Last Vacation Day

This is the LAST day of my so-called vacation,  Rats.  I'm annoyed, but that is only a waste of energy & still won't avoid the inevitable.  Boo hiss, piss!

Went to a wedding 2 nights ago, it was very nice, the bride looked beautiful, just exquisite.  Hets just don't know how lucky they are to have the option of getting married.  Shit.  I mean, REALLY!  Never-the-less I felt very happy for my friend & enjoyed myself. 

I did overeat.  But Then Doris & I got up & danced for 45 minutes without stopping.  Hopefully that will help keep any weight gain down. And quite frankly had I not lost so much, I doubt I could have kept going, although the music was GREAT!  It was all wonderful oldies. Black Disco stuff from the 70s, 80's.  The music of today doesn't hold a candle to the old Motown groove. The other day I was reading one of my many favorite blogs, & she listed all her favorite tunes.  I swear, I didn't recognize any of the names, then realized they were all old white groups. Geesh.  I mean, no offense, but SERIOUSly!  Both were good.

Yesterday Doris & I went to NYC & just drove around & hung out.  It was packed seeing it was Saturday & beautiful weather.  There was a huge peace march (ah, the more things change the more they stay the same...)  & there is the TriBecA Film Festival going on. 

It's hard sometimes to go to The City as my whole adult-youth was spent there & the memories always hit me left & right.  Talk about flashbacks.  It strikes me how much in the end I loved it so much, but was miserable that Doris wasn't there with me. 

I could have The City with Lesbians & Gays or Doris in NJ.  It was SUCH a struggle.  In the end, Love won out.  But it would still be great to have both.  Not to be, I'm afraid.  Not often, anyway.  So, here I am in NJ suburbia, a whole new life (well it's 10yrs old now) but still.  I had to (try to) grow up & make a choice in order to live with the Woman I love.  We had "lived together" in 2 separate residences for 15yrs.  However, Girlfriend wanted a HOUSE, so here we are 10yrs later... almost 25yrs together now.

Supposedly there are no mistakes in our lifetimes, we're all on our own learning paths in the school of growth.  But sometimes I wonder!  Clearly I did make many mistakes after leaving home & striking out on my own.  There are many choices I would change if I could take it all back.  Yes, I said it, there are MANY.  But, I guess moving out of the City is not one of them. I was lucky to have had 27 yrs living there!  If I HAD a ton of money, then I could still afford living In NYC!  But then, if I had money, I could live in a more fabulous house in a better neighborhood!  I THINK I would choose THAT, as the peace of the country is a sweet & wonderous salve for my psyche. 

Since I am busted, broke I shall have to just continue to "bloom where I am planted."  So far, so good.

I'm Done

 Today I went to Curves.  Then I cleaned 3 rooms. Then I mowed the lawn.  Then I washed the dog.  Then I had dinner at Red Lobster with Doris (& her sister.)  Full day.

I'm Melting!

Went to Weight Watchers to get weighed today.  I have now dropped 37 lbs!!!  This is a miracle.  It is so hard.  But if I made it to 37, then maybe I can make it to 40!  And then possibly 45!  And maybe more!!!  I am now able to get into size 12!  Wow.  A far cry from size 28 or 3XXX.   Thank you Jesus!!!!!!!!

My Sucko Vacation

My next door neighbor just told Doris & I tonight that they are moving.  Which is terrible news because they are great people & we enjoy them.  Then she said they were breaking up...  which is a shock.  We never saw it coming, they seemed so into each other & their kid.  I am so sad & upset over it all.  It's horrible.

I've been miserable the past 9 days, I'm on a 2 week vacation & there's only 5 days left.  I haven't even blogged about it because it's so crummy.  Gas is now over $3/gal so we can't drive to the Poconos or anywhere else for that matter.  But I just thought it would be great to  relax & hang with Doris.  Sounds good to me!

But Doris has had other ideas, as well as no boundaries.  Besides doing Easter sunrise service as well as the regular service, we started at 0430 & ended at 43Op, as if I wasn't already exhausted enough.  But no, the choir HAD to sing both services.  That was bull. 

The next day, her grandkids called & wanted to come over.  I was a good sport about that.   I was looking fwd to the next weekend together, but a grandson called asking her to take him to get his driver's permit.  Of course she couldn't say no to him.  I was like what about ME???  "Oh, I'll be back early," And then she remembered a birthday party for a 100 yr old lady that afternoon from church we were to go to.  I stayed home.  Of course she & her sister went & thought it was wonderful.  I just couldnt' go.  Didn't wanna.  Read blogs all day since they were gone.

I was pissed.  But this lady's been in their church their whole lives.  What could I do.  Nothing, but look fwd to the rest of my vacation.  After all, at least I didn't have to work.

Then the same grandson called to ask her to drive him to NYC for a commercial audition the next day.  I got nuts.  Of COURSE she said yes, then spent the night on phone calls (during 24 our favorite show) with his mother & him, I'm screaming "hang up the phone..  call them later"...  She screamed "STOP!"  We fought, she heard me tell a flying partner I was having a shit vacation. 

The next morning she wakes up (that's today) & said look, we'll drive them to the city, drop them off, they'll take the path & buss back home, & we'll go walk around in the Village.  Which we did.  It was pleasant enough.  It would have been better with out them.  She cooked a great whole chicken dinner tonight.  I planted seeds in the garden. 

Last night I was so enraged I thought about leaving & finding a woman who wanted to spend time with me.  That was my old pattern decades ago when I would get pissed.  I really wanted to bolt, but I'm so, so broke. 

So now tonight, I'm in shock Marlinda is leaving Charles, next door.  That could have been us.  We just looked at each other, so sad- shook our heads & said, we really have to keep it together.  We are just 3 months away from our 25th anniversary.  I gotta get a grip. 

 

I Am a Bad Stepmom

I saw a terrible documentary about bad step parents last night.  God, it was awful.  The parents were hideous.  I'm so glad I didn't have children, at least I don't have guilt about fucking up innocent little beings. 

But the truth is, I am a bad 'step parent,'  & step grandma/auntie.  Doris' children don't live with us......  But I don't like 2 of them...  because I don't like the way they treat her or act toward me.  The third one is a good son & I love him.

The grandkids were great when they were young.  Growing up they are developing attitudes as all teenagers do.  The oldest (24yr) grand(daughter) has turned out very wonderful, even tho' she had a neglected childhood with a mom who had problems. 

Her mother spent the week with us earlier for the first time.  I was flying in & out & she also stayed with friends 1 or 2 nights, so there was never time to talk except for one night at dinner.  It was all very friendly, and this week she left a phone message to her mother with a hello to me...  the 1st time that ever happened in 24 1/2 years.   

Maybe it's not too late. 

I really wanted to ask her 'why didnt you return ANY of my 100 phone calls about your mother's surprise 70th birthday party in January?'  But I didn't.  She was reaching out to spend time with her mother & I wasn't going to sabatage that in any way.  It's important they mend their relationship. 

She also said she'd be back to stay with us in a few weeks...... Oh, joy.

I haven't mention the youngest son here because I have nothing nice to say about him.   He's manipulative.  I can go on ad infinitem about what a shit he is,  how he neglects & does Nothing for his beautiful boys,  how he's a user & takes total advantage of Doris whether it's asking for money,  or ordering the most expensive thing on the menu (lobster)when we take hime to eat, or runs up the phone bill when he's here,  how he lives off of women,  how he doens't work (well now he's supposedly working at a dress shop)  how when he comes to see his kids, he leaves them after 1 night & doesn't come back,  how the world revolves around him,  how he's the most pathetic looser ever.  I can't stand the mother fucker.  He makes me sick. 

 But Doris loves him unconditionally.  Of course.

These chidren of Doris' are all in their 40's.  PS: Doris never told me she had kids when we first got together, & I had never asked.  (dumb me.) 

Any fights we ever have are about the kids or grandkids.  It is impossible for me to just remain quiet when this is my life too. 

I always want to just be alone together, I think it's romantic.  And when we are it's so great.  Even when we're just watching TV or even just sleeping.  Especially watching TV or sleeping!

I admire these lesbians who have families & sucessful relationships too.  I have to wonder how crummy their sex lives must be.  There is Nothing like a problem child- or child with a problem - to kill the mood.  It's a hard job, being a mom.  I would have failed miserably. 

Answering ?'s from Bi Friends

My Cyber bi-friend still had more ?'s for me.  She feels discriminated against.  I tried to explain further why lesbians don't want to hang with bi' women...

Oh you don't piss me off, it's okay.  The answer, tho is simple:  Look what

 

happened to Ellen...  Ann left her for a man.  She likes both.  

 

  The pain was enormous & definately NOT worth it.  I did like both in the

 

 beginning.  Loved both, actually.  I do think it's natural to be just sexual. -not

 

 hetro or homo.  But we all LEAN more in one direction than another.  That is

 

 what I feel makes the difference.  I loved men.  But I HAD to be with women. 

 

 And it wasn't easy.  The pain was just as bad in the beginning.  (Mainly

 

because I went with someone just like my mother... but Worse. )  Yet I STILL

 

 wanted to stay with her, I wanted to be a good lesbian.  Thank God, Goddess,

 

 Universe that I got out of THAT relationship.  What a bitch. I would have

 

probably stayed until she killed me.   And she hated that I had loved men.

 

 

     As for women hating men, that's simple.  They are just assholes.  Yes, there

 

are some that are good, & there are some women that are assholes too,  but

 

 quite frankly let's face it.  They are Loosers!!!!   Look at all the advantages

 

men, (esp WHITE men in America) are born into, the male privilege they grow

 

up with, the entitlement they Always feel...  And yet look how badly they have

 

fucked EVERYTHING up in the world, esp their women & children.  They are

 

to see thru, & they are easy to disdain.  Lesbian's can't stand them because

 

 they get all the advantages in this world that we don't.

 

 

  Fucking them for me was great!  I like sex.  But, Their emotional development

 

sucks. There are some I do like/love.  My brother.  A guy named Leonard. 

 

 Some gay men.   My father.  And Charlie, my ex, turned wonderful before he

 

died thru recovery & 12 step programs....  are some that come to mind. 

 

 

       So I don't totally hate them all.  They're here, we have to live with them. 

 

 But if the world were all women, I would not miss them.  Since it is not, I have

 

to learn to become tolerant of the motherfuckers.  But the majority disgust me. 

 

 And believe me, I've seen & known thousands in my 37 yrs of flying.  Patooie! 

 

 You can have them all!

 

     I really don't know what else to say to try to explain it.  If you feel you are

 

discriminated against in the same way as being a black person, perhaps you are

 

 right...  I relate in being discriminated against for being homosexual, being a

 

woman & being old now.  Ageism is for real.  And that will only get worse. 

 

 

      I become enraged when Doris is discriminated against because of her color. 

 

 In my opinion, she is one of the MOST beautiful persons ever!  Ignorance runs

 

rampant, probably always will.  So maybe all of this is just pure ignorance, as

 

each of our personal preference abounds.  I don't know.  *We can't change what

 

 we don't care to change.*  As for myself, I have too much to still work on

 

 personally before I come around to tolerance for bisexual behavior.  We all

 

need to be happy.  If living bisexual makes you happy, so be it!  I have known

 

you as a human being, not a sexual human being.  It is not really part of our

 

relationship.  I am not sexual with you, nor you with me.  To you, I assume that

 

is who you feel you are meant to be.  To me, it would be like sleeping with the

 

enemy.  I do not wish to do this.  If you do, then so be it.  We are on different

 

paths anyway, altho' we Do have some things in common. 

 

 

     I just wish you the best in all you want & do.  I wish for neither one of us to

 

be hurt.  And I enjoy our discussions, whether we agree or not. 

 

 

Bisexuality

     I have a cyber friend who is bisexual.  She gets frustrated because there is

 no respect from the gay community.  I think it is because of all the hell we go

 thru to come out.  So that once we seriously commit to Women, we don't need

 to go thru the pain of loving one who wants a man.  That would be

 irresponsible.  I began to write of my own experience.  Usually I send my

epistles into "The Lesbian Lifestyle," but I doubt they would be interested in

this one.

 

      I remember when I was bisexual.  Still living with Charlie...  or maybe we

 were broken up then for a while.  REALLY wanting women, but still addicted to

 his fucking dick.  REAL women's women wouldn't have me because men were

always around me.

 

     I had always wanted women since I was little...  Remember a big crush I had

 

on an older girl when I was 8.  It was at the YMCA, she was always playing the

 

guitar & singing like Elvis...   Dug the butches even then. 

 

 

      But, I always wanted boys, too ...  I wanted love from everybody...  And they

 

 were always there.  And because of childhood incest/abuse I had turned into a

 

 sexual being for anyone...  altho I never acted on it beyond flirting

 

 shamelessly...  Until the end of my 21st yr...  almost 22.  And once I started I

 

couldn't stop.  It was a way of self-medicating again and again, and yet again.

 

Until I drew the smoke from a boyfriend's joint... & found sex enhanced even

 

 more, oh my GOD, yet another addiction...  It was all too good.  It was all so

 

 bad, so sneaky, so ruininess.  I was ruining my life.  Though I didn't know it

 

then.

 

 

     Nothing mattered other than getting my fixes, whether it was men or pot.  I

 

 quit my wonderful dancing...  (the reason I was born to breathe...)  JazzBallet

 

 classes with Luigi on Broadway...  the reason I became a Stewardess - to get to

 

 NYC to study with Luigi on Broadway - to dance in all the choruses on the

 

 Great White Way..  My dream up in smoke.. 

 

 

     HAD to keep working, had to fly to pay the bills, had tosupport my habits,

 

 HAD to fuck and get high.  My life, my youth  divebombing down...  down to

 

Charlie, into his lair... into his world, the final 6 yrs of my 20's thinking I was

 

 ecstatically happy, totally in love..  Lost in the bliss of sex, drugs & disco and

 

well, domestic life- such as it was, better than anything else I had ever had...

 

 

     But I still wanted women.  And I knew I would have to have one.  And when I

 

 finally did, I knew I was on the right path to becoming me.  Of course these

 

 luscious beauties were all bisexual... couldn't interest a lesbian with men all

 

 around me.  And bi-women all needed men...  they would eventually want to

 

 bring you home to their men.  I was not interested, I had my own man.  I sure

 

 didn't want to share my women.  I had never wanted to share my men.  But you

 

alway share your man, you just don't know it.  They lie about it.  They don't tell

 

you about their other women.  We all just live in denial that we're their one &

 

 only.

 

 

     So it took one last 1 1/2 year relationship with a wonderful, sweet, gorgeous

 

& sexy man to finally admit...  I am not straight.  God knows I tried.  Being Gay

 

 wasn't a choice.  My choice was to be heterosexual.  You can fuck every man

 

in sight, even marry them...  but it won't make you straight if you're not.  You

 

 just choose to live a lie.  Maybe not so consciously, but that is how it is...  if you

 

 buy society's brainwashing... and live in fear..  of being the real you.  At least

 

that is how it was for me.

 

 

     And so it goes...  I am a Bonafide Dyke!  Non of this wishy-washy bisexual

 

bullshit for me.  It is a relief not to "need" a man in order to make it thru life.

 

My "Coming Out Chronicals, parts 1 thru 5 " are in my 2005 July- August

 

archives here as

 

well as "The Lesbian lifestyle!" 2005 archives, So I won't repeat myself again. 

 

 

     Suffice it to say, relationships are hard enough, often a true struggle.  But

 

 they are next to impossible when you try to be someone you're not.  I wish

 

 everyone happiness on their path thru life.  I am grateful I found my happiness

 

 with Doris.  In a few short months we'll have 25 yrs together, for better or

 

worse!  Thank you God.  You  have truly blessed me!  It's been a long, hard

 

journey.  I look forward to the rest of this adventure.

 

    

Flying 6 Days In a Row

4 down 2 to go.  Getting a little weary, here.  Luckily I've been flying with great, hard-working FA's.  2 nights ago we had to check 35 (THIRTYfuckingFIVE) strollers...  Folks & their broods flying to Passover Holiday.  Today & tomorrow it will be Easter travelers.  Full to the brim!  Same song second verse!  Nobody wants to stay in their seats.  It's noisy.  Makes for a  l-o-n-g  trip.  Did I mention kids on Spring break?  Actually the college kids have been GOOD.  It's the PARENT's that can't control their little ones, don't know which are the bigger challenge!  I do love this job, it's not like this happens everyday.  Regular travelers stagger off, eyes wide, shaking their head in a stupor on these holidays.  I always go thru looking at each psgr as a soul from God, a part of us all, 'we are are one' when they are finally seated after boarding!  Yeah, that's how I start out.  By the end of the trip....  I am doing the deep breathing, doing my best to stay calm!!!  I thank them when they are deplaning, & I am gratified when some thank us back.  If I didn't have such wonderful people to work with, it would be hell.  Luckily, most of us have the knack. 

I can't believe the news EVERYWHERE keeps playing the 9/11 tapes over & over.  Again & again.  For weeks.  It's horrible.  It's driving me crazy.  Oh my GOSH it's SO DEPRESSING!!!!  The Post traumatic stress just kicks back in.  It's insane.  Why are they allowed to do that, just because it is happening in a courtroom?  I can't take it much more.  Somebody please make it stop!

Frickin' Taxes

DAMN!  I just found out I owe  $825.00  in fucking Taxes.

SHIT  FUCK  PISS. 

C R A P O L A!

Lordie, I am so bummed.  I only had $1,000 left in my savings account.  Gone.  Sent it off today.  I AM BEREFT . 

Damn my accountant.  Have used him for years.  Think I might get another one.  PERHAPS I'll try to keep better records.  (I have no records being the lazy ass that I am.)  I'm an idiot. 

This is all my fault for being a record slug.  And for selling 2 houses last year (which broke me out in fucking-ass shingles with all the flight time I was working at the same time those 3 months) .  That's what did it, had to pay taxes AND social security on that (as IF it will even be there IF I will EVER be able to AFFORD to fucking RETIRE before I die (anytime soon!)  SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! 

Well, I cried.  I'm such a big, tough dyke.  boo hooed, snarffed & hiccuped.  Then I wrote out a (rubber) check & mailed the mother fucker.  Asswipe, mother fucking, cock sucking Internal Revenue fucktards.  They're lucky I don't have enough money to buy a GUN, let alone lunch.  I am so pissed.

And there is NO WAY I can work any harder than I already am.  I just flew 4 days, had TODAY off, and will be flying the next 6 motherfucking days (daze) in a row.  I am desparately trying to stay healthy & germ free thru all this jetlagged stupor. 

I told Charlie (my soon to be ex tax person) that it doesn't pay to try to sell real estate.   He said, no, you have to sell more.  Which is next to impossible, part time.  Besides, I hate most other real estate agents. (fucking back-stabbing bitchfreaks.) 

Well, I'm definately screwed.  I have $125 in my checking account till my next paycheck on the 15th which will be $600, whichI will have to pay the damn mortgage with by the 16th, which isaround $1300.  Gaaaaaaaaaa!  SHIT. 

I don't know.  There is not much left for me at the credit union.  I just can't believe these damned 9/11 pay cuts we've had to take while the fucking top managment walk away with HUGE parachute payments, not to mention their regular salarys.  God, I'm SO fucking infuriated.   

Well, I have to make a definate attitude adjustment.  I need to make a gratitude list;

I can walk & talk.  I can see & hear.

I Do have a job, & can continue to try to work overtime.

I have had my beautiful, exquisite Doris for 24yrs & 8 mo!

She is well & still looking fabulous at 70 yrs!

I have good health at 58 yrs & have recently lost 34 lbs!  

We have a house to live in.

We have a cute schnauzer & 2 sweet cats.

We still love each other!

We love Jesus & God.

Usually we are happy & laugh a lot.

I get to hear Doris' sing with her fabulous gospel voice all the time at home or in the car! She can really wail out those 40's & 50's doo wop & 60's/70's Motown hits.  The woman can SANG!!

I have a car to get to work with.

I have 26 yrs & 6 mo clean & dry.

I have 37 yrs & 6 mo with my airline co. (such as it is...)

I really enjoy most people I work with there.

Many psgrs are nice, some are wonderful.

I dig hotels & having my own room for the night.

My old, raggedy laptopstill works mostof the time.

I love to laugh.

Okay.  I guess I'll survive.  I really have to cut down on spending & practice keeping better records.  I've done it before, I can do it again.      Damn it.