is too small,) new toilet  sink & tile, new electrical wiring, painting inside & out,& we need to cut down a couple of rotting trees about 4 stories high. (That would cost more than $1,000/tree - fuckin' robbers those tree service folks are...)  hmmm, what am I leaving out...  Well, nevermind. 

So I am feeling irresponsible, but uhmmm,.......    Screw it! 

Instead of doing any of the above repairs & taking care of business,..... well,.....  I have invested in a lovely Italian sculptured, exquisite golden cat bangle for my lover.  Two gorgeous, sleek (dare I say slick?!) pussys facing each other.  Works for ME!  She is thrilled.  And heck, you only live once... 

This time around!... heh! heh!

I Know what I want to get Her !

Ooooh!  I saw what I want to get Doris!  A beautiful gold braclet that has 2 sculptured cat/panther/lynx type heads facing ea other.  You pull the heads apart to put the braclet on.  She loves it.  It's perfect!  Also expensive.  Mona the jeweler is calling tomorrow to let me know if she can come down in price...

Of course, we dont NEED cat braclets to be happy about 25yrs together.  BUT it's always nice to have a lovely bauble to gaze upon & think of the milestones that pass us by!! 

I'm tired.  Wish I didn't have to fly tomorrow.  drat.

But I'll sure have to fly more than tomorrow if I wanna get that fabulous braclet for my gorgeous scrumpkins!

July 17, 1981 - 2006

I am a lucky woman!!!  25yrs with my Beautiful babe!  Fuckin' awesome!!

Okay, Doris & I drove to Atlantic City on Saturday.  I secretly took our bathing suits, makeup, clothes etc thinking I would be able to get a room with my flight ID & surprise my Woman!  Well, it just so happened this was the "Madonna" weekend & rooms were $469 everywhere.  So much for that.  And Doris is NOT a Madonna fan, so I was relieved I didn't need to suprise her with tickets.  phew!  Okay, not to worry, we went to a nice restaurant & had great grub...  relaxed & talked about our options...  We were just fine strolling the boardwalk for hours & wandering in & out of the casinos, & watching people.  uh...  yikes! with the people.... 

After the sun went down we drove over to the Borgata, which was very exquisite, -finally some class- hung out around there & played some slot machines.  Eventually we decided to leave & drive home.  It was late & we got on the wrong highway & ended up in Philly, shish!!  Well we laughed the whole day long & THAT was just the ridiculous end, thank God we found it halarious. 

You know, if I never go back to AC it would be fine with me.  Truth is I really hate that place.  (Don't really like Vegas either.)  First I seriously can't STAND all the cigarette smoke, it totally stinks, not to mention who can breathe in there????  It's depressing seeing all those folks just throwing their money away & LOOSing it!  Especially if it's ME !!!!!  I work too fucking hard to piss away my paycheck like that. 

BUT Doris (& her Sisters & her work friends & her church ladies) love the casino thing, they think is so much fun.  And I wanted D to have fun, I knew she would enjoy going there, so I did the scene & never complained & just watched Doris enjoy herself.  After so many slots, it got boring to me but I just rolled with the flow.  I patiently waited for HER to get bored & want to go.  In the car on the way home, then I told her how I felt & she was like not so thrilled with Atlantic City either, said it had really changed for the worst. 

But I just really enjoyed being away, alone with her, we never go there, I know she's wanted to, & I felt rewarded that she didn't care for it so much anymore either.  It didn't really go the way I'd planned it, but it was still a fun time to share. 

So Sunday I thought we'd stay home from church, but Doris had gotten 4 messages on the anwsering machines saying they needed her for the combined choirs when we got in Sat nite.  I knew I should go with her if for no other reason than to be 'together' for our anniversary weekend.  However, I really didn't want to go thru listening to the congregation clapping for Mrs & Mr Robinson celebrating their 23rd year anniversary when we can't announce & celebrate our 25th.  Pisses me off.  D just rolls her eyes at this & off she went (I KNOW they needed her great gospel voice for the service,) & I layed around & caught up on blogs!  We were going into New York City later for dinner! 

Well, it was a scorcher that day & I fell asleep in a coma sweat from the heat (surrounded by the Sunday papers, my laptop, & "The Velvet Rope" lesbian film playing on Logo our gay TV in this part of the woods!)  ahhhhhh, heaven. 

I was pleasantly awakened by garlic chicken cooking in the oven downstairs, Doris was home & started dinner!  She said the Sunday traffic was bumper to bumper & it was too hot to venture to the City thru the tunnel.  Well, okay with me!!!  We went out & took a dip in our (above ground) pool - which was FREEZing & that cooled us right off!  We floated around, bobbeling in the late afternoon (heavy on the sun screen) until time to eat!  Yum!  We took a short nap on the couch reading the papers, then I mowed the lawn when the sun set late.  D wanted to go to the Dairy Queen so off we went.  We came back & parked in the driveway under a big moon & talked about how lucky & blessed we are.  We often back into our driveway, roll down the windows & just watch the world go by & chat.  Reminds me of highschool & college, coming home from dates. 

So today (Monday) was The Day!  I had gotten pink roses  & 2 beautiful cards for my Doris & left them on the downstairs kitchen table.  We had said no presents.  Imagine my shock when I staggarded down to find a shiney purple bag with 3 anniversary balloons (I love balloons,) 3 wonderful cards & a gorgeous black hills ring with an unusual stone!  DAMN.  And me without a present for her.  Oh, man.  Well, of course I was thrilled, but I felt bad.  I said lets go immediately & I'll get you a bauble too!  No she said, you've spent too much & you've already given me everything I ever wanted.  Ahhhh.  Love this girl! 

It was another too hot day, so we layed around, watched some daytime TV, got into the pool (it is WONderful to have a pool, even if it is only an above ground because the summer sun is SO intense these days.)  We floated around & talked about our amazing life together.  Then we went to the Macaronni Grill & chowed down.  Manny, our favorite waiter gave us cheesecake & lowered the prices for our special day!  He couldn't believe we were gay!   HUH????  And here I was thinking I was turning into another tired looking dyke.  Perish the thought! 

We drove home expressing how lucky & blessed we are!  Lordie, it was hot.  Doris climbed back into the pool & later enjoyed her dessert.  I appologized for not having a bigger 'party weekend' for our 25th year together, she said no way - this was great!  Yeah, it was.  I'm so happy I had her all to myself!  But make no mistake, as soon as I get back from tomorrow's trip I'm buying her a beautiful present! 

 

 

Countdown

Shit.  I have gained 1 1/2 lbs.  I/2 lb last week, 1 lb this week.  FUCK, Shit, Piss.  Okay.  Today after a quick Curves workout Doris & I went to a mall, & walked for 2 hrs. (Got a new smaller bra!!) I couldn't help but notice my reflection in store mirrors.  I called Doris over to one, pointing I said LOOK!!!  I look skinny!!!  She said you are skinny, you have really dropped that weight! 

So at WW tonight I was shocked I'd gained yet another fucking pound.  I started cussing, (yeah, they love me there) & then I remembered eating airplane sandwiches (roastbeef/CHEESE on fat white buns) last week, & left overs from Doris' damn plate last night, so.......  Back to pure, strict focus.  Back to bootcamp deprivation.   

So here's my latest delima...  What the hell will we do for our 25th Anniversary???   We talked about going to AC (Atlantic City) to walk the boardwalk & do the beach thing.  I Looked up the Casino Shows on the computer & the tickets are SO expensive.  crap. 

I looked up Rainbow Mountain (a gay resort in the Poconos we've gone to & the prices are so sky high.)  Plus it is raining on & off so much, the Delaware River is swollen over it's banks. 

No money for a big party, & really, I'd rather have it just she & I.  Maybe I just won't worry about it & do nothing, just go with the flow like every other weekend.  After all, we might not have extra money to spend, but we DO have each other - such a blessing!- and we do have our own home which we enjoy just hanging out at!  I feel like I will let her down if I don't come up with anything brilliant. 

One good thing, I was able to trip trade & get mon off, 7/17th!  25 years!  Doris is just as beautiful now as she was when I layed eyes on her across a crowded dance floor at a NYC Dyke Disco!  We are so blessed! 

So I am flying out tomorrow & will be back fri night.  I guess the "festivities" will begin whenever I wake up on Sat. morn.  I have 2 days to think about it.  Any ideas will be welcomed.

An Inventorial View

3 days ago I was writing for 1 1/2 hours on my laptop & it suddenly turned itself off, I lost everything. I was so pissed I didn't try again till now.  Keep in mind, I just paid $125 to have this bitch fixed.  So I guess I shall have to go back to writing a paragraph then saving it, go back in again & write the next & save, on & on till I'm finished.  Do any of you EVER go thru this frickin' bs with your laptops?

So I gained back 1/2 lbs with all the BBQ I ate over the 4th of July.  I know it is not much, but still disheartening since at this point it really takes SO long to loose an oz.  It is definitely hard for me to stop eating something delicious once I start.  Portion control is hell.

Well, I need to try to stay positive with my 45 lb weight loss.  uhm, make that 44 1/2 lb loss.  damn. 

Okay, first I am wearing SIZE 10 from size 4xxx & size 28!  Folks are definitely noticing.

Next best - my face is smaller!  Went from a fat, jowly cheek/neck area to having a pin head!  I have cheekbones.

I have a waistline!  I couldn't believe how much better I look in a swimsuit this year.  Still got a gutt, but I'm thinking 5 more lbs will make it passable...  hmm maybe.  I might even shave my legs for the 1st time in 3 decades. ....Naaaaa.....  probably not.  I'm a furry dyke.  And Doris likes it.  Thank God.

Doris is always smiling at me now & complimenting me on how "you really lost that weight!!"  She still reaches out to grab my butt, but then she always did that!  My ass is now flat, by the way - which is NOT a good thing since I love a great derriere, it was always that way growing up tho'.  At least I'm no longer shocked & jumping when I pass by a mirror, I used to think someone was following me.  It was my mammoth ASS.

And this bulletin just in:....  Not the coolest thing to write in a blog but I used to have  pendulous, thick, hanging globules of heavy fat for breasts. They were beyond huge; I wore a 42DDD.  So in the shower on my last layover as I was soaping the girls down, shampoo in my eyes - thus eyes closed, I suddenly realized I had my hands around small, rather petite breasts!  I now have regular, normal sized, round feeling, smallish everyday boobies!  It was shocking & joyous.  Now maybe people will look more in my eyes when they meet or talk to me.

It's all such a miracle!  I feel happy. So I gained back a half pound.  BFD.

 

Saw the Best Movie!

Doris & I went to see The Devil Wears Prada today!!!  Damn!!  It was GREAT!!!  SO MUCH FUN.  Really cool. 

Now, some folks may think a movie about the fashion industry would be boring & mundane. Well, IT WASN'T. 

All those beautiful clothes, purses, shoes, jewelry, models, designers, & snot bucket attitudes were pelleted non-stop across the screen in such colorful, gay profusion.  So amazing!  A great feast for the eyeballs.

But let me tell you about Meryll Streep!  OH MY GOD....- RIVITING!!!  She is SO FUCKING FABULOUS!!  Like duhhh, I KNOW, but Oh My GAAAWWWDDD, who in this world is a more brilliant actress than her?????  And she looked better than ever with that hairdo (probably a wig - but if I could look that good, I'd cut all mine off!!) & makeup, plus her Wardrobe was to die for! 

I can't wear those high heels at this time in life as my Flying Feet are SHOT, okay???  (Much to Doris' chagrin) And I don't wear dresses anymore.  (ditto before...)  In fact I now wear sweats, jeans, tee shirts, & other sordid, schleppy attire. 

But there was a time in my past incarnation that I was into ALL exquisite fashion as I modeled in my youth (age 8 to 21) & did the beauty pageant rounds after high school thru college. (Forget it, I'm not getting into all that today!)  I dumped it all around 1969 during the Feminist Movement with the exception of being a most fabulous discoqueen-diva ever in the 70's up thru the 80's. So it was exciting to visit that glamour for a few hours in this movie.  Can't say I ever want to go back to all that, but it sure is pretty to look at!

Now, back to the FABULOUS Ms. Streep, - She Was SO FIERCE!!!!!  Good GOD!!  And WHY am I always attracted to tough, bossy, cold bitches like that I wonder?  It MUST be the ole' mother trick, my dear Mother- 'Ruth Truth' had me jumping thru hoops all my life trying to please her, which was an unending impossibility. Atleast I HAVE learned that those bitches I'm so attracted to are NOT what I really want, although I have even become one one the surface, myself.    I do love a tough broad.   

Well anyway, enough of this dribble.  I see where Superman beat Prada out at the box offices this weekend.  Shish.  I saw enough of young men in tights & capes at the Pride Parade last Sun!  If you have a chance, go see The Devil Wears Prada if for no other reason for Meryll Streep's AMAZING performance!  All the pretty women & the mad kaleidoscope of insane fashion are just a plus!

 

I am lucky!

It is wonderful to have a 'Good Butch !' around the house for many reasons, but tonight I am so lucky!  It has been raining (pouring) for weeks now, & suddenly one of the basement sump pumps went crazy. 

I wouldn't have known, but I kept blowing a fuse trying to microwave popcorn & everytime I flipped back the fusebox switch, I noticed the sump pump working overtime, but no water was being forced out.  So I called for my Fabulous Doris & upon inspection the hose had separated from the stupid pump. 

She fixed the whole thing (naked even!- wowie!!  It was hot down there so she just stripped off her PJ shirt!) with a new clip & a screw driver!  WOW!  a frickin' plumber would have charged SO much.  Of course, I helped by fetching her tool bag from the garage & holding the damn flashlight on this proceedure.  grin.  (very important.) 

     My gosh, I could have never figured out any of this myself being the dorky dunce that I am when it comes to any of this type of stuff. I am SO LUCKY that Doris is so good.  phew!  that was a close one!

     I am also glad we'd taken the grandkid home earlier, so this was just she & I dealing with potential flood turmoil & all our cussing & swearing!  Not to mention being naked!  What a great view!!!!!!!!!!  Zowie!!