Monday, August 15, 2005

What A Difference A Day Makes

Two weeks ago Im writing about finally finding the Love of my life.  Yesterday she was telling me "someday she was just going to walk away from all this."  Today she acted like everything was fine.  Tonight she cuddled up to me & sadly asked, "are you a nice lady or a mean lady?"

Well, I guess the answer is both.  I love Her more than anything.  I dont love her family, but they are a package deal.  She's not going to change at the age of 69 & suddenly start making sense in areas she never could cope with, particularly when she cant bare facing her own weaknesses. 

As for me, I do need to become more positive.  I used to be moreso, dont really know what happened, facing behaviors of Doris & her children became too much after a long while.  Heart breaking to watch thru the years.  But since I flew away each week, I would always come back eagerly, just to be with her.  It was constantly great when it was just she & I, but obviously there were times her children (or grandchildren) brought the bliss down to reality. 

Doris retired & this summer Ive been home for 3 months.  We've never been together each day for so long.  It's been both Heaven & Hell.  One minute we're madly in love, the next we are on each other's nerves & yelling about it.  On top of not feeling all that well, it's been a real test to deal with such a change in my life, if not in our life together.  I was not happy, clearly neither is she.

So the struggle continues at this point, trying to find our new path, facing the way each other really is when not escaping thru our jobs.  One thing I do know; life is short & what a waste to just fuck it up by pissing & moaning about what we dislike regarding one another. 

So I shall TRY to stop being so damn negative, although I suppose it has become yet another of my addictions.  I really doubt it's even possible, ah but there I go again being negative.  One thing for sure however, I dont feel I shall be able to write well just being a 'happy-ass' day in & day out.  My emoting forte has never been happy-go-lucky.  But alas, somehow I dont think I really have much to worry about there.

So tonight I shall take a deep, long breath & sigh again.  I guess it's not over after all.  Not yet, anyway.  Not today.

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