KMae Today

No New Years Resolutions

2012-01-08T16:04:00.006-05:00

I ain't makin'
No damn New Years resolutions
For once.
To hell with it.
They're all the same each year , anyway.

I just don't give a shitsky -
I'm still fat &
My closet room is still a huge mess.
Whatever.

I'm tired of trying to stay positive
Every fucking day of my life.

Even tho' I do KNOW
I am one blessed woman.
I appreciate it,
but really -

I'm basically a nice person.
So why shouldn't
God Goddess Universe
give ME favor!?

I am tired.
I have bronchitus
And I think I am getting better.
Went to the walk-in & got med scripts.
Hope the insurance pays.

Doris has been very nice
& says she doesn't know
what she would have done
without me.

It feels good,
hearing her appreciation of me...
something kinda rare
since I don't do shit
around here.
Not really.

I am retired -
doesn't everybody know by now?
I ain't doing nothin'
If I don't feel like it.

I'll be glad
when summer comes back around-
These short, dark days
make me
Grouchy.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-31T18:39:00.002-05:00

We are still somewhat in 'Holiday Mode' over here, taking it slow & easy one day at a time. The best Xmas present was having Doris home from the hospital where she had been for 5 days with another bladder infection that had given her 106 fever, chills & rendered her impossible to move down the stairs to the bathroom.

I thought she was having a stroke the 1st night as she just didn't seem to understand what I was saying to her when trying to get her down the stairs - it took me 2 hrs, & she had the runs & throw-ups. She couldn't even hold her own barf bag & refused to go to the emergency room that night, she was just belligerent & wanted to stay home.

The next day she wasn't any better & agreed to go to the walk-in clinic, where they immediately put her in an ambulance & took her to the hospital. Her uti had gone into ECOLI & poisoned her entire blood stream, she was in SEPSIS. It was scary.

I also got sick about the 4th day - from exhaustion trying to take care of her...& went home early with throwing up & the runs, myself. Luckily that just turned out to be a 24hr virus, probably also from hospital cooties.

Then suddenly she was released! Then we were both home weak & trying to recuperate... however poor DORIS really had gone thru hell so I felt lame even complaining about feeling like shit.

Once home, neither one of us had the energy to clean the house for Christmas holiday guests, ie her kids & grandkids. I did rally enough to put up a beautiful tree for her & may I say that takes a ton of energy.

And one more thing... I was pissed as hell at her youngest lame-ass lazy son because he had stayed at her sister Barbara's apt after last xmas, for maybe 4 or 5 months, which was SO kind of her sister to get him out of our house. Well, he took (stole) some of her jewelry from a drawer & PAWNED it for money. Then finally left town to go back to Detroit, telling his mother (my Doris) that Barbara wanted him out of the apt because he had brought a girl there & she didn't like it. He is just SO FULL OF SHIT. I am sick of him.

It upset Doris SO much once she found out & thus her resistance was totally lowered from the stress of it all. And that is one big reason she got so sick & her body rebelled on her... She was REALLY furious & hurt & said she was going to give Herman a piece of her mind... BUT SHE NEVER DID. In fact, she never has thru these past 30 years I've known her. He's her baby & the beloved brother of Sharon & Derrick (her other two children - all around 50 yrs old.) She just accepts him (& them) with unconditional love, life goes on, & he keeps fucking up.

Well I had felt pushed to the max trying to take care of Doris & worrying about whether she was going to die from the sepsis. So when Herman called I just started yelling at him about pawning off Barbara's jewelry when she had done so much to help him, & how it affected his mother & made her sick... He got defensive, said he didn't make her sick & started talking about how he did it because he was hungry & needed money for food, (BULLSHIT) & he had meant to get the jewelry back, but he'd left too soon, & that Derrick shouldn't have told anybody about it, because it was nobody's business... Sickening.

I said "Listen, Number One: NEVER ask your mother for money EVER again." He said I don't need her money, I have my own. I said "GREAT then you can send her the $100 you borrowed last year & Never paid back as you promised, she can use it. And number two: Your mother will really be happy to see you again, & I shall be happy to see you again, BUT YOU ARE NOT INVITED TO STAY HERE THIS YEAR."

A silent pause ensued... & he started hitting all the phone keys saying he had to get off the phone (he always borrows his friends phones to call...) I gave the phone to Doris so she could say hi to him & he got off right away afterward.

After 30 years I finally told the little stankass,fuckoff lier OFF, I had overstepped my bounds - but if Doris had ever stood up to his lame behavior I would have never felt the need to.

Well, Doris was SO upset & said I should have never done that. Sharon the sister didn't even bother to call on Xmas day - doing her brother solidarity thing I guess... but it was weird because she had called D everyday in the hospital, cried please don't die on me, sent beautiful flowers, & also wired her $100 to help her pay for meds. She had been wonderful. Then didn't call her mom on xmas. Guess she was mad we didn't have Xmas here at home like we did last year, not to mention her younger brother wasn't invited to stay here if we had.

Instead, we all had been invited to go to Cousin Etta's for Christmas (her husband of 60yrs had died & she was lonely.) This was great for Doris & I since we had no energy to clean the damn house. And also Etta was looking fwd to seeing Sharon, but Sharon never called to say she wasn't coming.

I'm SO glad I never had children. I swear, I would have beat the little bastards if they had acted like imbeciles. I have been grinning & bearing so much insanity from D's children for decades now. They never liked me anyway, so now they are going to understand & see just how much I will not be putting up with anymore.

Anyway, MY Christmas was wonderful! I had Doris home, we went to Etta's & had delicious food, I didn't have to deal with that fucker Herman, & we had our whole house to ourselves once we got home.

Cousin Etta was happy too.
All the rest of them were depressed.
Oh, well.

"Tis the Damn Season Again

2011-12-04T11:04:00.008-05:00

'Tis the damn season again.

Got thru Thanksgiving
with just 5 of us
dining at the Airport Marriott.
Phew!
It was perfect.

D had been very sick
with a bladder infection
so she didn't cook &
the whole crew didn't come over...
So I didn't have to hustle & clean.

Daughter drove in &
paid for Mother's dinner.
Very nice!

The daughter hurt my feelings
talking about how she wants to give D
a RUST livingroom couch combo
because pink/mauve
is out of style in the 2011's.

I HATE RUST,
orange is not what i would want.
However this is for "Mommy."

Whatever...
Our hunter green velvet couch
on our pink carpet
is 17rs old & worn now.
I should be grateful
for anything new.
But rust???
ugh.
Let me just shut up.

Clearly they don't like the livingroom.
Well HELL.
Be grateful we all
could come together here last year...
After D's Sis passed away
We no longer have
Her neice's big, beautiful home
To gather in as we had
For the last decade.

So now Xmas is coming again &
I think the kids & grandkids
all want to come over
& hang with Mom/Grandma.
Not to mention her brother & sister.
We gotta hustle & clean here.
Oh HELL.

Why am I such a damn slob?
I seriously don't KNOW how
to keep up a room,
apt,
a house -
not even my car!
I have never LEARNED
how to clean well.
I just hate it.

And D wants me to put up
the outside lights,
maybe I'll try today.
Deep sigh.
It's a lota work.

Then will come the xmas tree.
Sigh.

I wanna just lay here & hibernate.
Curl up in my bedsheets
& down cover cocoon
and cuddle all the down pillows &
Peacefully drift in & out
of consciousness
'Till this whole charade is over.
Including New Year's Eve.

Life is just so great with the two of us.
We have fun & laugh at so much!
But bring in her family
& she totally changes.
It's been this way for 30 years,
So it certainly won't be different this year.

Oy.
Holidays suck.
.

Octfuckingtober

2011-10-31T04:10:00.002-04:00

It snowed in Oct.
Really stupid.
Can't stand it.
Didn't even shovel,
I'm willing it to just melt away.
Sure.

I am grateful to have electricity & TV.
Many do not.
Trees have split & fallen in the back yard.
And everywhere.
Lines are down.
Stupid east coast.

I went out of control with halloween candy.
Milky ways, Hershey Bars. Chocolate cake.
It is HEAVEN.
True fucking heaven.
Can't stop.
Gained 5 lbs in a week.

That was last week.
Probably 5 more lbs this week.

I am sad & weak.
And FAT for real.
I've never been heavier.
I am grateful Doris hasn't dumped me
For a new slender model.

I was however infuriated with her
when she wouldn't let me adopt
the most beautiful tigress cat.

She should have said okay Kath,
if that's what you want.
If that will make you happy.

But she said NO.
And she meant it.
And of course I considered
getting the cat anyway,
getting 2 cats.
What would she do then?

Oh she's got heart murmurs
and high blood pressure...
I must NOT upset her!
I am SO PISSED.

We are together 30 years ...
What am I supposed to do?

If I were younger I would dump her
for someone who loves animals.

But when I WAS younger
she DID get me cats
and a Dog.

They are now buried out back.
It's been over a year.
I really miss fur
And cuddling with critters.

But she is happier
without pet hair on furniture & clothes,
no kitty litter in the house,
& not having to walk a dog.

Not to mention
my having to pay for pet food,
kitty litter, &
vet bills -

Something I should have paid for more of
If I had the money to take them
to the Dr more often,
Maybe they would still be alive today.

sigh.

Somebody pass the candybars.
.

200 lbs.

2011-09-29T16:50:00.006-04:00

Last fri my babe & I
went to the movie matinee'
as we usually do!

I always like to sit
up on the top row on the aisle
(stadium seating,)
Just feel safer
with no one behind me.
Anyway...

In the middle of the movie
I got up
to go to the restroom...
And KNOCKED my whole
HUGE cup of diet coke
on the floor
when my BIG ASS
passed the damn cup holder.

It made a BIG LOUD crash
& SPLASH
on the floor.

I flopped back in my seat,
MORTIFIED.

Everyone turned around
to see what'd happened.
Shit.

SO embarrasing.

Shouldn't of had the butter popcorn.

Can't remember
when I've ever felt
SO damn fat,
and ashamed.

God, I gotta get a grip
& loose this tonage.
That's all.
.

9/11 X 10

2011-09-11T20:54:00.002-04:00

Thank God this day is almost over.
I just can't take much more.
All the videos, pictures, memories,
Jesus Christ!

It's like every year we all get a giant scab
pulled off our wounds &
the post traumatic puss
comes oozing out.
Everywhere.

Our hearts get too heavy,
Our heads want to explode.

Altho' everything is changed -
Nothing has changed,
There are still terrorist threats today.

We go on thru life
Striving to be courageous
and strong,
trying to balance between
Fear & denial.

So this year
on the 10th anniversary
of hell as we know it
The media has shown
the reports
Of telling the powers that be
To SHOOT down all flights
during successful hi-jackings.

Yep
We knew about this
But the civilians didn't.

Welcome to our world.

Labor Day Sept 6, 2011

2011-09-05T12:58:00.009-04:00

It's already Labor Day,
Are You EFfing KIDDING me??
Seems like leaves started falling
the minute September came.
Of course this was right after
we had an earth quake here in Jersey
(Say WHAT?)
shortly followed by Hurricane Irene.

The basement started flooding,
Doris FREAKED
(well it WAS serious)
God gave her strength
to pull the wall apart
& restart the sump pump
in the sub basement,
but then the rain was pouring SO much
that the slop sink -
the sump pumps empty into -
started overflowing,
the floor was going
up to 4-5 inches deep.

(there are TWO sump pumps
& one regular small pump for under the steps)

We were bailing water &
Doris was so awesome!
Somehow God gave me the strength
to stay by her side
& help as much as possible.

I am a weakling
now that I am SO fat.
Feet, Knees, Hip, Back.
I am deteriorating
like a termite infested
house of decay.

The creek overflowed
to a 5 ft lake in the back yard,
& the street in front was also
flooding like a whitewater race.

But it all finally was over!
Thank you GOD!

The basement carpet is squishy,
but compared to SO many folks who lost everything
in this damn storm we got off light.

Now there's no more summer.
This is ALWAYS so sad to me.

Gotta count my blessings.
It's actually very pleasant outside.

Today we're going to cousin Etta's.
Her husband of 60 yrs just passed.
He was 89 so we shall help try
to keep her mind off of her very sad loss.

Life does go on for us lucky ones,
in spite of all the trials
& tribulations...

In this life,
or even the next...
.

Say WHAT???

2011-08-19T17:59:00.005-04:00

OMG One more week of AUGUST.
One more week of SUMMER, virtually.
Fuck shit piss.
This summer once again FLEW by.

Why?
Lots of rain,
So it was harder to enjoy the outdoors.

Finally have made it to the shore
4 times.
Nature's valium...
Love the beach SO much,
even tho' we saw a flasher -
I yelled P E R V E R T !..
As we left.

Doris said
How did you know his name is HERBERT?
God that was funny.
We are definately older -

Can't hear for shit
Even when yelling...
.

Club EWR going away party for Mary Pat, which I spoke about in the entry below this...

2011-07-09T23:49:00.000-04:00

2011-07-09T23:47:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ox4NPTqXj3E&feature=share

www.youtube.com

Summer Just Started & it's half over already...

2011-07-09T01:30:00.007-04:00

Good Lord. It's half way thru summer, haven't even been in the above ground pool that often yet. It has rained a lot, altho' it has finally gotten steamy hot around town.

Problem is my Doris. Poor baby went in for a check up & ekg. came out with the whole complex panicing over ATRIAL FIBRILLATION showing up on her cardiac squiggles. They threw her in the URGENT CARE walk-in clinic there, took chest xrays, tons of blood, & hours later put her on Coumidin.

Henceforth we have been to the Dr's 3 times a week for the 4 weeks of June. She went to a cardiologist, had a stress test, an echo cardiogram (where I nearly cried just seeing her heart beating - the heart I love so much,) swallowed iodine & radioactivity for an endocrinologist to check out her thyroid, & has gone twice a week to the coumidin clinic trying to get that med regulated.

Sigh. I think everything will be okay. But it just is a reminder that we ain't gettin' any younger, D is 75. I can't stand the thought of her dying. Or me either for that matter. We just aren't ready to leave this life. I don't know WHAT I'd do without her, or how I'd even be able to go on. She would do much better going on without me than I would without her. It's just the way it is.

Her sister just passed away one night. That's how death comes, like a thief in the night.

Since I'd like to live a bit longer, it would behove me to get a grip on my ever-expanding girth. My GOD, I can NOT stop eating cake with icing & all the bbq from summer parties & butter popcorn at all the movies. I am back up to 194. Motherfucking fucker.

Just went to a Club EWR summer party & look mammoth in the photos. I miss all my Flight Attendants. They are so sweet & FUNNY & they actually miss me too. I was embarrassed at how fat I looked, I'm sure it will go all over the system - 'OMG - Kathy has gained SO much weight since she retired....' Funny thing is tho', they always give me so much respect & act so glad to see me. FA's are always So sweet! To me at least.
.

Goodbye Party for MaryPat

Passengers From the Past!

2011-06-05T12:13:00.021-04:00

After retirement I just can not remember all the celebrities I've served onboard. Here are some of them...

Adrian Pasdar

Adrienne Barbeau

Aida Tuturo

Alan Arkin

Alan Thicke

Alicia Silverstone

Alissa Milano

Alyson Hannigan

Alfre' Woodward

Andie McDowell

Andy Richter

Annabeth Gish

Annie Potts

Ann Coulter

Amber Tiffany Thiesen

Amy Madigan

Artie Lang

Attallah Shabazz

Babara Bush

Babyface

Barry Newman

BB King

Bea Arthur

Bella Abzug

Ben Vereen

Bernadette Peters

Betty Friedan

Bill Cosby

Bill Hadar

Billy Davis

Billy Preston

Bill Murray

BJ Thomas

Bobby Brown

Bobby Jones

Bo Derrick

Boy George O'Dowd

Brandy Roderick

Brian McKnight

Brittany Murphy

Broderick Crawford

Brynn Thayer

Buck Owens

Burt Bacharach

Candice Bergen

Carl Lewis

Carmen Electra

Carmine Gianovazono

Carol Kane

Chaka Khan

Char

Chad Lowe

Chandra Wilson

Charlotte Rae

Chaz Bono

Cheryl Tiegs

Chris Rock

Chris O'Donnell

Christy Turlington

Connie Selleca

Dale Evans

David Brenner

David Brown

David Caradine

Deborah Harry

Delta Burke

Dee Wallace

Dennis Farina

Diahnn Carrol

Dion

Dionne Warwick

Dixie Carter

Donna Summer

Dottie West

Drew Carey

Dr Christiane Northrup

Dr Joyce Brothers

Eartha Kitt

Edie Falco

Emilou Harris

Emily Proctor

Eric Estrada

Eva LaRue

Evan Handle

Eve

Faith Evans

Faye Dunaway

Florence Henderson

Frankie Valli

Frank Sinatra Jr

50 Cents

Gail King

Garrett Morris

George Wendt

Gina Gershon

Gena Lee Nolan

George Jones

Gerald McRainey

Geraldo Rivera

Gloria Steinam

Gloria Reuben

Golden Brooks

Gwen Verdon

Harry Belafonte

Harry Hamlin

Hayden Panitierre

Helen Gurley Brown

Holly Hunter

Ice T

Jack Benny

Jackie Mason

Jacob Dillon

Jamie Lynn Siegler

James Baldwin

James Olmos

Jane Krakowski

Jane Meadows

Jason Patric

Jennifer Lewis

Jennifer O'Neil

Jerry Lewis

Jean Smart

Jessie Jackson

Jessie James

Johnny Cochran

Jill Larsen

Jill Scott

Jim Belushi

Jimmy Fallon

Joan Collins

Joan Rivers

JoAnna Kerns

John Cusack

John Derrick

John Forgerty

John Shuck (mcmillon/wife)

John Tesh

John Edwards psycic

Jolie Fisher

Jolie Gabor

Jon Bon Jovi

Jon Lovitz

Joyce DeWitt

Judge Christina Milian

Julia Childs

Julie Wilson

Justine Simmons

Kate Winslet

Kathy Kinney

KD Lang

Karl Malden

Kelly McGillis

Kelly Rowland

Kristen Bell

Kristy Turlington

Laurence Fishburn

Lee Meriwether

Liev Schriber

Little Kim

Loretta Divine

Loretta Switt

Louise Mandrell

Lou Rawls

Lynn Sherr

MacKenzie Phillips

Mandy Moore

Mathew St Patrick

Marissa Tomei'

Marlee Matlin

Marilyn McCoo

Martin Mull

Marcia Gay Harden

Mary Higgins Clarke

Mathew Knowles

Mariel Hemmingway

Marishka Hargity

Marlo Thomas

Mark Stienes

Mary Gross

Mathew Cowell (baranski husband)

Mellisa Joan Hart

Merideth MacRae

Meryl Streep

Michael Douglas

Michael McDonald (commedian)

Michael Nouri

Michael Strahan

Michelle Lee

Mickey Hargity

Mickey Rooney

Missy Elliott

Mitzie Gaynor

Molly Ringwald

Molly Simms

Montel Williams

Morgan Freeman

Morganna King

Mr Rodgers

Neil Patrick Harris

Nicole Murphy

Nina Simone

Ossie Davis

Pam Dawber

Parker Posey

Pat Boone

Pat Paulsen

Patti LaBelle

Paula Prentiss

Paul Mooney

Paul Reiser

Peggy Fleming

Peri Gilpin

Peter Bergman

Pee Wee Herman (Paul Reubens)

Polly Draper (Michael Wolff)

Queen Latifa (Dana Owens)

Rachel Ticotin

Ralph Nader

Ray Charles

Rev Run

Richard Benjamin

Richard Lewis

Ricky Nelson

Robert Redford

Ron Silver

Rosanne Cash

Rosie O'Donnell

Ruby Dee

Sam Waterson

Sandra Bernhardt

Sandra Bullock

Sandy Duncan

Sarah Michele Geller

Savion Glover

Scarlet Johansen

Sean Astin

Scott Hamilton

Scott Wolff

Smokey Robinson

Stephanie Powers

Steve Guttenberg

Susan Lucci

Sylvia Browne

Tamara Tuni

Tanya Tucker

Tate Donavan

Tom Arnold

Tom Brokaw

Tony Bennett

Tony Dorsett

Tony Orlando

Tony Randall

Tony Shaloub

Tyson Beckford

Van Johnson

Vickie Lawrence

Victoria Beckham

Victoria Jackson

Vincent Irizarry

Virginia Maddsen

Vonetta McKee

Walter Mathaeu

Wanda Sykes

Wendy O. Williams

Wesley Snipes

Whitney Houston

William Hurt

Willie Garson

Will Farrell

Wycliff Jean

Wynonna Judd

Damn, I'm 64!!!

2011-05-25T23:48:00.003-04:00

May 24th is my favorite day!
Because we were adopted,
my Mother always made sure
that my brother's & MY birthday
was the most special day of the year!

Gotta give to to her,
she went all out each time,
& really made us happy on these days!

His is June 12th,
And we never fail to call each other
& reminisce on Mother's gigantic efforts -
while subconsciously
carrying on the tradition
of showing the other we choose us!

Anyway,
Tue May 24th I turned 64!

I felt excited & happy!
Not everybody GETS to be 64, you know?!

I didn't chide myself
for becoming old, fat & dumpy...

I can walk,
talk,
feed myself (uh- OBVIOUSLY,)
think in my right mind,
(usually...)

Heck - I am glorious!

Doris had a big butterfly balloon,
& 3 smaller balloons for me!
(love them!)
- 3 wonderful cards,
& beautiful flowers!
Went out for a quiet dinner
@ The Olive Garden,
then home
for the finale of Dancing With the Stars!

I felt HAPPY
& at peace all day.

What Me Worry?
We are BLESSED.

Retirement makes us giddy
& birthdays are now
just another wonderful day
to remind us how lucky we are
to have our lives together!

Another time
I shall write about feeling disgruntled
about the bitch of aging (un)gracefully.
But mercifully not tonight!
.

The Last day of April

2011-04-30T23:08:00.009-04:00

Finally!
It's (a bit) warmer,
grass is green,
flowers are poppin',
trees are getting their leaves.
Alleluia & thankya Jesus!!!

It is looking like spring,
altho' it still rains constantly
and gets cold enough for sweatshirts & jackets.

I really don't think there will BE
a spring this year,
one day we'll just wake up
& it will be blisteringly HOT.

This was the WORST winter ever.
It sucked.

God how I wish I lived in LA again.
But then, that was back in '68
when it was truly beautiful
& seemingly glamorous!

I was SO lucky to experience
a slice of life there then!
Still a virgin, tucked into a cocoon
of my parental family gorgeous home
up in the hills of Santa Ana/Tustin
in Orange County!

Beautiful eucalyptus & palm trees,
a small, graceful swimming pool in the back yard
& a fabulous view of El Toro AFB, with
trees & a distant lake
with sparkling lights
miles off the back yard's cliff's vista!
Ahhh those were the days,
if only I had know it.

Joni Mitchell was right,
"You just NEVER know what you got till it's gone."
No matter where I lived it's been like that,
and satisfaction eluded me...
all I ever wanted to do was
LEAVE & go to the next "mecca."

Except maybe for NYC!!!!
Turned native
the first minute
I stepped out on the streets
& KNEW
that was where I belonged!!
Yes, Bright Lights Big City,
being anonymous
in the thundering crowds,
Totally seductive!!!

GOD it was exciting,
a smorgasbord of thrills & experiences,
new friends,
new flying job,
new adult life,
sex drugs & discos!

And there I stayed for 27 years
where I fell in & out of love,
got my heart broken 4 or more times,
lost count...
became a pot & cocaine addict,
came out,
got sober &
grew up.

The energy there was ELECTRIC
& I LOVED it.

But when my tiny studio apt rent
went up to $1000/mo
I finally relented,
went house shopping with my dear Lover
& moved to NJ 17 years ago.

So here I sit,
now retired from a hard working job,
and joyful I'm still alive to tell the tale!

Life is really wonderful
so shouldn't I be satisfied
and just "bloom where I am planted?"

It's just those Damn WINTERS.
What can I tell ya?
.

I Am a Gut Butt

2011-04-18T00:08:00.002-04:00

Worked out hard at the gym today.
Elliptical 30 min
Machines 20 min
100 sit ups
21 laps in the pool.

Damn all those pancakes I gobbled down for TWO effin' days.
I have gain 2 more lbs. So I gotta try to WORK it off before weigh-in @ ww on wed.
I love pancakes & maple syrup.
I am such a FUCKING food addict.

I gotta get recommitted & strict.
Damn Damn Damn.

I'm a FOOL for Retirement!!!

2011-04-09T02:13:00.012-04:00

Apr 1st was my one year retirement anniversary!
April Fools day - I was a fool for not leaving @ 60
& trying to wait for social security @ 65
Hence having to basically "quit"
Because I had become injured,
Couldn't walk with heel spurs
& major hip pain.

Yep Yep got old before my time...
creak creak.

I was deliriously ecstatic last year
When MY time finally came
To STOP:

The madness

The STRESS

The insanely physical (over)work

Turbulence

Terrorism alerts

Cleaning vomit
& other bodily fluids

Defibulators & oxygen

MMR CCC

The sleepless nights -
Worrying about next day sign-ins

Less pay for harder days

Divas & Dumbasses

Wake-up calls 3hrs earlier just to have
Time to load on the (kabuki)make-up & War paint
To try to hide
My Drooping
Aging
Face

Charging 900 mph up & down the aisles
Day in & day out

Kissing Ass(es)

Pleasing Psgrs

And pilots

And other FA's

And working with other not as professional FA's
(ie lazy buttholes who didn't want to work)

Having to leave home

Missing Doris

and Most of all
Not being appreciated
While fearing getting fired.

42 years of all that-
Truly amazing.
No wonder I was such a bitch!

And now that I've chilled.......
Life is Sweet!
And so is SLEEP!!!

Peace be mine.

Freedom!
Thy name is delirium.
...So wonderful.
SO blessed.

New Glasses!

2011-03-13T13:27:00.009-04:00

New glasses.... whatever...
Always gotta get used to them.
Would never want to be 20 again...
But sure would like
To LOOK how I did then!

Would actually love to look 30 or 40, even!
The 50's and getting used to the 'PAUSE'
Totally took it out of me.

Now I have to try settling into the
More mature me in my 60's.
Love the 60's,
But looking like this ain't so easy
For one who used to always look fabulous...

I think it is harder on D
Since she has to actually see me everyday
As the mature version
Of the glamorous Babe
She fell in love with.
She is still keeping up her gorgeousness-
Makeup, divine clothes & shoes,
Still with the flare of a moviestar!

Me...
Since retiring I have let go -
No makeup,
Sweats & jeans,
Huge teeshirts &
Running shoes I SIT around in, haha.
To me it is True freedom!

But let's face it -
I look like shit.
Really OLD.
Older than I feel -
And I do feel old.
I've gotten frumpy.

Okay then SO...
I have rejoined Curves
So I shall start moving more -
Even if only for those 30 minutes a day.
I am amazed at
how much better I feel &
how much more stamina I have now!
Pretty exciting.
Even tho I HATE going.

Would rather just not move
Lay around
Watch TV
And sleep.
I AM still tired after all.

Well YOU try & fly overtime every month
For 42 fucking years
And just see if YOU
Don't have terminal jet lag.

I have only been able
To get myself to the gym
To work out once a week.
So adding Curves
Back to the equation seems
To be helping!

Hope to stop yoyo-ing
With my damn weight.
Need to loose 50 lbs &
Maybe my gross jowls will go down.

Aiming for dropping 15 lbs by summer.
At least I'm on a better path now.
.

I'm Sad.

2011-03-06T11:38:00.004-05:00

This will be boring, I am writing it down just to get it out.

D & I just went to Sis' house (her beloved sister who passed away about a month ago) to pick up some clothes. Her husband didn't want me to come in saying he wanted FAMILY only.

okaaaaay.... (wtf?) (we've been together for 29yrs but whatever.)

So I'm on the front steps & can HEAR him SCREAMING at the top of his lungs inside, ranting & raving about ME... huh????
He had heard I had come into some money & had said "don't tell Sis" & somebody told her & that had hurt her feelings SO bad. He was FURIOUS I had hurt his wife. (Like his decades of fucking around with his mistress didn't break her heart.)

Say WHAT?? When did I ever come into any money???
And WHY would I even say something like that if I did?
Sis had always been generous to me, as was her daughter & husband. Buying me dinners & having me over for holiday dinners. Each xmas I put together 10 huge picture albums for each family members that cost Thousands of $$$ to show my appreciation. It chronicled all the kids & grandkids growing up & is something they shall have for decades to come when everyone is old & gray. Also I did often pay for sis' dinners when she went out to eat with Doris & I.

So I was in shock to hear this & asked D what the hell he said - I has gone to sit in the car cause it was cold - she replied she didnt know, she just sat there on the couch staring at him until he cooled down & that he is crazy. (He DOES blather on these days.)

I wracked my mind trying to remember what or when I could have said or done this. Sis had been cold to me for quite a few years now, but I had ThOUGHT it was because I never told her that her husband had been having an affair. It had hurt MY feelings that we no longer seemed close. But I just blew it off because what could I do.

Finally I called an 80yr old cousin that was close to sis & D & asked if sis had ever said this to her?

SHE SAID YES, that Sis had told her & that it had really hurt her feelings. Say WHA????? Now I was REALLY baffled because I have NO memory or CLUE of this, Plus NOW I felt really bad I had done something to hurt Sis. FUCK. Why hadn't SOMEone said something so it could have all been cleared up &/or I could have apologized??

So now I'm trying to figure it out. Like MAYBE I had gotten a tax refund & joked to D 'don't tell Sis' (but WHY would I have done that?) & then Doris told her what I said. That's ALL I can think of.

You see Sis was D's big confidant. And Doris must have bitched to Sis about EVERYTHING that bugged her about me. Which is plenty. And D was PROUD to have taken Sis out to eat so often (her husband had CUT HER OFF after Sis had gone out & spent ALL his money (Thousands & thousands) - everything in his savings - she was so pissed about his "whore" on the side.) He even didn't get her another car when her Lexus lease was up so D had to take her everywhere.

So I think Doris did it, - even tho' she is acting like she has no idea and what the hell is going on here. I am SO furious AND hurt that she felt a need to say something like this to make herself seem to Sis that D is the only one who cared SO much about sis that she would spend all her money taking care of her.

No wonder Sis was so cold to me in the end.

Well I want to explode & scream at D, BUT she has bad blood pressure & is already so depressed, down & out the Sis is DEAD. She has nobody to bitch to anymore. And I do know she loved & treasured her SO dearly. Probably more than me if I want to be real about it. She is having a HARD time dealing with the lonliness of not having her favorite sister.

So I shall just have to swallow the disappointment & feelings of betrayal. In the end I suppose it's not that important.
In fact it seems so stupid.

I always am over-complaining about being broke & not having enough money. D & Sis thought I was always being petty & ridiculous to talk about it so much & also tell everybody. Yet & STILL they are the money fuck-ups & MONEY has always meant the MOST to them. And I feel pretty sure that Doris would not be with me & put up with all my shit if I weren't able to pay for so much & spend money on HER. I HAVE always tried to take good care of her & make no mistake about it Doris IS expensive.

So anyway. What the fuck ever. That is where I am today. Guess we'll all get over this sooner or later. Guess I'll try for sooner.

Where is my antidepressant?
.

Bathtub Stress

2011-02-25T00:45:00.005-05:00

Got a new whirlpool tub to replace the new CRACKED tub.
It is VERY nice, altho' it was a definate nightmare redoing it all.
Phew! So GLAD it is over now. I truly HATE having men in the house. Hate it.

Gained another 2.8 lbs from the hibernating with all the blizzards & snow. That about brings it up to 10lbs. I am a jerk. The sad thing is I really LOVE just laying around watching tv all day & , oh yeah - EATING cake, cookies, PANcakes & other crap. What the HELL am I going to do with myself? It is SUCH a struggle to get my fat ass back on track, let alone to the gym.

I can hear Doris' dead sister hollering down - You're Next!
Not kidding, I really heard that.

Bought new red glasses today, they'll be ready in 10 days.

Then got my teeth whitened. They don't look that much whiter, so I plan on going back. My face is fat now so maybe I can take the focus off my chipmunk cheeks & blind folks with my choppers.
HAH!

Winter is Boring

2011-02-13T01:43:00.004-05:00

Another month has passed without writing, so much has happened that i can't even recall so I'll try free-association...

Doris' favorite Sister passed away in her sleep, it was a terrible shock for everyone. Doris is devastated, they went everywhere together & were like 2 peas in a pod. She can barely handle it, I feel so bad for her. As for me - I'm grateful it wasn't D.

Doris' younger son is still in town & Doris runs to save him when he can't pay for his blood pressure meds, doesn't have any food (since he DOESN'T work,) etc. He is living rent -free in her other sister's apartment. Women ALWAYS run to this man's (& I use the term loosely) rescue. It still disgusts me. D adores him. I adore D. I am stuck with her fucked-up kid & her fucked-up behavior around him... And she actually doesn't get why he makes me sick. I try to ignore it all - doesn't look like it's gona change. ever.
fuck me.

I've been binging on cake, candy & cookies since D's 75th bday last month & have gained 8 lbs back. damn. Also it's the whole hibernation thing - staying in all winter from ALL the snow storms. Just eating too much & making bad choices. I have GOT to get a fucking grip on food again because it already took so long to loose that fucking 8 lbs & now I have to do it all over again before it gets worse.

I hate winter.
I get fat & boring.

1/11/11

2011-01-11T11:47:00.007-05:00

Awoke this morning to cold air blowing out of the damn furnace.
O>M>G!!!!! FREEZING!

This with another snow storm falling sometime tonight.
Panic Panic Panic!!!!

What to do? What to do?
Had immediate diarrhea (sorry - this happens whenever I freak.)

So my beloved Doris went down to the basement.
Turned off the furnace switch.
Waited 10 minutes.
Turned the furnace switch back ON and
T H A N K Y O U J E S U S !!!!!!
The FIRE lit up & the blower came back on!!!
She's such a genius!

WE HAVE HEAT!!!!!!!

phew!

Alleluia to God Goddess Universe!!!

So this just reminds me how much I am grateful for
And the 'little' things I so often take for granted,
Even tho I pray & give thanks each day!

Thank You God for everything You have given me!

63 years of LIFE!

Heat

Food

House

Car

Health

Electricity

TV

Past Pets

Parents who adopted me

My doofus brother :)

My best friend TINA growing up to share misery with

Retiring from a good job without getting fired first after 42 years!

Retirement checks

Social Security

WW

Great shrinks in the past that healed me

antidepressants

AA, DA, SIA, CA, OA, all the anonymous meetings that helped me get real & live clean & sober

30 yrs clean & dry

So Many Wonderful Flight Attendants I worked with

My Mac laptop

Fb

Blogs

Email

Laughter

And most of all
Doris and her Love!
usually - ha!

Thank you Thank you Thank you
God Goddess Universe Thank YOU!
I Am So Blessed.

1/1/11

2011-01-01T19:44:00.007-05:00

Just re-read last new year's resolutions, which was to loose weight. And to clean my room.

Well I did loose 25 lbs. Gee-that's not so much. But it is DEFinately better than nothing. So if I can get 25 more off this year, I'll be closer to 'normal.' At least I don't look as obese as last year! Thank you Jesus!

And I am better at cleaning the house this year, BUT my closet room has never looked worse.

However it's because I threw a bunch of stuff in there from the bathroom when we were having it 'renovated'... & I use THAT term loosely... then about 50 folded tee shirts fell off a top shelf onto my desk chair & I've just left them there. So what, that's my feeling... bfd. BUT now I'll have to tackle all that this year. Doris is still calling me a hoarder. So I have started calling her one too. Very grown up. She has a lot of clothes too... She's just more organized with them all. So There, ha!

The big tub we put in the bathroom has a foot long crack in the side from which water cascades all over the fucking basement. Just great.
No more long soaking baths.
Back to the whirlpool a the gym.
Until I figure out what to do.-
Looking for the receipt from Home Depot.

I am trying to quit diet coke. Had 1 the other night & it kept me up till dawn. I need to drink more H2o. Stopping diet coke for 2 weeks I only lost .4 lbs sheesh. I miss it & thought it was keeping me from drinking more water & loosing more weight.

Just got over a cold from thanksgiving & NOW I am coming down with another one after Xmas. Both colds I got from one of the grandkids coming to the house to 'celebrate' deathly sick with horrible colds. (read double pneumonia) I hope this one doesn't go into a flu, cause that's what happened to the infected kids last week.

Seriously. Big pet peeve: If you are sick & have a BAD cold would you PLEASE stay home & not infect us all??? No matter WHO you are. It's so fucking wrong.

Other than that, Thanksgiving & Christmas were great with all of D's kids & grandkids coming over both days. Sweetface was so happy with them all here & I am kinda liking not having to drive 2 hrs coming & going to cousin Michelle's for the holidays. We just waited here for them to arrive, then climbed up to bed once they left!! It really was great.

Do I need to say it again; Retirement is FABULOUS!?! So good.

Doris & I are getting along swell this year. Thank you Jesus!

I am trying to be cool & genuine about accepting the younger son for who he is. Even tho' he is still not living up to what I think could be his full potential, but that's just my judgment, which has nothing to do with reality...

Even tho' his reality to me is disappointing, I am trying to let go of my condescending thougths of him not to mention any disgust.
Even when he was picked up on an OLD bench warrant for child support from Dtw 2 weeks ago & thrown in jail for 4 days.

Tho' I wasn't going to post bail for him, I was glad when he did get out the day before Xmas - without having to pay Anything - ! Seems he always amazingly gets by somehow so why do I even worry or fret? And I was relieved because my Poopsie was relieved & happy he wouldn't spend Christmas in the pokie & would be here with the rest of the fam.

So not easy to feel loving towards him when he gets so many women to do any & everything for him. (Which includes his mother, Aunt Barbara & sister Sharon... not to mention any other female who looks in his direction.) Which is weird since he's lost half his teeth. Straight women are just SO desperate.

Oh & get this: he told me he is going home & getting back on welfare so he can get his teeth fixed for free. (smh.) sigh.
I really need to go to a dentist but have no coverage in retirement. And this, & every other lazybutt, can get free dental work AND teeth replaced on welfare. It's the first time I've ever thought about going Republican.

Now that would be shocking.

Happy New Year to us all!

Saying Godbye To BooBoo

2010-12-15T10:45:00.012-05:00

My sweet little BooBoo was put to sleep at 1130 on Mon Dec 13, 2010 when the surgeon operating on her determined cancer in her upper R. jaw was spreading to her eye, which had been closing for weeks.

He kept her under anesthesia so she was already asleep, & we went to the hospital to be with her when they put her down. I called on Roxie & Panther to meet her in heaven, leaned down & said to go to the light BooBoo. We petted her head, stroked her body, told her We Love Her, laid our hands on her soft fur as the final shots were given to send her to peaceful rest without pain. God it was sad.

Our tears pouring, the nurses helped us wrap her in clean towels & we took her home. We dug yet another hole & buried her in the back yard next to her brother & sister Panther & Roxie. Doesn't everyone have a pet cemetery in the back yard?

It all happened so fast. I had just taken her to the vet 2 days before & heard the news - $1500 for surgery she desperately needed. I was in shock as I applied for pet care credit then went home to talk to D about should I do this? To her credit, she didn't hesitate & said Yes. Made the appointment for mon morn. Had her in my arms & on my legs late Sun night, rubbing & smooshing on her, scratching her belly which she always loved. I hugged her, told her I loved her madly & she would feel so much better after her operation tomorrow.

She got no food or water & I know she so hungry & thirsty when I took her in for the consultation with the surgeon before the surgery. When he looked inside her mouth I could tell by his face & the "ooooh!" my heart dropped. He said to me if I get in there & it's too bad it would be kinder to the kitty to put her down then & not bring her out of the anesthesia, would you be okay with that? I said just call me so I can come & be with her in her final moments. I hugged & kissed BooBoo, told her 'I love you' before handing her over, & they walked out the door. I started crying, even tho' I still had hope. I was in such denial.

I was in denial the whole year when her teeth started getting bad & infected. Since I had no money I didn't take her in. I am the worst mother. I could have taken care of this in the beginning, $5oo would have been easier to take than $1500. I would have had my beautiful pussycat maybe another year at least. Maybe even more. I am so regretful & guilty. Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.

I am so grateful for our 17yrs with my wonderful BooBoo. She was So SWEET, such a good little girl. I miss so much snuggling my face in her warm, soft fur as she purred out her contentment. I really loved that.

I'll always love you Boobula. You were my joy. Sleep well in peace, my beautiful little furbaby. I miss you madly.

Miracles Before Xmas!!

2010-12-05T20:27:00.002-05:00

Miracles are happening around here in abundance!
I must say, God has amazed me.
No lie.

With all the virulent hate & lust for vengeance I displayed 2 entries ago...
then the plea & desire to change & let go of those issues in my last entry...

It's been like magic. And I have truly beheld miracles this past week.

The #2 son is STILL here. That in itself is just wierd... usually he's gone in 1 day, maybe 2. And normally I would have jumped out the window by now. But we are getting along fine...
or so it seems to me.

He has reconnected with the mother of his children at our Thanksgiving dinner... The woman he'd dumped when the boys were so little, moved to Dtw & married another woman. Then never paid any child support thru the years, totally abandoning them all, neglecting his own beautiful kids for 2 decades.

Well they have decided to move into an apt & get back together! Now never in a million years would I have thought this would happen. God works in mysterious ways. I am in shock.

Also our sewer backed up... shit & piss floating in the basement sinks... It was lovely. The miracle was the plummer I called (the man who did our bathroom/kitchen renovations) came right away & fixed it. Paid $145. It was worth it.

An Old Hurdle To Jump

2010-12-01T10:18:00.005-05:00

Hate Resentment Fear...
Not attractive on me
or anyone...
I'm not happy carrying so much pain.

Pain & Disgust.

I have done so well with being positive
Esp since retirement!
So this is like
Falling back into a cesspool of negativity.

Giving my power up
To a force that is so beyond unpleasant.
A Man that is so beyond having a conscious..
Oh hell, there I go judging again...

How do I just leave it all alone &
Live in harmony
with myself,
with my lover,
& with her younger (47) son

God help me!
I immediately think
of so many
names I want to call him...
I gotta figure out how to just give it up.

He's not changing.
He's still here (day 7)
D (& everybody else) LOVES him
How do I forgive the past
(Everybody else has)
And love him too?

I'm the one who has to change.

I'm still feeling the rage
of my last entry.

Please!
Let me just
Give it up.
This is my prayer.

But how?

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-26T15:00:00.011-05:00

OMG!!! I got thru the big
THANKSGIVING ordeal this year!
Because
It ended up being NOT such an ordeal.
It was great.

This is what happened...
D's niece & sister
decided they felt like crap
& didn't want to do Thanksgiving.
Can't blame 'em for that!
It is hard work.
But still
they had it @ Keaven's (nephew)
However we weren't invited
like always in the past.
Hmmm. Wonder why?
But ANYWAY...

My beloved decided that
since we have a new bathroom
& kitchen renovation
She is no longer embarrassed to invite
ALL her children
& grandchildren to the house!
Okay, I understand.

BUT

This meant forking over a damn bus ticket for her youngest son (uhm, 47yrs - okay)

Who totally neglected his wonderful children for decades,
Sons who are now 21 & 18,
Never even sent child support
Tho' they love him more than anyone.

Who has NEVER once come this way
from Dtw on his own,

Always pleeds broke
to his (dumbass) mother - my beloved,

who even tho' she can't pay all her bills
& creditors call her out the whazoo -

STILL buys that piss-ass fuck-off
a $130 greyhound ticket
so she can SEE the little butthole
she loves so dearly.

"He's MY SON, I need to see he's okay...
I'm just grateful he's not in prison
or a drug addict..."

mmmmkay.

Each year I go thru the resentment

of having this bullshit con-artist,

STANKASS,

barf for brains

Bastard!

Lay all over my couch,

Constantly use the phone,

Eat everything in the house,

Not give his sons who adore to see him
Or his Mother
the time of day...

I fucking can't stand this dipshit douchebag.

But I digress..

Babydoll worked like a damn kitchen slave,
I worked my ass off vacuming & dusting & shining...
Everything was ready on time,
They all came late,
The food was DEVINE,
Everyone was So Happy to be here @ Grandma's house,
(guess I just live here...)
All were EXCITED the above mentioned jackass is here,
Girlfriend was estatic to have all her family around her,
And we were both proud we did it ourselves!

All in all, it was GREAT!
Allbeit
Loud & Chaotic...!

And 2 days later Herman (the looser..)
(Who changed his own name
& now goes by Asmar..)
Okay
She shouldn't have named him Herman
After his father...

(ASS mar) imo...ha!

Is still here
Downstairs
On the couch.

Great.

Says he'll be here
for 2 weeks.

Shoot me now.

Remodeling Life

2010-11-09T00:23:00.004-05:00

Seriously...
Renovating the bathroom & kitchen is NOT FUN.

Crap.

Yeah okay, there are no more leaks in either room...
And it does look better.
I put a deeper tub in, thank you Jesus.
And a higher toilet that is 'wheelchair level.'
Ya never know when you'll need one of those...

But here's the thing.
You get what you pay for...
And we went with Lover Girl's Son's Friend, "the plumber."
So he can change sinks & tubs - sorta...

But his tile abilities suck... the grout is still everywhere... plaster & paint in the sinks... Filth tracked in & out out the house & carpet... And some of the tiles are already moving around the window when I put curtains back up. Lord knows how long the rest will last...

AND I still spent a shit load of cash...
All the money I had wanted to buy a new RV with a bigger bed...
But Lover Girl said NOOOO, we have too many problems to fix in the house.

So the fixing has begun.
I don't think it will ever stop - there is just toooo much.
Although we put a good dent into it
and Sweetface is happy.
Me?
I'm happy she's happy.

But what a crap lesson to learn -
to go with a more expensive professional.
It's not like Dorko & his lame cronies didn't try.
They really worked hard.
REALLY hard, huffing & panting...
They just aren't that good at it.
And Don't even KNOW they suck at it.
Pathetically.
Really BAD.
Which is just very sad.

For all of us.

But for my True Love & I -
It is still better than before...
And we shall continue to fix the joint up...
And not be so embarrassed when relatives drop by.
Maybe...
Sooner or later
One day at a time.

How QUICKLY I Forgot

2010-10-07T01:15:00.004-04:00

Lost 2.2 lbs @ WW weigh-in today! That brings me to 24 & 1/2 lbs lost -ALmost 25 lbs! since June. I should be lookin' mighty fine by next summer, yay!

It is SUCH a relief to be dropping all this tonnage, LAWD KNOWS I need to - hoping the hip pain & heel spurs will improve again...(seemed to be so much better in the summer @ the beach but NOW it is hurting again.)

Maybe all the rain & the cool fall dampness has brought back the shooting, throbbing, stabbing twinges. Obviously I still need to loose another 25.. & hopefully I shall since I did it before. So then perhaps more relief...

Went to a wonderful luncheon for Flight Attendants that fly out of Newark! Club EWR we are called, I miss them all so much.

I really don't get that close to people in every day life since I have my Doris to focus on...that is a 24/7 commitment!

BUT when I flew for 42yrs I got so attached to the fabulous, crazy, & fun nutcases I worked with thru the decades!

It has left quite an empty hole (& we ALL know what a waste THAT can be!) in my life that I abruptly had to adjust to in April when I retired. Thankfully many of them are on fb so we all keep up with each other.

I have slowed down quite a bit since that hectic flying pace. Being around my sky babes - they zoomed around the room 90 mph visiting with each other, still manic as shit!

By the time I left I was back in that groove & when I got home found myself frantic & unsettled. Took me awhile to come down from the excitement, just as it always took us time to 'decompress' from a trip driving home & entering back into a normal reality.

I had forgotten about all that. Living life in a constant state of high pressure & intensity, always effervescent & on the run!

Shit, no wonder I was so damn exhausted. No wonder I still love & bask in laying in bed all day even now!

I'm glad I don't miss that life - only the people in it.
Flight Attendants are just a different breed of Superwomen & men! It was a great job & I am grateful I was so good at it!

But I am even HAPPIER to be out of it now. Phew!
What a fucking relief.
.

Club EWR F/A Luncheon September 30, 2010

2010-10-04T17:02:00.000-04:00

Oct 1, 2010

2010-10-01T23:32:00.004-04:00

Holy shit balls, it's October FIRST already.
Lots of RAIN lately.
I miss the sun.
And the beach.
Now I gotta
Straighten up this damn house.
groan~~~~~.

Thought I was gona trade in my old RV
for a newer one with a bigger bed.
But noooOOOOoooo...
It is more prudent to spend the $10,000
on fixing up the little abode that has
fallen down around our ears for 17yrs.

Okay.
I'll try to suck it up
& be a responsible adult before
I die.
Maybe.
Grumbling over here.

Besides,
It's already getting too cold to
Sleep out at the shore
Or the Poconos
Or the driveway... HAHA!
So that WOULD be stupid.
Or at the very least
Not bright.

Other than THAT
Life is still solidly
GREAT!

Got a flu shot today.
But no longer have to be
So paranoid about getting SICK,
Since I DON'T HAVE TO FLY anymore!!!!!!!!!
Oh thankyou God!
.

Phew! Missed the Hurricane!

2010-09-18T17:29:00.003-04:00

Life is so great! I do NOT like that the weather is cooler, but what the hell can I do about it? I guess the only reason I love the heat so much is I can immediately cool off in our above ground pool. I feel I always have to qualify that because it isn't a REAL in-ground, fabulous, gorgeous pool. But it is really great & 4 ft deep & big so I love it! Now it would be freezing so POOhie! Gotta wait till next summer rolls around again, & I don't even wanna think about the damn weather coming shortly. Just grateful we missed the last hurricane a few days ago. SHIT, it was bad.
Thank you GOD.

The End of Summer

2010-08-31T18:54:00.003-04:00

Been spending weekends at the shore, so loving it! This summer has zoomed by & this is the last day of August 2010.
No No NO!
I don't want summer to end...! I Love it so much I could cry.
All this Halloween & Thanksgiving crap in the stores already. Blaa.

Sleeping in the RV is not easy - that is one small bed.
Girlfriend can easily sack out anywhere, but not me.
I had a 3 inch piece of hard foam made to go down the center of the RV & that was very comfy. Until I woke up freezing my ass off & jumped right back into the bed, scooching up to Sleeping Beauty. Very cozy.

I was hoping to go back this coming Labor Day Weekend, but a damn hurricane is coming, & the weather may be bad. So I scheduled a big tree to be cut down in the front yard that could fall on the neighbor's or my house. I love trees but squirrels & God knows what are able to jump onto the roof from this tree. We have already replaced one roof.

I love summer, dammit.
Really hate to see leaves starting to fall.
I really should live in LA or Fla.
Phooie.
.

WHAT DO I THINK OF FA STEVEN SLATER?

2010-08-13T22:23:00.004-04:00

Well I think he threw quite the hissy! Aside from that, I totally understand. We have all wanted to do something outrageous many times before & it is supposed to be up to us to stuff it & carry on professionally. However SOME ...motherfuckers can really push you to the edge! And believe me once you loose it, you really loose it!!! I am SO grateful I never did that.

I have however cussed many passengers OUT!! And that my dear is about the only thing great about becoming OLD... They stop in their tracks & shut the fuck up!!! (They think OMG she's Old & Pissed let me not push her further...)

I suppose the fame he IS drowning in will get old fast; books, commercials, a movie I am sure of it! But believe me MOST FA's are behind him 100%. It's just too bad there wasn't this much noteriety for all the wonderful, excellent, professional FA's that have never lost it or made a "scene."

Well that's about it.
See ya SLATER! aaaahahahahaahaha!!

August Already?????

2010-08-05T11:10:00.006-04:00

I just can not believe it's August already, let alone Aug 5th. Dang.
Life is just flying by! This always happens faster in the summertime anyway, but I so don't want it to end...

This has been the best summer ever since becoming an adult, becoming a stewardess (it was '68, okay?) & moving to Manhattan NYC for 27yrs, then moving to NJ till now (16yrs)!

Life goes SO fast... although when trudging thru the muck of past boyfriends, then past girlfriends & the basic MIRE of old LOVEs & broken hearts - it had felt at times like wallowing in quick sand & sinking straight into the hell of pain, suffering & depression!

In times of insanity life only seems to screech to a never-ending creep. Throw in working to exhaustion, no matter how much you learn to enjoy your job & love your co-workers, I often felt stuck in cement & tumbling down some fuck-tard rabbit hole where it was hard to ever see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Well Alleluia & thankya Jeeeesus I seem to have made it thru to the other side of craziness - to peace & happiness that lasts longer than time off from trips or from grumbling about my Beloved letting me down by treating me like an adopted step-child when around her immediate family!

Now that I have retired & life is fabulously sweet & slow - it is now just ZOOMing by! Finally there is time to "smell the roses," listen to the birds chirp & fly free, & watch the butterflies float thru summer & actually feel the sun on my skin & the breeze thru the trees! God I'm happy!

And grateful. To have made it this far & want it to go on & on!!!
I wasted a lot of time in my day being a pissy bitch & complaining about everybody else's bullshit. (Yeah they were all dumb, jack-ass idiots, lol!)

Well I learned so what, who cares.
I am taking each day as it comes & basking in delight!
.

Reply to Texas James @ Ourbig Gayborhood on fb

2010-08-02T12:23:00.007-04:00

A writer from OURBIG GAYBORHOOD (facebook) wrote in about living in Texas with the Republican Rules which totally suck..
Here is my reply:

I HATE Texas. Grew up there. Did the beauty queen thing, the whole bit. Got kicked out of Stephen F for dancing with a black dude at a student union dance my college jr year in ‘68… They shoulda been glad it was a boy! Luckily my family & I moved to LA that summer & I thought I’d died & gone to heaven!!! California was fabulous back then, Texas – so plain.

Of course whenever I go back to my high school reunions, rent a car & drive around the old neighborhoods I get a deep pang in my heart. It IS home after all… And Texas is cheap, easy to live well there on so much less! If those rich snotbuckets living in their HUGE mansions, driving their fine cars in their designer duds with their designer kids, noses stuck high up in the air EVER tried to live like that in New York or California or Washington or Boston etc, they MIGHT be able to afford a small cape cod with a reasonable last year’s model in the small 1-car garage… seriously.

So when I drive by my old houses, which are beautiful btw, I think what’s the problem?? I could live here & really flourish! I could retire here for pennies! My eyes get misty looking at the big sky, bluebonnets, thick st.augustine green grass we used to run barefoot thru, breathing in the sweet air where life seemed so simple…..

Well SIMPLE is an understatement… Within 3 hours driving around, I am thanking & praising God, Goddess, Universe for getting me OUT of there & delivering me to sanity! To a reality that is NOT republican in majority, narrowminded & biggoted. Bless the Gays, Lesbians & Transexuals still living there, not to mention the hets that Aren’t brainwashed & fight for equal rights for us all! Had I stayed, I would have been thrown in jail or SHOT by now!

I still love my old high school friends I grew up with & truly enjoy getting together. I still have good childhood memories. (okay, bad ones too..) I have big fondness for those who were good to me & helped me grow into the person I have now become. But would I ever move back???
Not anytime soon – if EVER!

Here are the Texas Republican Rules:

Here are a few highlights of the recently released Texas GOP platform from their website. A little “something-something” for those adorable Log Cabin Republicans to chew on (safely of course).

We support the definition of marriage as a God-ordained, legal and moral commitment only between a natural man and a natural woman, which is the foundational unit of a healthy society, and we oppose the assault on marriage by judicial activists.
We support legislation that would make it a felony to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple and for any civil official to perform a marriage ceremony for such.
We oppose the legalization of sodomy. We demand that Congress exercise its authority granted by the U.S. Constitution to withhold jurisdiction from the federal courts from cases involving sodomy.
We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous communicable diseases.
Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans.

Pathetic, no?

Contented

2010-07-29T12:08:00.003-04:00

Hi y'all.
No matter what,
I still say life is SO GREAT!!
I lost 2.2 more lbs this week @ ww.
I got out of my job without getting fired first!
I have money to pay some bills. phew!
Since 2 back injections, my hip is not as bad & I am walking better.
My heal spurs are not bothering me so much!

I am still just laying around in the morning sleeping & watching Regis, Wendy & the View... then hang downstairs to watch AMC & OLTL. So I am still not exercising. at all. Not smart.

When it was so sweltering hot the past 3 weeks, I spent a lot of time in the above ground pool & believe me it was HEAVEN! Now that it is cooler, the pool water is freezing...yikes!

Doris is grilling a lot & we eat at the big backyard table & watch tv!
That is when we are not dining out.

No excitement, BUT I feel peaceful.
And happy!

My Anniversary Week

2010-07-25T18:32:00.008-04:00

Lordie, it's hard to find time to write. Too busy doing nothing!

My beautiful Love & I celebrated our 29th anniversary on 7/17!
It's a miracle we've come this far!
Hell it's amazing we made it thru that day.

After a wonderful morning of flowers, balloons, cards & breakfast out, then floating around in our cool pool in the sweltering heat, D's sister called & said her son was having a bbq party & asked us to come. So D's nephew was throwing a neighborhood/high school reunion party & we went around the corner! It was great with tons of food, & many folks showed up.

We were there about 2 hours when I asked D to leave. She gave me the keys to the car & told me to go if I wanted. I said it's our anniversary we're supposed to be together. She said why would she want to go home to our hot house (the air conditioner broke down) with nothing to do when I could be there in the shade with her sister, nephew & niece? I said but you're supposed to want to be with me.
"I was with you all morning, You can leave if you want."

I was so hurt & also embarrased since everyone heard me ask to leave. I sat there for another 45 min then finally walked up to her & her sister & said I'm going now, I have to pee. So we left. I was so pissed. I walked out to the pool & swam & floated around, letting off steam.

30 min later she came out, lit the torches & candles, got in the pool with me under the stars & moonlight. I said now this is what I had in mind for our anniversary. I didnt mention how she is so not romantic today. Or how she always puts her effin' family first (oh fine, but I mean on our anniversary???) (On our 20th anniversary, we had to stop at a funeral home WITH HER SISTER on the way to dinner to look at this dead asshole in a casket she didnt even know because her sister's husband used to work with him in the police force - I was SO annoyed & MAD.)

I didn't mention I thought she was a jackass, & that I should come 1st. Or that she's not the only one with the patience of Jobe (which she says about me since I've retired..) Or that she really pisses me off. Or that I'm about sick of her damn family shit.

I thought about how it's not the 1st time & not the last, & maybe not that important. Seeing that I don't cook, don't really clean much (I'm somewhat of s slob) & have gained weight & gotten fat since I have hip pain... There are more important things to worry about like getting the damn airconditioner fixed, other bills payed, & appreciating the good things in our relationship instead of these fucked-up times. For once I didn't nag her about what a bitch she can be. (Everyone else sees her as SO sweet.) I just enjoyed the rest of the night. Of course there was no sex - forget it honey.

We spent the next half of the week in the pool out back staying cool. God sent a wonderful PSEG man that fixed the airconditioner without having to buy a new one, thank the Lord! Then we went to the shore on thurs, the movies on fri, & last night a gay party down the street.

All in all not a bad week. Guess I'll hang around for another year. Relationships are just not easy.
.

I'm Boring So I Have Nothing To Write About

2010-06-27T21:11:00.007-04:00

I have nothing to say anymore. It's kinda sad... Without my job I feel too boring to write... But I am NOT BORED!! Just relaxed & so happy I can hardly contain myself. I don't miss the drama & insanity. And I really don't have much at all to complain about. Even with heel spurs & a gymp hip I am deleriously happy! I wake up everyday & thank God Goddess Universe for bringing me thru my life to this point & for keeping me alive & well! I NOW LOVE MY LIFE.

Since discovering fb, I'm on everyday. I have some friends that can't be bothered with fb, let alone computers. They piss me off, but it's their choice - they now miss my whitty little gems & fun pictures - their loss because that's where I am. It has been SO FUN to stay in touch that way with my Flight Attendants & many Lesbians & Gays as well, not to mention family! It's my thing now, if ya want me I'll be there. If you're too fucking intellectual or lazy to even learn to use/work a computer so we can keep in touch - then kiss my ASS. Go be a dweeb & pick your nose.

I'm finally starting to get a grip again & seriously drop the tonnage I added back on since freaking out over that damn plane landing & evacuation in the Hudson River TWO YEARS AGO. I am starting to write my food down, drinking more water & watching portions again. Doris is cooking healthy meals. Dropped 3.4 lbs last week & I'm on my way back to the path of SANITY!!!

Living on a 'fixed income' now - when paying bills last month, I ran out of money after the 1st 2 weeks ... So now I must learn to budget better... No more picking up trips to make ends meet with overtime... which is how I broke my body down all those years after 911 anyway. Luckily Doris was able to take up the slack & we made it thru. Thank you Jesus.

D & I went to a Lesbian party last night in the neighborhood & enjoyed it. I can't help wondering how so many couples have made so much money.. those must be some really smart women!.. I try not to be envious.

Today was The Gay Pride Parade in NYC.
D picked me up after she sang in church & off we went in the grueling sun to be prideful. It took 3 hrs to find a parking spot, BUT then had window seats dining at Manatus watching everyone fly their freak flag marching by!..... What a motley crew we gays & lesbians are. I seem to remember all the boys so perfectly put together with class when I was young & the dykes looking like Connecticut housewifes with the obligatory short hairdo, kahki slacks, penny loafers & tucked in Izod shirts. Well, not today.
Everyone was a pure-dee MESS! What a riot. Whatever. I no longer look that great anymore either.

So that's about it for June. Very Blaa, I got nothing.
Yet I'm quite content!!!
I am just SO DAMN LUCKY!!! So Lucky, so blessed.
Thank you GOD. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!

I'M 63 TODAY!

2010-05-24T18:39:00.003-04:00

Hey I'm 63 today!!!
I am grateful to have made it!!! YAY!!!
This is the best birthday I ever had! Why you may ask??

Because I don't have to go back to work!!!!! EVER!!!!
Yup. The best present in life!!!

Always before I'd have to bid my birthday off (ALWAYS thought it should have been an instant holiday) & then days off around that to try & stay home from flying. But not any more!!!!
OMG It is just too great to be true!!
Life is so damn fabulous!!

My birthday was always a really BIG DEAL each year to me (maybe because I was adopted) but after retirement last month, having a birthday seems like small potatoes. Nothing is as great as retiring! It is MAJOR.

Today Doris had lots of big balloons, beautiful flowers & wonderful cards for me! Then we went to Perkins for spinach, bacon, tomato egg white omlettes & PANCAKES. YUMOLA!!

Okay I have got to seriously start dieting again tomorrow. Yeah, WW says it's not a diet, it's a LIVE IT bla bla bla. I am seriously out of control eating cakes & all kinds of crap. I am way over 200 lbs again. It has gotten to the point that I can't hide it in big 4xxxx tee shirts anymore, the butt & the gutt are taking up new zip codes.

However fuck it. For today. Which is how this has happened in the 1st place.

I am still so HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!
I'm 63 & here to tell the tale!
I love my life.

Thoughts Of being An Old Dyke in answer to Maria on "Our Big Gayborhood"

2010-05-14T02:34:00.002-04:00

I love being an Old Dyke. There’s a peaceful SAGE sorta vibe we acquire, (when we’re not attempting to spaz out like we're still 30.) I’m no longer desperate to fuck my brains out so much ( hardly ever frankly) because hot flashes have dried me out like the Sahara & well – I am rather exhausted from life in general. (I was wild & crazy back in the day & believe me it takes a toll!) I lounge around in retirement & Languish in the delight of awakening next to the most gorgeous Woman I chose for myself over 28yrs ago, & who is still Babelishes after all these decades!! I am in awe of my happiness & grateful to have made it this far in the battle of Love & Life & with the lessons I have (or haven’t) learned along the way. It is rather amazing there is still so much more to do & glean, & a relief that I no longer have to accomplish any of it if I don’t want to. There is not much more to prove to myself or anyone else, & I thank God, Goddess, Universe everyday for the honor of basking in the glow of making it to Now!

Club EWR Luncheon 2010 04.wmv

2010-05-06T14:01:00.000-04:00

Loving Retirement

2010-05-06T13:02:00.009-04:00

The Three Musketeers ~ Defying scurvy cross-country

Well Heavens to Murgatroid!
Who would ever think there is so much to do in retirement?!
Not that it's anything in particular. Just stuff.

There's so much time in the day that I stay in bed forever & languish....

REST! ahhhhhh. So under-rated. So wonderful! So easy & peaceful.

There's time to get the bills written & sent before it's too late & I'm charged for being tardy.

There's time to go to meetings.
And Dr.'s.
And the gym.
And to sit in bed & get on FB for hours.

There's time to eat out-
brunch & then dinner later if we want.
Time to meet old friends for lunch...

Went to a Club EWR (Newark Airport Flight Attendants) luncheon where they surprised me with Retirement balloons, a HUGE congratulations card with a gillion signatures & well wishes (SO COOL!) & a large sheet cake with 'Congratulations Kathy, have a Wonderful Retirement!' It was so sweet & fun. I felt SO happy!

Then a few weeks later met my buddy-bidders of over 3 decades (Pam & Marilyn - 'Parilyn') for brunch in The City with my Honey! They brought retirement balloons & beautiful pink roses! It was WONDERFUL to see them again, I miss them both SO damn much!
We laughed for 3 hrs solid & said can you believe we are all actually retired now ????

They retired 2 yrs before me at 60. I was SO depressed I couldn't afford it & a bit resentful towards D for not paying her bills so I could have retired with them. I finally got on anti-depressants last year, & felt better, less bitter & less pissy.

Anyway, I thought there would be nothing to do once one retires, but I'm shocked to find out there is even more... not that I'm doing much of it... the days seem to run out before I even think about starting to accomplish ANY chore. Not that I'm worried. I feel like I've accomplished enough for awhile...

Yawn~~~~...

Oh! Soaps are on.
Gotta go languish!

Hah! Life is SWEET!
.

DSL

2010-04-12T19:39:00.003-04:00

So after all these years, I finally got Verizon DSL - what an eye opener!
I can't believe how fast and easy it is to get everything & also I can get YouTube!
KWUELLLL!!

This is pretty exciting. I think I have to pay $100 for instalation tho'. The guy was here for 2 1/2 hours & he was a pill. The type of person that just sucks the energy out of you. I felt I was at work, trying to make some duumkoff happy.
And he LOVES Sarah Palin. That's what a dork he is. GAWD. Glad that's over with, it was worth $100 just to get rid of him.

I'm RETIRED!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-05T11:15:00.006-04:00

Free at last!
Free at last!
Thank God Almighty
I'M FREE AT LAST!!!
With apologies to Martin...!
Glory Alleluia & THANKYA Jesus!!!!

I'm so grateful,
There are barely any words to describe.
I made it out of the Airline Pit -
To the other side of LIFE.
I feel so lucky
That I got out before I got
FIRED!
Something we all work with
In the back of out minds-
At least I did-
That's just how paranoid
The company makes us.

I woke up early on APRIL 1ST
With great Joy & Ecstasy
Bubbling up from my heart!
'I'm retired!!' I whispered to myself...
And inside my head I heard
A small clear voice, "we made it!"
Hello Julia! And thank you -
You & ALL my many multiple personalities
(Julia had corralled along my way)...
Each has gotten me thru it all,
Thru my entire life thus far.

I slipped on my Crocs
& ran outside in my sleep tee.
It was still dark
& the stars sparkled extra brightly!
The sun was just starting to rise
& the birds were beginning to stir & tweet,
"Kathy's retired!" "Kathy's retired!"
I felt electric!
Never before had I seen & inhaled
Such a beautiful early dawn!

Any other time
I would be cussing & moaning
About having to get up so early
To put on make-up
& get my ass to work.

It was a magical day !
And the only other time
I felt so happy, proud & smart
Was High School Graduation.
Hah!

I have been truly blessed,
God, Goddess, Universe
Has seen me thru
And helped me make it
To the other side of Seniority!
Thru both Heaven & hell,
I am still here!

6 More Days!

2010-03-26T22:17:00.005-04:00

Omg! Omg! 6 more days!!!

6 DAYS & I shall be released from the bondage of a love/hate relationship with the sadist bastards of airline management.

A tortured marriage of sorts - you dedicate much of your life to a 'prized job' where you have worked your ass off with sisters & brothers thru good times & bad, FA's who have truly gotten each other thru the hell of 911 & the aftermath of company abuse in the name of avoiding bankruptcy.

A fine breed above many 'civilian' folks with their quirky, fun, hilarious sense of humor, Flight Attendants are the Best thing about this job & a privilege to work with! I shall miss the Flight Attendants the most. And hotel rooms.

Yep - call me nutty... I loved staying in hotels, my own room, clean sheets, room service, & the peace of totally spreading out in a king size bed alone (ha!) & watching all the dopey TV shows till I passed out from exhaustion!

It was easy to turn into a seasoned 'slam-clicker' the more senior I got, I had no energy to party after a long day in the end, tho' I do remember the yesteryears of a different industry with longer layovers & later sign ins!
Ahh, the Vivacity of Youth!

"Those were the days my friends, we thought they'd never end.."
I am SO grateful I made it thru!

.

Holding My Breath

2010-03-11T13:04:00.007-05:00

I am SO excited!!! 20 days....! Can't believe this time has finally come... Praying it will all go well, holding my breath I don't get fired for something- anything - the company hates us, FA's are going to strike soon because of (no) contract negotiations... & you just NEVER know when management's Big Ole Shoe will drop next!

I am SO close to retirement I can TASTE it!!!

I have run out of sick time, it's been 11 months I've been on sick leave for hip pain bursitis & now, heel spurs. I just can't walk, can't do the job - even if I wanted to.

Got REALLY fat, but I just broke 200lbs, & now weigh 198 lbs @ ww's. Can't exercise, it makes loosing weight SO hard. But of course I don't want to exercise anyway. I love my bed. I love naps. I love TV & snuggling. Never got to slug- out like this for so long before in my whole life. But I digress..

April First!!! Yep, that's my OUT date! Since it's April Fool's Day no one will believe it's real until the 2nd, ha!

But I think it's appropriate- The company has played us for fools ever since 9/11 taking away half our pay & so much else. If I hadn't of had to work SO hard for so much overtime, trying to make up for so much stolen salary to make ends meet, I wouldn't have turned into a limping, lurching, non- ambulating, pain jolting, cane grabbing, fucked up gimp.
Word y'all.

One day you can walk, the next you can't. So damn weird.

I'm a idiot, but I never once thought my body would give out like this, no matter HOW many miles & years I charged back & forth, up & down those ailes, turbulence throwing me into the walls so often I didn't even notice any more... None of us do, it's so regular... Your spine gets twisted & thrown out jostling to balance in the 'easy chop,' your knees are tortured & suffer, Your piercing backaches creak, your throbbing feet just scream after long inflight days... & let me not forget about the shooting sinus migraines from prolonged pressurization & recycled "air."

Yep, no doubt about it....
I have waited too long to retire.
Amazing what we put ourselves through when there is not enough money to pay bills.

I took the year off to get better thinking I'd get back to work. I'm out of sick time now & I ain't better.
Big, fat writing on the wall!!! TIME TO GO.

Okay, what can I say? I'm throwing in the towel, hoping all goes well & 'The Company' won't try to fuck me yet again in some bizarre way.

20 more days... a day under 3 week!!

I'm SO excited!!!!!!!

.

excuses

2010-02-07T13:25:00.002-05:00

So here's the thing..
We get along So well when it's just she & me..
Life has been better.
It's really GOOD until her relatives are around.
I can't believe we've made it thru 28 years when we both are SO different. Guess we love each other. Sure feel like it when we're together - alone!
She really IS gorgeous to look at, & everybody thinks she is one sweet angel. She is around them all.

But then there's me to say, HEY - this is fuckked up. I DO go along with her program a lot. But some things I blow up over because they are just too outrageous to me. Well all this is an excuse for my behavior, I do need to get my anger under more control I guess.

Because we DO have so much fun together. I am looking fwd to the superbowl today. I hate sports, but have always enjoyed watching the superbowl (with Doris alone) because she is so into it. Of course it I were on a trip or she were elsewhere, I would never bother...

So I gotta go get a few things, & go to the gym spa before she gets home from church. Whirlpool & steamroom here I come!

Passive Aggression

2010-01-24T13:08:00.006-05:00

I can't believe how I'm not keeping up with this blog, FB is just so much easier. Altho' I don't rant much on fb, except for not getting the gay marraige vote in Jersey...

I am SO fucking pissed that NJ didn't legalize Gay Marrige. Damn asswipemotherfuckers. Good thing I don't own a gun. I've been in a 28 yr relationship with my beloved, longer than most of those dumbass HETS have ever been in their 1st, 2nd, or 3rd marraiges. It WOULD be nice to get married & have equal rights before either of us kick the bucket! Shit for brains FUCKTARDS. All of them. Rant done.

So other than that, & also FA's do not have my blog addy, so I have bitched about some of THEM before on here...they ARE on fb so I wouldn't complain about them on there! However, they are all so damn funny, it is so worth having them on my fb! It also keeps me up on what's happening with the airlines since I've been on sick leave with heel spurs & leg burcitus for 8 mo... I do NOT miss flying. I DO miss the nutcase FA's. We're all a bunch of coo-coo heads.

Jan is birthday month for my woman, but I haven't had much money to spend on the celebration. She turned 74, still looks 44 & has more energy than I do for sure.

Strangely 2 days before her b'day she turned insane. 1st she got crazed when we came home from grocery shopping that I went up to check on replies for my fb entry about MLK day, I guess she wanted me to watch her cook dinner or something. She gets pissed I'm on the computer so much. I've been cleaning out my "closet room" throwing clothes into garbage bags to give away. But also I had clothes laid out on a couch to put back. She threw a tantrum fit & took everything & threw it out in the van. Still don't know what happened there. It really pissed me off when I saw she also threw my good clothes out. Plus I was hurt, here I am working so hard to clean up, & doing such a good job.

The next day she started screaming at me for rolling my eyes when Herman called to wish her Happy bday. I screamed back, we screamed for a good 30 min, "he's my SON, my son" "he treats you like shit" "it's none of your business" "anyone who gives half of 2 shits for you would not put up with him" "shut up about my son" "You shut up about your son."

So that night I went out to get her cards, balloons & flowers while she went to choir practice, her bday was the next day. So when she got home that night everything was set up. The thing is I got the ugliset roses I've ever seen. On purpose. They were pinkish tan puke color. The next morning i ran down to check to see if they opened up & looked better. NOPE! They each fell over on the stems & looked like crap. I was like omg, the roses died last night. D was it's okay honey, it's the thought that counts.

Well I have NEVER in 28 yrs done anything like that. It was so passive aggressive. Screw it, I don't even care - I didn't deserve the way she suddenly treated me out of the blue. And I'M the one who does everything for her, NOT her jackass pathetic son. Fuck her. I don't even feel bad I did that. (well maybe a little) But it secretly cracks me up, I think it's funny. I was mad.

But then the rest of the week has been great!
We went to see AVATAR again, this time in 3D!!! It was SO awesome, so beautiful, SO FABULOUS!! There are just no words to explain it. The 3D makes it like a LSD acid trip!!! SO fucking cool! Then we saw the Sandra Bullock movie The Blindside, also wonderful!
Took her to the Tropicana Diner for brunch twice. Had Chinese food one night. And just enjoyed each other's company watching favorite TV shows.... Her Birthday week is almost over.

With the exception of those 2 wierd days, things have been great. I doubt there'll be any more fighting for a while now.
.

Hey I AM sick

2010-01-05T18:30:00.002-05:00

I got bronchitus. shit. I have weak lungs because I used to smoke even tho' I quit almost 4 decades ago. it's called copd, & everyone that used to smoke has it to some extent.

Anyway, got $100 worth of meds. oye vey.
On the good side, when I FART is smells like medicine.
That's sure new.

Why I got fatter than ever or MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION

2010-01-03T22:50:00.002-05:00

For me- try again. I must drop this tonnage & never again pick it up. God only knows how long it will take me this time… I’m embarrassed being this big now. I see people staring at me & pretending they’re not. Like they’re looking at a freak side-show. And they don’t say anything because that would be rude. It feels like I failed.

I remember when folks used to basically lear. That was SO annoying. I wanted to scream ‘get your fucking eyeballs off my body.’ It was the 60’s, 70’s & 80’s – a feminist era. Men have always been like that, they think it’s their right to just drool over any & every girl/woman simply because (they aren’t blind &) they can.

So I quit wearing make-up, & fabulous ensambles – just went for tee-shirts & sweat pants.. and THEN found a woman who was SO fucking beautiful that she got all the attention anytime we went anywhere, no one ever looked at me much after that. Well, it was a WELCOME relief & I was so proud to be with her!

But now back to the present. She is no longer proud to be with me, atho’ she still loves me, I know. I have abused my body so much with food that I have grown into a humongous Bertha Butt.

This time my reason was freaking out over the plane landing in the Hudson. Why was I torturing myself with Weight Watcher starvation if in fact that could happen to me too? I went into a huge depression & started eating everything & anything I wanted. That was a year ago last Jan 2009.

So this year, it’s coming back off. Because people are staring at me again not with lust - not that I'd want that, but with a shock of terror. And it’s not just men now, it’s everyone who’s ever known me & then some.
Because it’s sad to see anyone so out of control. And it is so embarrassing I just wish I could dissappear.

So here I go again... one day at a time. I've done it before, I can do it again... I need to get healthy again.

koo koo stream of consciousness

2010-01-03T19:33:00.004-05:00

I do not feel good. I have had such a sore throat & bad cough for a week. The cough is violent & down in my lungs. After 7 days my ribs feel cracked everytime I cough, which is often. So guess I'll go to a Dr tomorrow. Seems by now this cold should be over. wtf? I want my life back. Been knocked out sleeping with all that Nyquil.

I need to clean up my room. As if thats gona happen once I get better. Doris has now taken to calling me a hoarder. So I watch those Hoarding shows, which are really horrid, & I do feel better about myself, phew! I sure aint that bad. Since when is not throwing out perfectly fine clothing being a hoarder? And for me, I need 2 sizes for everything- gigantic, & 40-50lbs less for when I lose this tonnage.

My loverwoman is so lame, that she never yelled at her shit for brains mf son that totally blew her off for Xmas & didnt bother to call to let her know he wouldn't be at the bus station while she sat there waiting to see her baby boy. In fact, she WAS going to cash in the ticket, but then he called & said he would come another time, & she was fine with it. Fucking lame I tell you, there is no hope for her - or us for that matter when the subject of her own personal jack-ass dumb fuck bastard seed is anywhere in the picture. Herman the vermin... It's so fucking pathetic. SO GLAD I didn't have children.

Hmmm. What else? I mean to loose weight this year. Too bad I totally abused myself with food & weigh 210, maybe more now. I figured it out at the last ww meeting. It was last January when good ole Sully landed his plane in the middle of the Hudson River. Scared me to death! - So bad that I got totally depressed & decided if I could possible die like that, fuck starving myself to look perfect. Seriously that is what triggered me & I was off & running eating anything & everything I wanted. And loved it all.

But now I'm on anti-depressants. And I seriously look like fucking pure-dee shit. So this is the year I again gotta get a grip. soon. shortly. in a minute. or two. Hell. I was gorgeous when I was young. NOBODY would know that to look at me now. It's a shame. Very sad. But there are so many lessons to learn from that. Too many to list. WhatEVER, I'll get it together, I did it 2 years ago, I can do it again.

hopefully.

It's embarrassing to go out in public looking like this. This is no joke. I would rather just stay home.

Amazing When Life Takes care Of Itself

2009-12-26T18:45:00.002-05:00

Hello! Christmas is over, Glory Halleluia! It was most everything I wanted! Alleluia Amen & Awomen!!!

Had it been everything, I would not have gained so much weight this year to almost 210 lbs complete with a huge square butt that has grown up to the middle of my back & a gutt that sticks out so far I look preggers with triplets, however it DOES make a big ledge to rest my bulbous 44DD breasts on. Yeee-up! I'm a doll. My quadrupile chins that now hide my neck do come in handy when I nod off, they seem to hold my head up.

Anyway I digress. The thing I always hate about xmas as you all KNOW is having men laying around the house watching MTV whore dancers & talking on the phone, taking up couch space eating anything in the fridge. Especially the deadbeat, stank-ass piece-of-shit crappy father, youngest son of D's.

So it was all set up again as usual... Dipshit was coming in from Dtw on the bus ticket his mother sent him - everyone (but me) was excited to see him... His son, his sister, his brother, his neice & nephews, cousins, aunts, uncle & esp. my beautiful Doris.

Well he missed the first bus that left at 900pm & got in at 1045am the next day. So he will catch the same bus the next day & get in on xmas morning. nice.
Well Doris got up bright & early, got dressed & pretty, zoomed off to the Newark terminal to pick him up. I stayed home to tidy up some more (& I couldn't stand the thought of going to get the effin' slug.)

An hour later, Dumbshit deadbeat calls to say the bus trip cancelled (last night) because of storms across the country & he wouldn't be there. There was nothing he could do about it. I said you COULD have called your mother collect to tell her last night so she wouldn't be sitting out there at Penn Station Newark waiting for you right now...

So I called her, told her to turn her gorgeous ass around & come home - HERMAN (who goes by Asmar btw -can't blame anyone named Herman for changing to anything else) wasn't coming, the bus cancelled. She was like WHAAAAATTTT?????? But she pulled herself together because she knows I do NOT agree with him taking her money for a ticket... among everything else.

I felt so sorry for her, I know she was totally hurt. I can't stand the motherfucker, but he's her baby & she loves him no matter what. I just can't believe what a shit he is that he didnt call before she left to get him. The night before. What a fucking jackass.

HowEVER... I was suddenly delighted with life, & how amazing it is that it sometimes works out!!! Christmas was great! The grub was outstanding! D & I could go home & run up & down the stairs butt naked! So wonderful.
For me at least!

Merry Xmas '09 from Kmae & Dmae

2009-12-23T00:47:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
Blessings, Love, & Light for a wonderful 2010!
KMae & DMae

, ,

Oh Lordie, It Won't Be Long Now.

2009-12-15T21:14:00.006-05:00

Oh gosh. sigh. Don't know what happened, I WAS sorta doing well, but I forgot to take my meds one day, then I went down into the dregs of paralysis & suddenly balked at putting up the xmas tree.

I just couldn't stand to think of it. It was a skinny little $15 twiggy tree because I refuse to spend a ton on the trees anymore. And the bigger the tree, the longer it takes to light & decorate it. Luckily Doris put it up in the stand for me (after muttering her 'you can't do anything', she likes to tell me this regularly..)

The truth is I am sick of doing it all MYSELF with the Christmas decorations inside and out. This I CAN do. The other truth: I can't do anything else. ha! I actually can't. I vacum well. Can not clean, cook, wash clothes or dishes... So she IS right about all that.

So after D put the tree up in the livingroom, I put the lights on, then took 2 days decorating it. Now I need to add tinsel & it's done. I am sorta sad I got such a small. skimpy tree now as I KNOW I am fabulous at this, but just am sick of it after all these years.

ONCE I went for a decade with out a tree & didn't miss it. But since buying the house 16 yrs ago, got back into decorating. At first it was wonderful to have a home to celebrate holidays in, so romantic - my Babe & I !

All too soon I realized W_R_O_N_G !! Kiss those days GoodFuckingBye. Children, Grandchildren, Sisters, Neices & Nephews. GAWD Almighty. Such a DRAG. So NOT romantic. Shit fuck piss.

So OKAY. I got into it, best I could - which was pretty damn great with all the photo albums I made each year for everyone, & they DID appreciate it. Quit doing that 4 years ago when the money got cut down after 9/11. anyway, don't miss doing that, it's a relief in fact.

And I was doing the decorating & other presents for the grandkids when they were young. They are old now. They have their own lives even tho' they still come by & stay.

And then there is always that fucking Herman. Her youngest whom she loves so much & I absolutely detest his LAZY deadbeat ass all over the livingroom couches, watching MTV videos & using the phone as much as possible.

And of course he doesn't come if D doesn't send him a bus ticket to get here. He's 46 for fucking sake. I hate him. He's nothing but a bullshit con artist. But he IS part of her & she wants him here & doesn't want me to argue about it. So I gotta just eat it & go with the fucking flow. Oye fucking vey. What ever. Breathe.

Maybe this is why I suddenly froze about putting up the tree. Thank GOD I never had children to dissappoint the shit out of me. I'm so brilliant.

This & That

2009-12-03T21:40:00.006-05:00

I just got a cortizone shot in my R. thigh, ahhhh- that shot hurts like a MF but the burcitis pain is gone for the moment!!! Now just the heel spurs are killin' me. Least this isn't a terminal illness, it's just decrepidness!!! Look on the bright side I always say!!!

This was my latest entry on fb... Since then the pain has come back but I think it's the residual from the cortisone, it is a very thick white substance & is SO painful to take into the body... So I'm thinking that's the problem, I just cant remember if this happened 3 months ago when I last had this shot. Anyway...

I should mention Thanksgiving was GREAT!
D & her daughter/grandaughter didnt go to the Thanksgiving parade, instead we all met around 500pm that night at the neice's house in Burlington... hence they didnt stay over.

Also the youngest son didn't come so I escaped THAT aggravation.. although I shall now definately have to put up with him during Xmas. Still a few weeks before I have to deal with that. sigh.....

Tomorrow is the last fri nite for Monk - it's over for good. I lOVE that show. I hate that it's done. Shit shit shit. Can't wait to watch.

BTW the Dr is giving me a continued sick leave excuse until 4/3/10. Hope the company approves it. Because I sure can't go back to work. I got a cane, crutches, & a walker in the wings for the days I need it. Tonight I used a cane & a crutch trying to get to the john. Ha!

A Victoria's Secret commercial came on with all these gorgeous babes in wings & g strings, Doris was going ohhhhh... I was like honey you watch these lovely ladies while I hobble to the bathroom...
We just cracked up.
Guess you had to be here.

It's time for the fucking holidays again.

2009-11-25T01:18:00.005-05:00

God help me, I'm starting to fret. The holidays are beginning. Trying to clean up the house for Doris' children & grandchildren. That should mean my children & grandchildren. ahem. Yeah whatever.

The daughter & granddaughter are coming tomorrow to go with D to the Thanksgiving day Parade. They'll crash here after the parade during the day. Then, One grandson is going with us all to Burlington for the big family dinner & wonderful food, maybe 2 grandsons...

The daughter & granddaughter will drive back to Maryland that night after dinner & visiting, & one or 2 grandsons shall come back with us & crash here.

The loser son keeps calling from Detroit, trying to manipulate D into buying a bus ticket to come for the festivities. GOD HE PISSES ME OFF SO BAD. She loves him & wants him here. He's a fucking skeve. Everybody loves him & wants to see him but me.

I want to smash in his lying, con artist, user face with a sledge hammer over & over & watch his life expire. I'm so sweet. Hate him & I gotta act like I care. Gag me. He'll be lying all over the couch, using the phone looking thru all our stuff. He's a skeve, did I mention that?

If he doesn't come thur, he'll definately come for xmas. sigh. Really can't stand men in the house. BARF-O-RAMA.

And did I mention we don't have a guest room? So everybody sleeps in shifts in the living room on the 2 couches. Ugh, cooties.

I don't know why I'm such a bitch over all this every fucking year after year. I need to pray for help, love & peace. I always look forward to Thanksgiving & Xmas dinners until - I start to remember what it's really like.
.
.

Venting

2009-11-15T14:09:00.004-05:00

You know what? I'm pissed. (again.) I have this gay FA friend I love. He supposedly loves me too.

He posted a pic on fb of his left arm with his initials tatooed on his really big muscle. This is not a new tat. Everybody's seen it, it comes just below his tees & work shirt sleeves. So everyone's commenting on 'sexy' 'great guns' etc... I commented 'horney boy' because to my mind, why would he be posting this when we've seen it all over the neighborhood?

Well he gets totally offended. Sends me a cell text 'stop writing horney boy on my wall, I already deleted it once. It makes me look like a whore.'

OoooooKayyyy. Of all the crass shit I write & swear about on fb he gets ultra-sensitive about the word HORNEY??? Jesus Christ Almighty.
I text back 'okay, nobody thinks youre a whore, everybody loves you. So sorry.'

Then he puts a post up on fb how he's having a hard time as a buddist dealing with his non-buddist friends' inappropriate coments on his wall.

Huh??? We have all written so much worse on ea others walls. So everybody responded in with 'oh yeah', 'right on', 'you go boy' not even knowing what was said or by whom.

I texted back on my cell how 'sorry I am, I feel bad, it was not my intention to upset him so much, I love him & send him joy & peace.' He hasnt responded back. But it appears he has now erased/deleted that whole previously mentioned posting.

Shit almighty. fucking pissy faggot. He can just kiss my butt & suck my twat.
Asshole.

And a well... could it be he IS a fucking whore???
sheesh.

Who cares???
.

Stick A Fork In Me, Looks Like I'm Done

2009-11-12T21:56:00.010-05:00

Hola Y'all little Honeys !

Life is odd these days. Can't walk well, - left heel bone spur feels like teetering on glass shards with each step. The right heel bone spur isn't much better.
Nice.
Wonder if it'll ever change.
Plantar fasciia seems to be better under each arch. BUT- the sharp burcitus ache in my right butt, down my right thigh is starting to throb again, guess I need another cortisone shot.

Therefore... I don't do much. Really can't.

I've become a blob. A BIG one. Over 200lbs. SHIT.
I need help. I hate the way I look now, BUT on the other hand...

I'm just SO happy to not have to be flying. I do miss the crazy nutcases I work with, the fun we have 35,000 ft up getting thru the days & nights, the good psgrs, & hob-nobing with the moviestars & other famous glitterati!

Truth be told, I'm in no shape to do all that work anymore. Hell I can barely get the fuck out of bed... in the afternoon... (big chortle!)

How the hell am I going to evacuate a plane hobbeling thru a fuselodge trying to push paniced psgrs out of the way to throw open an emergency exit ?

Not to mention - I always would work so hard & run drinks/dinner so fast, zooming around back & forth like a batt outa hell! And I mean speed-demon FAST!

Do you know how long it takes me to limp & inch along just to get to the next room,
or the JOHN?? seriously.

Sigh.

Doris was freaked in the beginning & thinking of trading me in on a new model. But now she sees it's not all in my mind so maybe she'll try to hang in there a while longer. (If she want's to keep breathing, HA!)

I never thought my body would rebel like this, I should have been more careful...
I shouldn't have pushed myself to be such a high-time flyer at this age,
pushing for that almighty over-time just to try and make the same paycheck that management took away from us after 9/11 in order to "avoid bankruptcy." Mother Fuckers.

So it would appear that the writing's on the wall girls & boys... Not sure how long or how soon. I love my Flight Attendants, we are truly a bazaar & crazy lot. So much FUN & laughter.

Those of you on FB have kept me in the loop the past 6 months & given me the Big Laughs & Love. So I am sending this to you 1st, you can start, I mean continue spreading the rumours to the rest of Club EWR...

And I'll let you guys be the 1st to know whether I can last 6 more months or only 2 or 3. or maybe 4.. I want to heal & get better. But I seriously doubt I'll be well enough to come back... Okay don't everybody start jumping up & down screaming immediately!!!

love youse. xxoo
Kath

VD !

2009-11-11T11:36:00.002-05:00

It's Veterans Day!
I am grateful for all you Vets that worked so hard for our freedom & democracy. I salute you all!

Oh No, I'm Mad..

2009-11-09T00:42:00.003-05:00

I got really pissed off this week when I saw Joel Osteen, who I've ALWAYS loved since the moment I discovered him on tV sunday mornings with his positive & loving, upbeat 30 minute sermons...

Whoppie asked him point blank what did he think about homosexuality, is he really all love to all people. He answered some stupidass damn thing about he loved everybody, that gay people are so much fun, but he feels that they are not living Jesus' Best.. that Jesus' best has so much more for them ... or some bullshit crap answer.

I felt so irrate that I immediately FORGOT how the hell he answered, but honey she got him- called him out point blank & asked the question WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT GAYS, HOW DO THEY FIT INTO YOUR BELIEFS ARE YOU REALLY ALL THAT??? And he had to answer "I am full of shit..."

No that's not what he said but it is what it IS.

I really had faith that he was not like all the rest of the 'Christian TV evangelists' I'd dug for years that had let me down considering Homosexuality a sin... Robert Schueller, Joyce Meyer, & let me not start with the Black ones I dig... all of them with the best, positive, upbeat 30 minute messages so you dont have to sit through hours of screaming church services... and now joel osteen too. I'm not capitalizing any of their names anymore.

I feel like emailing him 'HOW DARE HE, that HE's the one not living Jesus' best because he is clinging to this lie.'

What is WITH all these fucking-ass pastors?? I just don't get it. Seriously.

I can think of Many ways I don't 'live Jesus' best' - I'm lazy, I hoard, I overeat & am a food addict- among other addictions which I HAVE managed to conquere, I judge, I hate, I swear, I'm jealous & I covet... But loving & honoring my beautiful woman for 28 years is not "NOT living Jesus' best."

They can all just kiss my fat, puckered aging pissed-off ass.
.

A Big Lesson To Learn

2009-11-01T13:16:00.007-05:00

I can't believe so much time has gone by since I last posted. I've been held hostage by facebook. My Flight Attendant friends (who are NOT privey to this blog, btw) joke about how I'm on fb every minute of the day. Well it's their fault cause they make me laugh so much & who wouldn't like that??? We're a crazy lot, & often only WE can understand our mania. I miss them, but not so much the work.

I also miss flying with the stars. Tried making a list of all I've met on fb in the notes section & erased the whole thing TWICE. Guess I'll start it with an actual pen & paper. How quaint. Gotta begin writing them all down before I forget who they were... which oh well, too late - I already have...

So here are bullet points to begin my review, not in any kind of order...

Still on sick leave for burcitus & hip pain , which is coming back as the cortisone shots are already wearing off. Also my feet are wrapped up for plantar fasciitis in arches & bone spurs in both heels. I'm hobbeling. It's all made worse from 50 lbs I've put on from not being able to exercise, & well basically eating anything I want.

It's shameful & I'm extremely embarassed when I pass a mirror & see my butt high-up on my back & feel my gut laying in my lap under my giant 38DD boobs when seated.. Good God WHAT have I done to myself. I should know better, & I'm so irresponsible for fucking myself up physically so royally. So ashamed.

D & I went to a funeral in Delaware of her good friend who finally succumed to Lou Gerrigs Disease. She was a prisoner in her body which had totally broken down - couldn't swallow, eat, talk, walk, type & drooled constantly. She was SO miserable. She was 61. She helped raise D's 3 children while they were partners for 6 yrs, decades ago.

I never cared for her much, actually couldn't stand things that she did which were often illegal & fucked up. I had worked hard on myself thru the years trying to be a better person & one thing I felt strongly about was 'do NOT hang around others that do fucked up shit...'.. I wont mention examples here there's no reason to now...

But she did eventually meet a great woman to make a good life with & who helped her get better, & she become excellent in many ways.

She/they adopted & fostered many children who LOVED her. They were all there at the funeral grieving her loss. Her forte' was nurturing each of them & obviously they adored her for it! She has done more with her life for that than I'll ever do with mine... Big lesson for Ms Judgemental Me.

I learned a lot from that & was finally able to respect her, no matter how I'd felt about her bs in the past. My lesson is that no matter what I think about people, they can still grow to do great things & be of wonderful service to others. Imagine that!

I have also learned this from D's pusshead brother who was not such a great prize in my estimation. Now he is helping many elders in the church & has become a good 'pillar of society', even tho' I totally observed him screwing his mother, father & sisters in the past. I enjoy being around him now, but I can't forget the pain he caused those I loved. Guess I'll have to get over it, as everyone else has & they are all just so happy to have him back in their lives.

Went out to a lesbian/gay party for halloween, was a Witch (obviously don't need Halloween for that!), D was Sherlock Holmes & carried a big magnifying glass. so adorable. Couldn't wait to get home & watch Monk at midnight. My God, I have become SUCH an OLD FART... Hope D stays around because there doesn't seem to be much I can to to even WANT to change... I'm tired from all the hard work from the past 41 years & feel a big need to just relax & do NOTHING.

Oh which brings me to the most important landmark... Started my 42nd year with my airline on Oct 24th. Wow. So glad I'm still alive, albeit limping along at the moment! I'm SO grateful for all the blessings God, Goddess, Universe has bestowed upon me thruout these long, often tedious, magical years! Thankyou Jesus!

.

I Love Facebook

2009-09-16T16:44:00.005-04:00

Well it's official.
I like Face Book better than blogging.
Damn.
Who woulda thunk it???
I have loved blogging for years.
hmmm. What the hell?

First, fb was just for my family & cool lesbians. It was great keeping up with all the grandkids & also my star dykes on fb!
I listed myself as KMae Bee. B is the 1st initial of my last name.

But then I started missing my Flight Attendant friends since Ive been on sick leave for so long. I started picking my favorites to be fb friends. So I changed my KMae Bee to my real name so they'd know who the hell I was. (None of them are on my bloglist...nope.)

And now the majority on my fb are FA's. Some I dont care that much for are asking to be friends. Not sure what to do about that.

The next dilema is since my real name is down there now, so many people from my high school are asking to be friends. I Definitely do not want to accept them. We already have a high school website we all write on.

As much as I care for many of them & see them each reunion, most are fucking dumbass republicans (Im from Texas) & I have no tolerance for their racism & homophobia.

Actually I stopped following some blog friends because I was so turned off that they were supposedly gay republicans. I was Pissed. Dickwad brains. Anyone voting republican does not support MY gay rights..

Of course I know I dont have to accept any friends on fb. But I dont want to hurt peoples feelings either.

So I am trying to figure it out. But I do love fb, its quick & SO funny. Thats the best part. Its addicting. I think I am starting to get carpal tunnel from staying on so long each day. I sure as hell dont get much else done!

Somebody Help me!
.

Life Is Good

2009-09-13T17:48:00.006-04:00

I can relax now.
Airline Medical called & said after reading my Dr's latest note, I was okayed for 3 more month's time off (till Dec 9!) Okay, now I can breathe again. Phew!

It's not till Dec 31st like my Dr. said, but maybe I'll be better by then anyway. At least I have a chance of Managment not harrassing me. Have mercy! sigh..

I took off my watch. Screw it.
Time schmime.
Won't have to sign into work for awhile now.
Alleluia, Thank ya Jesus!
And Glory to God, Goddess, Uniiverse!!!! In. The. HIGHEST.

Yep, I'm happy.

Doris & I had Baja Fresh Chicken Burritos & Chix Tostada Salad out on the veranda tonight! (uhm.... kitchen door patio.)
YumFuckingOla!!! Or ole' as the case may be.
Beeeaaallllcccchhh! burp!

It was SO great to have such beautiful weather again!

.

9/11 eight yrs later

2009-09-11T23:04:00.005-04:00

So. It comes back every year. On TV, radio, in papers for the entire day. God, it is a constant, 24 hr rememberance of the shock, terror & insane horror from the worst day of so many New Yorkers & other Americans.

For Flight Attendants - we'll never forget. All of us handle it differently in our lives, but make no mistake - it is always there in the back of our minds the minute we step foot in any airport or on every plane systemwide.

Of course this is all subconscious because who in their right mind (& I use the term lightly for many of us -ha!) would be able to obcess upon it every minute of the day & fly as often as we do?

We are brave survivors & professionals; sometimes it can seem to us that we're professional survivors with some of the passengers we have to deal with & flights that go on forever & last all day...

Speaking personally for myself the long hours, the hard work, all the passenger conversation, & sharing the work load with so many wonderful Flight Attendants get me thru my days & any post traumatic stress that could easily jump to the front of my cranium.. Because if I were to be honest, - that too (pts) - is always hanging in the back of my mind - like a thug lurking in the shadows ready to jump out to bash my brain & destroy my peace.

What A Relief!

2009-09-04T01:12:00.003-04:00

So.
I've been moaping around for a few days because I had this Dr's appointment today with my orthopedist & I was SO afraid I would have to go back to work. I had 2 shots & the last one helped SO much I could actually walk again without such a limp.

A month has gone by & now the check up to see if I was okay to fly again. Since I was SO much better than I've been for 3 1/2 months I was afraid he was tired of me & would send me back.

But I still have pain when walking up stairs & walking on hard floors (like a mall) or around the block & in trying to do some exercises... I know I am clearly not good enough to go back, & am afraid my hip will go out again, back to the crippling, searing pain if I go too soon.

I was doing physical therapy 3 x week for 2 months, but I can no longer afford it anymore & owe them $400 plus. It really didnt help that much from what I could tell. The ONLY thing that worked was that 2nd shot! Thank GOD.

Deep breath...

He walked back in the room & gave me a slip to stay out till 12/31st.
Can You Fucking Believe It??? Thank you Jesus! I am so relieved. He said I am still way too weak (yeah that happens when youre in pain & dont move much..) I have bursitus & tendonitus... It is not an easy fix.

I'm very grateful to have enough sick hours left that I can do this. Altho' I've had so much time off - I've never had a summer go bye so fast. I just do not know what happened or where the time went. I don't get it. I was here every minute...
.

Another Lazy Day in Paradise- (HOME...)

2009-08-29T16:56:00.008-04:00

I truly appreciate being home.
It's certainly nothing fancy,
but It's comfortable here.
And I love it because it's ours.
Even tho' it's falling down around our ears
& we can't afford to fix it...
It's still wonderful because it's just us here.
And Boo Boo the cat.

Today I slept until NOON in the pouring rain!
It was luxurious.
Then started fb'ing & tweeting & reading blogs.
I really am lazy.
Fuck it, I deserve it -
I've worked hard for decades
and I'm TIRED!

Then what do you know?
Bound came on the Logo channel!
Jennifer Tilly (such an ultimate fem) &
Gina Gershon (the sexiest BUTCH in this movie)
drive me CRAZY together!!!
My GOD they're SO steamy & slivering,
just juicy & ripe!

I had Ms Gershon on a flight a couple of times!
(Damn...her Lips are amazing!)
I asked her how she knew
how to be such a good Lesbian in Bound?
She said it was just acting like a man.
Uhhh, no you acted better
than any man ever could!
She said well,
thank you so very much.

Oh Honey,
you are SO very welcome.

Thank YOU!!!
.

A New Meme from Ann

2009-08-27T14:52:00.003-04:00

1. What is your occupation right now?
Flight Attendant 41yrs

2 What color are your socks right now?
bare feet - yea!

3. What are you listening to right now?
One Life To Live

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
3 egg whites

5. Can you drive a stick shift? If I have to
sure!- my 1st car- 63 Corvair convertable!

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Doris' sister

7 Do you like the person who sent this to you?
We were in High Schoool & Girl Scouts but became good friends later in life, YES!

8. How old are you today?
62 & 3 mos

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV?
superbowl

10. What is your favorite drink?
diet coke

11. Have you ever dyed your hair?
bleached starting in the 8th grade & now use a brown glaze

12. favorite food?
spaghetti & meat sauce

13. What is the last movie you watched?
some Johnny Depp gangster picture

14. Favorite day of the year?
5/24th my birthday

15. How do you vent anger?
yell at D. & write in blog

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
bicycle

17. What is your favorite season?
summer well, anything but winter

18. Cherries or Blueberries?
neither Blackberry- wish I had one!

Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
yes

20. Who is the most likely to respond?
?

21. Who is least likely to respond?
?

22. Living arrangements?
Doris 28yrs

23. When was the last time you cried?
It's been awhile since I started zoloft! Yea!

24 What's on the floor of your closet?
oh please, I have more than closets, I have a very messy Room full of clothes!

25 Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
not sending

26. What did you do last night ?
facebook & twitter & tv...

27 What are most afraid of?
loosing Doris & getting fired before retiring

29 Spicy or cheese hamburgers?
Cheese burgers!

29. favorite dog breed?
poodle

30 favorite day of the week?
saturday

31. How many states have you lived in?
Texas, California, NYC, New Jersey

32 PEARLS OR DIAMONDS
diamonds

33 What is your favorite flower
Purple Iris

34 What drives you crazy?
Loud, obnoxious people
.

Back On Line!!!

2009-08-25T23:31:00.003-04:00

I am SO happy to have my computer back & working!!!
Thank GOD, I was so going thru withdrawal. I missed Facebook the most, strangely enough. It really is a neat way to keep up with folks! They seem to write there more than in their blogs.

ALL the people at the Mac store were SO very kind & helpful. I had to go back twice. Those geniuses are brilliant!
I am grateful.

Doris...not so much. Ha!

Meme From Deborah on fb

2009-08-21T01:50:00.008-04:00

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
MORTGAGE

2. Do you miss being a child?
ONLY THE MONEY,,,,,I was privileged & too miserable to know it.

3. Chore you hate the most?
HOUSEWORK - DISHES

4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
OUTSIDE - DORIS GRILLED!

5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
I WOULD NOT DO DRUGS OR BOOZE.

6. Name of your first grade teacher?
1ST MISS SMITH
2ND MISS JONES
3RD MRS ALEXANDER
4TH MRS FULLER
5TH MISS LANDRUM
6TH MRS HALFORD

7.What do you really want to be doing right now?
FINDING MY ZEN AT THE SHORE!

8. What did you want to be when you grew up?
DANCING ON BROADWAY

9. How many colleges did you attend?
ONE

10.Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
SLEEVELESS COTTON UNDERSHIRT CAC BROKEN
SWELTERING!

11. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
FUCKING STUPID

12.First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
DORIS IS MY ALARM, SHE'S DAMN NOISY

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
DAMN I WISH I COULD STOP FARTING

14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
JESUS

15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
NO THANK GOD, GODDESS, UNIVERSE! AND ANGELS.

16. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
MAYBE

17. Get up early or sleep in?
SLEEP IN ALWAYS!

18. What is your favorite cartoon character?
BULLWINKLE

19. Favorite thing to do at night with a guy/girl?
LOVE HER

20. When did you first start feeling old?
MID 50's

21. Favorite lunch meat?
HONEY MESQUITE TURKEY WITH SWISS

22. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
TEE SHIRTS, COSMETICS, VITAMINS, CD's,
MILK, FABULOUS BEAD BRACLETS-HA!
SO MUCH SHIT. LOVE WALMART, DONT CARE IF YOU DISAPROVE.

23. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
OF COURSE NOT, BUT SHOULD BE LEGAL FOR SAME SEX

24. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
BIRD CAGE cracks me up every time!

25. What’s your favorite drink?
DIET COKE, WISH I COULD STOP AGAIN.

26. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
TINA TINA TINA TINA! STILL LOVE HER! (PLATONIC ONLY YOU FOOLS)

27. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
EITHER WBLS OR KISS, I SWITCH

28. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
SOPRANOS MISS IT BAD.

29. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
CHARLIE 7yrs of misery asswipemotherfucker RIP cocksucker

30. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS DON'T SIT MUCH

31. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purposes?
YEP - PUTTING OUT A FIRE IN LAVORATORY A ON A 727

32. Last book you finished reading?
TORI SPELLING

33. Do you have a teddy bear?
TONS OF EM

34. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
OUTSIDE CAMP IN THE POCONOS

35. Do you go to church?
SOMETIMES- I'VE CUT BACK.

36. How old are you?
62.... YEP YEP... creak creak!

omg HELP what do I do???

2009-08-20T23:18:00.002-04:00

Fuck. Im shitting... This is a wierd problem I didn't know I'd have.

Okay first let me say I swear all the time. Whatever. Many don't like it, I don't really give a shit , but I do try to tone it down when it's too inappropriate such as like IN CHURCH if I go, or around passengers, or uptight diptwits... They say you can always tell a Flight Attendant that doesn't have children because we cuss like sailors. Plus I've been around the block a few million times & not a lot shocks me.

So now here's the thing... Getting on facebook, I am finding all the grandkids & neices/nephews. It's been real neat! But we all have this *star* niece who I've watched grow up since she was born, the smartest, SWEETEST child that can do no wrong. She graduated high school this year & is going to college & is just the most popular, busy, beautiful, adorable kid! An perfect little angel!

I just found her & got on her FB. It is shooting her & all her friends conversations onto my facebook. OMG. This kid must have multiple personalities. She & her friends are all bantering back & forth with the words 'niggah' 'faggot' 'buttfucker' (well that one's funny, hah) but my point is some of these words I would NEVER say, much less write & I do take offense as I'm sure others who read my fb would, (Doris & her sister (this girl's grandmother) would DIE) & I don't know what to do.

Now I know this huge group of kids are having a wonderful time & it's none of my business how they speak to ea other & I'm not about to say to her dont use those words as she a fucking valdictorian for crise sakes so she already knows right from wrong.

So here's my question - is there anyway I can be on her fb & read it but not have HERs on mine? I don't want to subject my fb "friends" to that crap. What can I do short of just cancelling her as a fb friend?

I really don't think I'm over reacting here.

By George, I think I've Got It!

2009-08-18T00:30:00.003-04:00

Well, here's the thing...
I've about conquered Twitter & Facebook. It's taken about 5 days - thanks to all who held my hand thruout the ordeal! ha!

I have a mac that I can take pictures on sitting here about a foot away. I figured out how to post these pics. Still don't know how to get pics from my camera into the computer. But anyway I put a bunch of pics up on fb. So if you're inclined...
my facebook handle... KMae Bee.
my twitter name KMaaee (KMae was already taken, how RUDE!)

I'm trying to learn how to just stay home, amuse myself, (Other than watching TV all day) (Which we all know my lazy ass can easily do!) & not go out to spend a lot of money I don't have. Doris is SO annoyed I've spent so much time on the computer because no one can call her. She should be grateful the bill collectors can't get thru!

Anyway, I posted 2 pics of her on fb. She's purty. grin.
She would be mad if she knew. shhhhhh.
Dont ask dont tell.
.

sleeping sickness

2009-08-15T12:32:00.001-04:00

Yikes, I just woke up & already I need a nap.
Geese, what's up with that??

LaaaaaaZeeeee.

Phew!

2009-08-14T17:59:00.002-04:00

Okay, it's back to normal now.

I called BCBS & dealt with insurance problems.
I went to the bank.
I payed the mortgage.
I got some lunch & watched 2 soaps.
THEN...
I mowed the lawn.
I vacumed & straightened the kitchen & livingroom.

I jumped in & out of the pool (above ground) to cool off every 15 minutes then went back to cleaning. You see, the airconditioner is broken. I can't afford to fix it. It's fucking swealtering... (okay not like Houston eb, but STILL>.)

I saw a comedian start his gig saying 'I grew up in the above-ground pool neighborhood.' Everybody cracked up, including me. I suppose it is comparable to trailer courts & lower income shanty's.

And I am grateful that I did get to live in a home where we put in an in-ground pool!

But I have never been able to make anywhere near the income my father did, he took care of us well. And let me tell you, on a day like today I am very grateful for our modest outdoor paradise with our 18' round above ground pool under 4 story high trees! It was a scorcher!

Now Doris grilled salmon & veggies! Smile!
Catch ya later.
.

Addiction!

2009-08-14T10:53:00.003-04:00

Damn Y'all.
I gotta pull myself away from Twitter & Facebook.
Good Gosh almighty this house is a mess & Doris is so annoyed because no one can get thru on the frickin' phone line. (yeah I know - only one line AND dial up -ha! I'm archaic.)

I have to do something constructive today besides sit on my FAT ass & focus on tweets -Man, that is really COOL, & Fb. I must pick up my shit piles & vacuum.

You guys have been really patient with all my questions.
Thankx a million.

okay try to breathe kathy.

Perplexed!

2009-08-13T15:44:00.002-04:00

I can't figure out how to get tweets on my cell.
I can't figure out how to get facebook on my cell.
I hope all y'all are happy. I've been on the stupid computer all day (not kidding) trying to figure out twitter & facebook.
Pixie I tried to tweet Regis_and_Kelly today but it didn't got thru.

It's frickin' annoying, GAWD!!!!

Deb, eb & Nickie got your messages on Facebook.
I'll keep trying.
Man do I feel old trying to keep up with all you youngsters.
.

Twitter Schmitter

2009-08-12T10:02:00.002-04:00

Okay, I'm still TRYing to get into tweeting. (It's your fault Pixie for constantly raving you'd rather tweet than blog.) I don't know. I also tried to join facebook because of some of you - don't really like it so much. Which do y'all like better - facebook or twitter? So far I still like blogging.

My hip is feeling better, not limping as much. Perhaps I'll be able to get off the sick list & fly again in Sept. Then again....
The cortizone shots are starting to work.

Was able to connect with a dear friend from the far-away past on twitter, Nickielee! This is a blessing.

Happy Camper!

2009-08-07T23:15:00.001-04:00

Went to the Beach again today! WOW, love it so much. But never again on a Friday, didn't think the traffic would be so bad since folks shoulda still been at work at that hour.

- The ole bumper to bumper trick, NOT pleasant. I kept telling Doris to turn around & go home, we could catch the Fri showing of One life To Life in 30 min. But she persisted & it was wonderful.

Since it took us 2 hrs to get there today, & even longer to find a parking spot, the beach ticket takers soon left their perches at the entrances so we took our beach chairs down to the edge of the water & enjoyed 2 more hours squishing sand between our toes.
God that feels SO FUCKING GOOD!!!

I made sand vaginas. They were pretty, Doris was mortified, ha!

So relaxing - the fresh air, waves crashing a couple yards away, clouds floating thru a blue sky, sand pipers hopping around looking straight into your eyes begging for food, my true love sitting next to me peering thru her binoculars at surfing bikini butts... ahhhhh, sigh...

Total Joy!
.

The Beach!!!

2009-08-06T23:18:00.003-04:00

We finally went to the shore yesterday!!! God, it was fabulous. I swear, a beautiful Beach is nature's Zoloft. So are Trees & Lakes.
I love it all.

There's been a ton of rain in Jersey this summer & going on a weekend is miserable with so much traffic on the Parkway.

Doris had taken the RV in to be serviced, oil change etc the day before (which was a sweet surprise!) then came home & announced we can go to Ocean Grove tomorrow! (Which was even SWEETER!!) I was SO happy, & then there was actually sunny weather & off we went!!

Since it was Tuesday it wasn't busy or noisey, & we got a great parking spot immediately (which was shocking for sure.) I always forget how cheerful all those beach umbrellas are & how relaxed everybody gets! Folks drag their asses in slow motion trudging along the boardwalk & thru the sand with all their crap & kids. Life & problems seem to come to a screaching halt with all that time to finally reflect & be grateful.

Today was also very pleasant, went to dinner at Red Lobster & decided to go back to the shore tomorrow! Hope the weather stays nice. Yeaaaaa!

Life is good.
.

Another Rainy Day

2009-08-02T13:40:00.006-04:00

It's raining
it's pouring
little boys are boring...

Sorry about that.
Reverted back to the 2nd grade
for a few minutes there.
Funny how some things never change!
Har Har.

Another Sunday basking in the house alone,
not going to church.
Man, I LOVE it!
It's almost 200pm now so Doris
will be coming home shortly,
guess I should tidy up the place a bit
since I've just been lounging around,
reading the Sunday paper & watching Moving Up.

I really am lazy. Guess it's true.
Oh well.

I do love just laying around. sigh.
Relaxing is good.
I should try to get more motivated, but fuck it.
When I'm not flying I just don't want to do shit.

The problem is when there is no "structure"
(such as work) in my life,
I just tend to...

hangout,\
watch tv,/
eat,\
sleep,/
& ride where Doris drives me.

Sounds good to me.

For now.

I can just see Doris rolling her pretty eyes
when she walks in & sees me lounging,
not doing anything constructive.
It's okay -

I know that after she gets home
& peels off her church duds,
She'll sit to read the Sunday paper,
And those peepers of hers will slam shut!!!
She'll pass out in a quick minute.

Especially since it's still raining.....

Not to mention it's exhausting
to be singing in church all day,
(How well I remember)
And D is the lead soprano
so my hollerin' baby
will be all tweeted out.

So shortly,there'll be even more
Peace 'in the valley'...

Oh, yeah.

.

Boring June stuff

2009-07-30T23:20:00.004-04:00

OMG My frickin' computer hasn't been able to turn on the past week, it's the connection to the phone line & I STILL can't figure out what happened. (I'm an idiot.) So finally, I brought it downstairs & connected to another phone line & thank goodness I can get back on. Phew! I Just don't get what happened to the phone line upstairs. Sheese.

So my hip still hurts, even after a cortisone shot... Getting a bursitis shot next week, maybe that will help. I've been going to physical therapy 3Xweek for 2 months, it really hasn't helped. On top of that, yesterday they tell me I need to do a $30 co-pay for all the past sessions which goes well over $500. Ahhhh, HUHHHH??? So I cancelled half of what's scheduled for next month & guess I'll be sending $30 a month till it's payed off. crap. I HATE BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD.

sigh. One day at a time.

Other than that, I'm good, but broke. I can't believe June is over, damn. Summer is speeding by. I may never go back to work if my hip pain doesn't get better. And you know what? I think that'd be just fine. I am really loving being OFF. I really can't get upset about it (yet) because I've had a good 41 years up in the air & at least I can get social security to supplement my lame retirement check. At least it'd be more than what I'm getting on the sick list.

Que sera' sera' what ever the fuck will be....
God Goddess Universe says Be Patient.
.

28th Anniversary!

2009-07-19T10:25:00.012-04:00

7/17th... That is our anniversary.
Actually so is July 4th because -
28 years ago on July 4th,
Doris & I decided
we would become a committed couple.
We said 'we will continue dating
for perhaps 2 more months
before we finally have sex!'

It was a good plan, but
we only lasted 13 more days.
(13 has always been my lucky number!)
to July 17th
(Not to mention,
I was a hot, gorgeous
little femmie femme
back then..) Hence -
July 17th is our anniversary,
we became Solid.

We've gone thru many changes
over these days, years, decades.
Those of you
who've been reading my blog
have gone thru
some of the insanity...er..ah..
I mean love & growth...
along with me.

Relationships are tricky
&
none are perfect.
Everyone always asks
how we made it
so long together.
There is only one answer.

Both parties
HAVE TO WANT
to STAY together
& get thru all the bullshit,
the screaming emotional upheavals,
the simmering pissy hurt feelings
...er..ah..
I mean learning life's lessons &
accepting each other's differences...
NO MATTER WHAT.

It will not work
if only one person
puts in 100%.
If the other partner
doesn't care enough to remain
thru the thick & thin,
the pleasure as well as the pain,
the heaven & hell,
it can not work.

Both lovers
have to put in 100% each,
you need 200% commitment...
even though at times
you are sure
you will end up committed
to the looney bin
instead
of a working relationship...

Both people
have to WANT TO STAY
to do all the hard work.

Besides,
if you decide
'fuck it' & bolt
(even tho painful,
it's the easy way out)
you will have to start
ALL OVER AGAIN
at the beginning
with someone else &
deal with all their crap
& baggage
along with your own..
which still sucks because
you haven't worked
on changing yourself & growing
OR
just accepting each other's differences
& moving on together.

Of course,
in no way
should one ever stay
in a bad or abusive
relationship
that is wrong for you.
Better to get out
of that bullshit immediately.
(Wish I had of learned THAT lesson
back in my 20's, 30's & early 40's.
But nooOOOooo.
I stayed to the bitter ends
& wasted a ton of time
& life.)

Okay all that being said
(I'm sorry for the mudane lecture -
don't know WHY I got into all that,)
we had a great anniversary!
Even tho' we are both broke from so many bills,
I got Happy Anniversary Balloons for her,
Doris got beautiful pink roses for me,
& we both got cards for each other.

Then we had a lobster & salmon dinner
at Charlie Brown's
(with her sister) that night on Fri
& yesterday on Sat we drove into the City,
had hotdogs in our RV,
people watched,
talked about when we first met
& all our years together,
then sealed it with a kiss
on the corner of Washington Square
where we had our 1st kiss
28 years ago on July 4th! ha.

Finally we called it a day & drove home,
turned on the TV, climbed back into bed
& felt SO lucky & blessed.

(Finally getting a house together
is the best thing we ever did
about 16 yrs ago.)

I am very happy!
Life is so good.

I say it every time...
Be it ever so humble,
& believe me Ours is modest-
there is just NO place like home!!!

And did I happen to mention
that Doris is STILL
so amazingly DAMN gorgeous
even now till this day???
She is just scrumptious!

I am so lucky.
Really REALLY lucky!

And, of course
so is she.

*grin*
.

Found my College Roomate!

2009-07-16T10:22:00.003-04:00

I went to college back in the 60's. My roomate for the first 2 years was my best friend since the 6th grade, Tina whom I still love & adore to this day. Then she dropped out & got a job, then married.

So my Jr year I became a floor counselor for a freshman dorm & had no idea whom I would end up rooming with except it would be her 1st year. I had gotten there early & set up my side of the room & waited on pins & needles.

In walks Lydia. We looked at each other & both thought Oh No. We were about as different as night & day. I was a dumbass beauty queen with bleach blonde hair majoring in Drama & Speech & she was a no-nonsense really SMART, serious au natural girl studying to be a Nurse. She thought 'Oh God, I can Not do this with Her as my roomate.' I thought 'Well this isn't gona be any fun.'

We started chatting as she set up her side of the room, & ended up talking about our life stories all night long. By the time we finally passed out we had become friends.

The next day the dorm mother called me in & said she was moving me up to a different floor. They needed me there & so I said fine, but I'd like to ask my new roomate to join me if she wishes because I did not want to hurt her feelings & have her think I didn't want her. Plus I really LIKED her now.

So I went in to our old room & told Lydia what was happening, & she didn't have to, but would she like to join me? She didn't think twice & said definately! We immediately started gathering all our shit together & moved right on up to our new room! We became super roomies after that.

She was so wonderful & lots of fun. As different as we were, we always had tales to tell each other when we were back in our beds at night. We laughed all the time! She always listened to my problems & was a great sounding board. She was very studious & I was always partying. I so admired her brain & wished I was smart like her. In the end we had a wonderful friendship & loved each other.

It was sad when the school year came to an end and we each went our separate ways. I moved to LA, then on to NYC to fly. She eventually married her handsome boyfriend who'd been writing her thru college, they went into the Air Force & raised 4 beautiful children.
They now live back in Texas & I'm in New Jersey. I've wondered what happened to her for decades, but could never find her on the internet.

I was SO THRILLED to finally find her brother online, & he put me in contact with HER! OMG I could NOT BELIEVE I FOUND HER!!! We talked on the phone for an hour & a half & have started writing email & sending pictures. I can not tell you how happy this makes me!

I finally found my Lydie!!!

bla bla bla

2009-07-12T11:33:00.004-04:00

Here it is Sunday again! Thought D was gona stay home today because none of her choirs are singing, but no. Even tho she had mentioned that she didn't have to go to church, her sister called & off they went. sigh. I got really mad. But then got over it.
After all, I forgot I like Suns alone now.

My hip is still in pain when I walk or climb steps. I'm good when I come home from physical therapy but within 30 min the pain strikes again. Guess the icing wears off. I'm worried my company will try to fire me, I've been on sick leave since May.

I do however have plenty of sick time (probably 600hrs left now) as I don't abuse it. But you can't make much money when you don't fly, as there are no expenses or over time. I Always worked so much overtime to try to cover bills (probably why my hip's so screwed up!) But definitely I can't go back until (if) I get better. I have hope. I just hope they don't try to fire me.

It's fucking aggravating that I even have to worry about that type of bullshit after 41 motherfucking years of blood sweat & tears for this dumbass company. Managment are harrassing buttbrains. They suck. Please. Any horrid experience you've ever had flying on any airline, I can give you worse stories about working for the fuckers.

That being said, I still dig the job & am grateful my company has lasted this long, & that I've been able to keep my seniority. So many Flight Attendant's airlines bit the dust & they had to start all over again at the bottom of the heap. I don't know HOW they do it.

Changing the subject, the weather has been beautiful! Since it still rains so much at night it's been cool enough to not need airconditioning. So great. Since ours is b r o k e n.

Gotta go downstairs, get a bite & take vitamins. Have I mentioned how much I love Zoloft since I started it in May?!!!

Sunday Mornings

2009-07-05T12:41:00.004-04:00

Sunday morns have become such a favorite for me!
Since Doris retired 3 yrs ago she is home everyday.
She has the most gorgeous singing voice & faithfully sings in the choir every Sun. I did it with her for about 2 decades.

But it exhausted me as Black churches have l-o-n-g services, sometimes with breaks for lunch & a late afternoon service afterward. It always annoyed me we couldn't just go home & enjoy the rest of the Sunday together. Heck it annoys me we can't just spend the day in bed together with the Sunday papers & TV, but anyway...

I am a spiritual person, but sitting in a church building for the whole, damn motherfucking day really started pissing me off & did nothing to calm my furtive soul & bring me closer to "the Lord."

Not to mention, the fabulous American Black Gospel music is what I craved -so much better than the generic sound of white church hymns, even tho' many are the same from the same book!

Also the old spirituals are So mournful but beautiful. Then the choir director got it up his butt to only sing positive &/or new Christian songs, no more depressing or sad spirituals, just happy happy happy music. Well, I about started to loose it.

Jeese, that is not what I signed up for, Some of us LIKE the depressing songs showing how God brings us thru it all. If you are a depressed person all that hippity happity can really make you feel worse.

And as nice as the pastor is, his sermons are mediocre & the longer it goes, the louder he starts to scream & holler. Damn. Screw that shit.

So a year or so ago I just quit going to choir practice & also stopped church Every week. phew. What relief I felt since I worked so hard & so much, I hardly had any day off for myself. Church had become a job.

NOW, as soon as Miss Singing Johnson leaves, I charge back up to bed & revel in my solitude. I turn on "Moving Up" a tv show I happen to love, break out all the delivered Sunday papers & read the circulars, & pull out ye ole laptop & start catching up on blogs!

Then if she goes out to eat with her brother & sisters (who also have awesome voices & sing in the choir) I have time to either fall back to sleep for a lazy afternoon nap, or zoom to the the health club for the whirlpool, swimming, steamroom & wash my hair.

Either/or - it's all good. Just hanging here in bed alone is exciting because I don't feel guilty like I do after Doris awakens & rushes off to do chores or errands, etc. (She has SO much more energy than I.)

Oh, btw -yesterday, the 4th of July was so great!
Had the most delicious BBQ party at Doris' neice's big home with many family members. Delicious, yummy food!!!! FABULOUS!!!

Then Doris always wants to go to the NYC fireworks, but I hate it because I can't stand being in the middle of all the hundreds of screaming, stinky, sweaty drunks. GOD.

Well we started out late after the party, so we were caught up on the NJ turnpike enroute to the Lincoln Tunnel when all the fireworks started.

So we (& everyone else up there) pulled over to the side of a mile long bridge & just stopped for 30 minutes to watch it all with NYC as a backdrop! It was perfect, it was fabulous!!!! And we didn't even have to go into the City!!! OMG, so wonderful.

We we back home & in bed by the 1100 o'clock news!

Aaaahhhh. No place like home!
Life is so good.
.

Had A Colonoscopy

2009-07-01T18:24:00.000-04:00

OMG.
I had a colonoscopy today.
Good fucking grief, I can barely walk now.
Just had a 2 hr nap, so I'm feeling a little better.

The worst part was the prep work yesterday which was beyond gross.

You stop eating & take 4 ducolax pills at 1200 noon.
Drink a ton of water.
At 500p you drink 2 yucky bottles of magnesium citrate which is SO horrid. Just nasty.
Drink tons of more water.

There's just gotta be a better way. uck.

Anyway then you're up all night shitting your brains out every 15-20 minutes. No sleep.
You feel totally sick, dizzy & weak.

At 0630a the next morning, you drink one last bottle of citrate magnesium & drink another ton of water. Gawd.

Then NO MORE WATER after that.

It's just wicked.

Went to the surgery center at 1000a,
& soon I was on O2
& knocked out with an IV of sleep juice, ha!
Then next thing I knew I was waking up
in recovery
& it was over!
Thank the Lord.

I staggered out to Doris who stayed to drive me home,
but not before the Dr. told me everything was FINE!

He had found nothing at all (no cancer, no polyps, no diverticulitis etc.), gave me pictures of my beautiful, clean colon & said go home, have a hamburger, don't ever eat cheese (damn.) & don't drive. Come back in 5 years.

YEAAAAAAA!!!!!

THANK YOU JESUS!!!
Glory to God Goddess Universe!!!

I am so relieved.
I'm glad I did it, but even happier it's over.
Still out of it, going back to sleep.

'

Gay Pride Parade on Sunday

2009-06-29T00:09:00.000-04:00

Dang, I was thinking that Doris would have gotten enough of The City & parades yesterday at the Dyke Parade.
But nooooOOOOOoooo.

So off we go after she returned home from church, back to the Big Apple in the grueling Gay Pride Traffic. shit.

By that time the Parade was maybe half over, but we were so hungry.

Well so often I think about how lucky it is that I hooked my wagon to Doris' star years decades ago because she truly has angels on her shoulders, & God Goddess Universe often reigns FAVOR down on her...

We found a GREAT parking spot on Bank St. WITHOUT a meter (free!) only 3 blocks from the parade on Christopher St. & Bleeker!
Manatus is on Bleeker where we were seated in a BOOTH! immediately!
Not only is all this so impossible, but afterwards we somehow came out & EASILY slid into the FRONT ROW of the parade on Christopher & Bleeker which is just freakin' insane.
I used to live in the building on the corner & believe me it is the MOST desirable spot!

3 miracles! Bing Bang Boom!

Guess D was rewarded for sharing her gifts & singing in the choir all morning ... while I played hookey, stayed home & languished.

I wasn't able to walk down the midway after the March ended (which was around 730pm - told y'all it's too long in NYC) because of my durn hip. So we drove back to Jersey with easy traffic since it was still so early! Could NOT believe any of it!

As for the parade, the children were out! There were a billion kadrillion GLBT folk & their friends & it was just crazy. Then there were a trillion cops. Everything seemed fine that I saw, except for all the Black women who gave Doris evil looks because she was with a white woman. Some things never change.

Glad to be back home in bed. Yeaaaaa BED!!!

PS: There's been a Charlie's Angels /Farrah Fawcett marathon on TV all night long!!!
Loving it.
.

Dyke Parade Today (Saturday)

2009-06-27T11:11:00.000-04:00

17th Annual NYC Dyke March

Saturday June 27, 2009 at 5:00pm

Bryant Park

40th St. & 6th Ave.
New York City, New York Get Directions

The 17th Annual NYC Dyke March steps off at 5 pm sharp on the evening of Saturday June 27th 2009. Everyone should assemble at Bryant Park, located at 42nd Street and 6th Avenue. The march goes down 5th Avenue to Washington Square Park.

It's time to hit the streets! Make some noise. Be visible. Be heard. Demonstrate, agitate, liberate at the New York City Dyke March. Bring signs, banners, drums, giant puppets, flags, hula hoops or just be there!

The New York City Dyke March is a protest march, not a parade -- we don't ask for a permit, because we have the right to protest. As queer women, we recognize that we must organize amongst ourselves to fight for our rights, our safety, and for visibility. Thousands of dykes take over the streets every year in celebration of queer women everywhere and to protest against ongoing , harassment and anti-women violence in schools, on the job, in our families and on the streets.

As always, the Dyke March is open to all women, biological or otherwise - no sign-up or registration required. Just come out with your banners, signs, noisemakers, and beautiful dyke selves, and join in the march!

Website: http://dykemarchnyc.org

There is also a Lesbian Dance on Pier 54 afterward!

We went into The City, watched many people in the comfort of our little RV while chowing down on Papaya's Hot dogs. We drove around different favorite areas & parked for a time. Then we parked right on 8th St & 5th Ave & waited for the parade to pass. Finally they came..hundreds of Lesbians & friends, some were topless & they were all singing When the Saints Come Marching In. But they passed by SO fast. SEVEN MINUTES, I kid you not.

While we had been waiting, the sky had opened & rain started pouring. Everyone got dowsed, (except for us!) Afterwards we drove down the West Side Highway to check out Pier 54... And Low & Behold - There they all were!!! The rest of the parade! A gillion hot. sweatty dykes, jumping around to the DJ's tunes at the big Dance. It was $25 a person to get in, but Doris & I kept on driving... We had to go line up for the Holland Tunnel to get back to Jersey.

Ahhhh. Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
.

.

My Daddy

2009-06-21T11:39:00.000-04:00

Today is Father's Day.
I had a really great Daddy!
His name was Paul.
Paul Euclid xxxxxxxx,
an odd middle name, but he turned out to be an accountant
so it was actually fitting.
He was always an executive in his jobs,-
always a vice president-treasure,
so he was able to be a great provider!
Actually, he was very smart, close to brilliant...
at least in my eyes,
Definitely the smartest in our family.
And he was always nice to me.
He loved me & I knew it.
Altho' he was not demonstrative, warm or fuzzy.

He lived more in his head than in his heart.
He often would be reading during his time off, whether it was newspapers, magazines, or one of his many hard-cover books - while listening to classical music of which he had vast amounts of LPs. Not to mention a fabulous sound system. He had a library where he had books BEHIND books. And after he had bypass surgery, he took a speed reading course so he could try to finish reading all his beloved books before he died at the age of 68.

He also had a work bench & giant tools in the garage & was very handy - when he got the chance.

His other hobby was photography, he had Nikons & also could develop his own pictures which he taught me to do at a young age. (8yrs!). (I now am a great amature photographer, but didn't retain the development process!)

Since all his hobbies & interests were something he only did alone, I figured out a way to get more attention by becoming the center of many of the photos he took. My brother & I were chronicled growing up & I love being able to visit our childhood thru all the pictures.

My father was a very dapper dresser with all his suits, ties, shoes & hats. However he had no clue how to dress on the weekends, or when he got home from work to relax. He had bermuda shorts with tucked in izod type button-down tees with a Belt... and hurache sandals with socks. heh heh. My poor little daddy.

He was nice to me, kind. And I could tell there were often times I fascinated him. He was my smart, little ole Daddy & I loved him.

But he was gone a lot - traveled abroad often for his job. Emotionally he was a vapor. He frustrated my Mother no end, never gave her much attention, was not at all romantic, never gave her compliments for all her cooking, house keeping, & the lovely way she always dressed & took care of herself. She tried so hard to please him, but he barely noticed. Too me it was his power struggle & defense.

My mother was VERY difficult. NOTHING EVER made her happy. We all tried & tried, but she would scream & yell, throw hissy fits & slap & hit my brother & I constantly.

I think after his initial shock at the jeckle/hyde crazy, emotional wreck he married, my father just retreated into his shell to escape the insanity. But it certainly didn't help. She was SO needy & he basically refused to get caught up in her craziness. He froze her out. It was cruel.

And her ego was too damn fragile to admit she needed help, so she would only go for "counseling" with our church pastors, develop a crush on them & scare them off.

Mother & Daddy both could have used therapy, but were too busy trying to present a "perfect family" front to the outside world. I think maybe Daddy wasn't that kind to Alan either because my brother would rebel at all the "perfection" that was asked of us & ended up being somewhat of a problem... Poor Alan.

Of course I was always trying to be perfect in order to keep the family together & the happy scherade up. I didn't rebel & go nuts until I moved out to NYC at 21yrs.

Well anyway, this was supposed to be about my father, but I had to bring up the truth in how he never got help for my mother. When I told him she was crazy, he said 'NO she's NOT." I really don't know how they stayed together all those years, pretending to the world that everything was fine.

My Dad tho' DID try to give us wonderful vacations, driving us cross country, camping in different National Parks each year! It was his way of educating us & it was glorious! Apart from my Mother exploding every 3 days at just the stress of being Ruth, (don't you love it - Ruth & Paul?) it was great fun & adventures, & some of my best childhood memories.

And my Most Favorite memory is when driving me to my 3rd year of college, he pulled over for fuel at a gas station & bought me a BEAUTIFUL, shiney red Corvair convertable that was for sale there, so they wouldn't have to keep driving 3 hrs to pick me up & take me back!!! It was the biggest thrill ever!

He was a great father - to me. I miss him a lot. He passed about 25 yrs ago. My mother 12 yrs after that. They both did the best they could & I do appreciate it. I wish I would have told them more often.

One thing I learned for sure... It is MUCH easier to forgive after someone dies. I'm so sorry for ALL the pain my Mother lived her life in, altho' she always took it out on us. It is tragic to recall.

And I'm so sorry for the pain my father also lived with (if not contributed to.) I think he may have been living in the closet. In another lifetime perhaps he would have had courage to come out & be gay. We'll never really know & at this time it doesn't even matter.

Happy Father's Day Dad. Thank you for Everything! I'll love you always. xxxooo.

.

Happy Birthday Alan!

2009-06-12T14:21:00.000-04:00

Today is my baby brother's 60th birthday! OMG,
I can NOT believe he's really hit the big 6-0.

I remember when we adopted him at 9mo's old. He came toddeling out of a doorway, holding the nurse's hand. He was dressed in little overall shorts with his pudgy legs bulging out into little white sox & lace up baby shoes.
His blonde hair was parted on the side & combed neatly framing those chubby pink cheeks.

It was my birthday that day & I wasn't too sure of this new birthday present. We fought a lot as kids, but thru the years I came to dearly love him.

Not to mention we are the only ones who really know what it was like to have grown up together in our disfunctional household (didn't everyone have one of those?) with our crazy mother (she did the best she could..) & our docile father (a great provider, but he was gone a lot -both physically & emotionally.)

It all was what it was (Hell!) no - just kidding... ah, not really, but anyway - we both SURVIVED!!!

He's a great little brother, even though he grew to 6'4",
& is very talented, generous, good, sweet & thoughtful, jovial -

corny jokes & all! haha!

His wonderful wife Annie has baked a delicious apple, pecan, preline birthday pie for him & no doubt they are celebrating now as I write.

When I called earlier to sing him happy birthday, I asked him how it feels to be 60? He said it really hurts.
He had fallen down wooden steps on the way to work. landed on his butt & tailbone, then his elbow jammed into his already messed up shoulder & he was feelin' the PAIN.

Luckily he was able to take a nap
(yep yep, naps are good after 60!)
& is feeling better. Okay brother dear, onward & upward one day at a time!
Welcome to geeserville!

Happy Birthday A L V I N !!!!

He hates when I call him that, har har!!

I LOVE YOU!

Party Time

2009-06-07T11:19:00.000-04:00

We went to a grand LESBIAN! birthday party last night. One of my Flight Attendant friends turned 50yrs & had a huge blow out. The invitations said "elegant white" so everyone dressed in white. (I hate wearing white- I'm so pale & end up looking like a big adhesive bandage..) But everyone else looked fab & it was lots of fun.

It was a catered affair in their back yard with 6 big round tables under a huge yellow stripe canopy. There was a long buffet along side the beautiful swimming pool, a DJ playing jazz while we chowed down, then disco tunes when everyone hit the dance floor!

I didn't dance. I really wanted to, the music was so good & Doris was egging me on. But there were camera shots, video cameras, & other Flight Attendants there, plus I didn't need to chance making the pain in my hip worse. So I sat & ate birthday cake (3 pieces-ha!) while everyone partied thru the night.

Seeing that we live down the street from this soiree, all we needed to do was walk home! Love that. We left around 1100p (geesh, we are old - the craziness was still ensuing with all the other Younger (drunk-ha!) dykes. Actually there were old inebriated lesbians too. Sometimes it's kinda hard to hang around folks who have been drinking all night when I've been clean & sober for so many decades.

It was wonderful to spend time with so many lovely lesbians WITHOUT children running around. (Okay one did bring her beautiful new baby from across the street to show us all, but took it back to her mother after 20 minutes. perfect!)

Everyone had a great time, esp Doris & me! I have to admit though, it was wonderful to get home. There's just no place like BED alone with Doris!

Good GOD, am I a truly sorry boring dud or what? I just re-read this entry & am amazed at how droll I sound. Strange, I don't FEEL like such a giant yutz. Hmmm. Maybe it would have come off different had I been able to dance!

Or not.

Guess I'm just tired from all this sitting around.
.

A True Pain In the Ass

2009-06-05T23:58:00.000-04:00

The MRI showed fluid in or on my hip, the doc called it effusion... whatever the hell that is. Plus I have sciatica. Okay, figured that much. Now I have to go for a bone scan to make sure there's no fracture before I start physical therapy. I'll be off of flying the rest of the month! Can't argue with that! Yea.

Did I mention my knee?
And the bottom of my feet hurt ALOT?
Guess I'll go to the foot Dr too.
Might as well make the rounds since I have time now.
Good thing I have 700 hrs of sick time available.
I've been feeling fucking polio stricken
for months now.
Waa waa waa. Okay, I'll shut up.

I'm really not complaining, I feel very blessed it's not worse.
And I'll be patiently biding my time while I heal.

.

Freakin' Mammograms

2009-06-03T21:29:00.000-04:00

Went for a mammo today.
My GOD is there any more a barbaric thing than having your breasts smashed between 2 freezing shelves while you hold your breath & they count & take the xrays? At least this technician was nicer than the last 'nurse Rachett' I had do this 6 years ago. It is so painful.

I expect to be called back for more xrays & the sonograms because I am very cystic, it happens ea time. What a drag. An angel on my shoulder told me I am fine & not to worry.

Hope it's not just denial.
.

Time Off!

2009-05-27T16:00:00.000-04:00

Doris had flowers, balloons & cards for me on my bday, & I got calls, cards & a present from other friends! It's been so nice.

I haven't blogged that I have gone on the 'sick list' for flying because of that damn pain in my ass I had mentioned earlier. My main Dr said it was sciatica, & I finally went to an orthopedist who took xrays, said don't fly for at least a month because the pain is not getting better. He sent me to get a hip MRI which I did yesterday & I have to wait till next week for a diagnosis.

Those MRI's are no joke. Seriously, I was in that tube for 1 & a half hours, not moving with all that banging & screeching noise going on. phew! It sucked. I hate to think how much I'll have to pay out of pocket after my lousy insurance... yikes.

So anyway, I am taking this time off to rest & enjoy life & hope I don't get harrassed by my freakin' job. (supervisors are famous for that since we have more time off than they do.) Anyway, I can't walk that well, let alone run up & down the asiles serving folks - not to mention trying to balance thru turbulence.

I'm not worried at the moment, just thinking I need to rest my hip. Hopefully there won't be any bad diagnosis. Stay tuned.

Incedentally, that gratitude list I made of the important things I remembered thru my life was good for me! I challenge you all to do the same.... while you can still remember, ha!

5-24-09!

2009-05-24T11:49:00.000-04:00

I am so excited! Today I am 62 whole years old! phew! Never thought I would make it this far. Well, you don't think of aging as a kid - only that you too will someday turn 80 something like your grandparents, but who ever dwells on that when you're young, thriving & living life 100 miles an hour in the fast lane?

Here are my most memorable highlights thru the years so far:

Adopting my brother for my 3rd birthday!

Nursery School!

1st grade!

The beginning of MANY wonderful family vacations camping at US national parks ea year!

YMCA Sleep-away camp for years!

Move from Dallas to Richardson!

Big new house & my own room!

Best Friend Tina!

Jr. High (ugh) & braces!

Roller Skating!

Girl Scouts!

Dance Classes!

Modeling

High school!

Eaglettes!

Dances & boyfriends!

Proms & Graduation!

Beauty Pageants!

Going away to College!

Rooming with Tina!

New friend Jeannie!

1st love boyfriend Bobby! (4yrs)

Campus & fraternity parties!

1st car - red Corvair convertable with black upholstry!!!(Favorite Best memory ever of my father buying it for me at a gas station on the way to my jr year in college! - they got tired of driving me & picking me up)

Family moving to California!

Beautiful new big house!

Swimming pool (put in on my birthday!)

Beaches!

Stewardess College!(back in Texas)

Getting based in New York!

Moving to NYC!!!

Flying!

Studying jazz ballet on Broadway with Luigi!!!

Sex (finally!)

Drugs.

Loving Jim!

Loving Jordan.

Loving Gay friend Franklin! (Hawaii trips & discovering the gay scene.)

Disco Queen!

Loving & living with Charlie!

Therapist Sylvia!

Loving Sal

Loving & living with Doug!

Coming OUT!

Loving & living with Kay.

Therapist Leah!

Loving & living with Wendy!

Stop drugs & booze!

The beginning of many 12-step programs thruout the next decade! (They saved my life!!!)

Loving Judy!

Loving & living with Doris!

Best Therapist Carolyn!

Buying a house in NJ with Doris!

Growing old together!
(27 yrs & counting!)

Working with triple buddy bidders Marilyn & Pam for 35 years!

Working with many other wonderful Flight Attendants over 40 yrs!

Planning retirement!

I feel very lucky, happy & blessed.
Today I am just relaxing & counting my blessings. There are so many more I haven't mentioned.

But the very best thing of making it to 62 is that when the time comes and I DO get to retire, I shall be able to collect Social Security to supplement my puny retirement check...
Which won't be much since I'll be taking it early, but so be it!
At least I made it this far!
YEAAAAAAAAAAAA!

.

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T12:43:00.000-04:00

Mother's Day was good. I used to hate it because my mother never fit all those beautiful mushy cards, & she never liked the flowers I would send. She was difficult, sad, always angry & most likely depressed - screamed at us & cried all the time. Damn. Guess I'm more like her than I want to admit. I don't scream & cry all the time (THANK the Lord!!!) but I do feel like I've become difficult, sad, angry & depressed a lot in my old age. Of course I'm also fabulous & funny when I'm not all that. But I have to admit I have really become quite a bitch. Not always, but there's an edge. I started taking zoloft 2 weeks ago & I think it's starting to work.

Well anyway, for some reason (family disfunction) I've become the Mother's Day planner each year to get everyone together even if they're not communicating. It always works wonderfully, everyone has a relaxing, delicious luncheon after church at the airport Marriott Laughing & talking for hours. And each year more people come so it's becoming quite the tradition. Of course when it was all over I was so relieved.

I never had children because I knew I would be a bad mother. Folks don't talk about bad mothers much. It's just the hardest job ever in life to be a good mom. Not everyone makes it. I never wanted to be hated so much. I'm sorry to say I wasted so much time despising mine. Now that she's gone it so much easier to forgive & I do acknowledge & appreciate all she dedicated her life trying to do for me. And of course I feel guilty for not being a better daughter. I am however grateful that I never fucked up an innocent little being. Physically or emotionally. phew! The buck stopped with my brother & I. He never had kids either. We didn't pass on the legacy.
.

Back To Reality

2009-05-03T11:18:00.000-04:00

Vacation is over. Ratshit. One can never have enough time off. As a matter of fact, the more time off we get, the harder it is to go back to work! Somehow it's easier with only 1 or 2 days off because I'm still in a jetlag stuper doing the 'groundhog day' thing. Anyway I'm flying to Lax this evening. Hope I don't get the frickin' flu - think I'll wear surgical gloves, but probably no mask. It will be interesting to see how FA's are handling all this.

Saw 2 movies. Obcessed with Beyonce, who was really good, but I didn't like the movie because it just bothers me so much that people can come in & try to wreck a relationship so easily. Doris loved it.
Then saw The Soloist with Jamie Fox! WOW Wow WOW!! It was so excellent. And sad. This is a fabulous movie.

Went to the Dr on my time off & she said my butt pain was
ALL Y'all, HAHAHA no just kidding.
She said it is just sciatica. Since it hasn't gone all the way down my leg, I didn't think it was. Guess I'll just take advil or aleve. I feel like such a gimp.

And also she told me I can't just come into an appointment with such a long list of maladies (I had a huge list because I hadn't been there for a year.) I was like why not? When the hell am I supposed to talk about all my body problems??? She said I have to come in more often. So I'll be back next month.

I feel like I got on her nerves, which I do to others often. I can never understand why everyone doesn't just love & adore me, ha! Unfortunately I do tend to try to stay away from drs unless I'm really ill. And the truth is it seems that EVERYThing has gone wrong with me in my 61st year. seriously. Health wise the shit is has hit the fan at 61. Be grateful I am not listing everything HERE...

Later cyber women. Got to spackle & paint the face. Had 2 weeks with naked skin, it was great.
.

Overwhelmed

2009-04-25T02:43:00.000-04:00

So - one week down, one to go. Ratshit.
Damn, that week went fast. And seeing that I'm rarely one for looking positively at the glass half full, I am suddenly plummeting into a downward spiral (oh gawd, not one of those again,) & feeling so pissed & depressed that my (puny, little half-ass)"vacation" (cut from 4 weeks to 2 since 9/11 when they took half of everything away from us to try to fight bankruptcy 6 yrs ago) (ahh but management STILL gets all their fucking bonuses & PS we never DID go bankrupt but they haven't restored our concessions) is now already HALF over... FUCK me.
So mother fucking annoying.

Anyway.
Pardon the rant.

Now where was I?

I've mainly just laid around, which IS my favorite M.O. on days off - and therefore haven't accomplished much. Geese, I'm such a slug. And a lazy one at that. 3 things though...

Had a great Saturday last week when we went to the Englishtown flea market & bought a shitload of Red perfume (our fave) (well- we got 2 big ones!) & toffee covered pecans (that's peh 'KAWHNS for you eb readers!). The weather was warm & beautiful & we took the RV. Such a great day, just the 2 of us!

Last Thurs my 2 ex-flying partners who retired 2 years ago (we had worked together for over 3 decades & I was simply morose I couldn't afford to retire with them when we all turned 60) & Doris & I met for lunch at Manatus in the City & had a wonderful time! They can't believe I am still flying 2 yrs later (ME NEITHER!) & we hadn't seen each other in all this time.

Damn they looked great! So much BETTER without all the stress of the job. And me, I still looked dowdy as shit, & beaten down like a fuckin' junkyard dawg y'all. Plus, I am still hobbling along with my right-ass hip pain & knee pain, it is not getting any better, & THEY are just floating lithefully & giddily along without a care in the world now since they escaped from the MAN.

I think to myself - I have a perfectly great job & I count my blessings that I am not among the thousands who have been laid off & lost their livelyhood due to this wretched economy. I still enjoy the majority of my passengers & fellow Flight Attendants. And I will not have any chance in hell to make even close to the same salary to supplement trying to survive on the 'fixed income' of a pension. What - am I NUTS thinking I need to retire soon?

Tonight I finally called a Flight Attendant retirement specialist & agreed to pay her $100 to help me figure all this out. (She charges $50/hr.) Then I broke down & bawled like a dumb-ass baby after I hung up. Doris tried to console me & said it'll all be okay, just pray on it. That's her answer for everything. It is scary & overwhelming to think of ending such a long career when I have nothing saved, my 401K has been turned into a 101K & my health just ain't what it used to be. sigh.

And one more thing... did anyone happen to see the fabulous Drew Barrymore & Jessica Lang in the HBO production of 'Grey Gardens"?
Oh. My. God! So horrifying & compelling at the same time. Not to mention it is my worst nightmare in life to turn into that. seriously. I feel I could easily eventually become either one of those Edie's... loosing everything, all money & support as you delve into poverty with your house in delapidated shambles & turning into a pigstye with tons of cats hanging around, crawling all thru their stinking excretment inside & out... It already IS easy for me to live like a slob - I never have been a neatnick & am definitely NOT the tidiest person- much to Doris' chagrin. Housework has never been a forte' of mine.

So tonight I plunged into the black hole that is my 'closet room' & straightened up the gigantic disarray! Took all night. But I did it. I could do more, but it definitely appears more orderly & organized (at least for me.) Anyway it's a start.
But I really wouldn't mind living with a ton of kitties roaming around in & out. I could SO easily become a crazy old Cat Lady - truly! Good thing Doris would never stand for it.

Okay, that's it. phew.
Sorry I am so boring.
It's just that I've come to the point where if I don't write my bullshit down, I fear I won't remember the process.
oye.
.

Can't Keep Up with the Youngens'

2009-04-17T13:44:00.000-04:00

Hey I've got 2 weeks of vacation! Yea!
No, I'm not going anywhere. No money.
But Lordie, I need the rest because I'd picked up 2 extra trips the 1st week to pad my vacation month & put me into overtime. Then I had 2 other trips the 2nd week which were SHIT.

Normally I try to fly LA & back - one leg over, one leg back the next day.
Easy peezie lemon squeezie. Especially if I like whom I'm working with! And since I'm SO senior I can always hold this coveted trip out of Newark.

But since it was vacation month, I bid a selection where I had the 1st week off (to pick up extra time as I said) & then fly 2 Orlando trips the 2nd week which went like this:
ewr-mia (change gates 2 miles over)
mia-mco (Orlando) layover.
next day
mco-stl (St Louis)
stl-mia
change gates 2 miles over & sit for the next plane to land
mia-ewr.

Well.

The 1st day was 2 legs, -bad enough.
But the 2nd day was 3 long legs PLUS all the tromping thru the terminals to the D concourse to sit for the next flight.
I swear to God, I could BARELY keep up (charging thru the fucking airport to change planes) with the (much) younger Flight Attendants... Something has happened to my right butt-hip & it has a stitch in it, I can no longer walk fast. Maybe it's arthritis or maybe I cracked the fucker. Plus my feet were throbbing. I could seriously barely make it. The other FA's said welcome to the real world Kathy, we have to fly this up/down up/down crap all the time. God, I felt so old.

So Easter Sunday I was in church (1st time all year, Doris really wanted me to go) & I prayed to God, please give me a sign when It's time for me to retire. I got the immediate reply - what do I have to do, drop you on the floor? You already can't walk!

So now I am starting to actually consider retirement, but fear I can't afford it. I am going to start going to all the dr appointments & get all that done be fore retirement in case something bad needs to be operated on. I've done the dentist. Next week the internist. May the gyno. I have to schedule a mamo, lung xray & colonoscopy. ick. Guess I should have my feet looked at, too.

It is scary to think of actually retiring even tho I would LOVE to. It's been my life for over 40 years. sheesh. freaky huh? Having no money (dont get much for retirement.) I'll be 62 the end of May so perhaps I can get early ss, but heard we have to wait till 63 now. I have to check all this out. sigh. I feel exhausted just trying to think of all this.

Think I'll take a nap. yawn.

PS, a trainer at the gym seems to think that I pulled a muscle in my butt & gave me an exercise to work it out. He said it's like those muscle spasms I get in my neck/shoulder... and that if a rubber band has a knot in it you can't stretch it out until you get rid of the knot. Okay. That makes sense.

Phew! Beats a cracked hip.

.

Allergies?

2009-04-07T13:51:00.000-04:00

I am still sickly. What the hell?? I have to try not to let this develop into the flu. Yesterday on the plane it occured to me that this could be allergies? So today after waking up all snottilish I took an Allegra D that the doc gave me for allergies last year. I Never had allergies before last year so I don't know how to recognize if it is a cold or what. Anybody out there know?

Also, the sump pump stopped working & there was a flood int the basement. Over an inch worth that soaked into the carpet. Crap. So now we have it working if we go down & shake the hose, but it doesn't work by itself so that is a lot of running down the steps.

At least shaking the hose makes it work. guess it's time to buy a new pump. Wish we had more money. fuck.

Frickin' Weight Gain

2009-04-01T23:03:00.000-04:00

I'm down 1.2 lbs at ww this evening. Can't believe it, must be because I'm not well. (Still coughing after returning home yesterday, & slept all day today, gotta fly back out tomorrow, got cough syrup & mucinex.)

Saw Starr Jones on Oprah today speaking about her lap band/weight loss journey & she said she still dreams about double whoppers with cheese. I just started crying hearing that. Dumb I know, but it's just such a fucking struggle trying to manage maintence (as evident that I regained back weigh twice in 3 yrs.)

When I bend over I feel that beach ball in my stomach & my uniform pants are once again too tight in the waist. Shit. One of my group pointed out that I'm only 12 lbs over my goal & I could get it back down if I really focus.

Guess it could be worse. I gotta get more positive & stop feeling sorry for myself. I am afterall still somewhat healthy. It would be easier to STAY healthy with out extra flubber & poundage. I know my Knees & feet would appreciate it.

Appologies for the boring entry.